I absolutely lost it at our 15 yo this evening. Need a handhold.

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been through years of hell with our 15 yo ds. He has always been horribly rude and explosive, and after a few incidents last year which involved physical aggression towards us we pursued a diagnosis of adhd. He was diagnosed and is medicated, but we still went through hell after that with him vaping at school, getting in trouble and hanging around with the awful trouble making kids.
Since September his behaviour at school has been a lot better but he still talks to us like dirt most days. The amount of blow up arguments over his rudeness and attitude we have had is insane. It’s got to the point where sometimes me and dh don’t want to live anymore. I’ve started self harming and dh is having awful stomach trouble and even vomited the other day through stress. Years and years this has been all piling on top of us. It’s too much.

and then at the end of last week ds started talking to this girl who is a friend of a friend at another school and they became ‘together’ despite having never met. I then checked his phone as I do occasionally and found she had been sending him explicit photos much to his delight.

Fast forward to today. He send me a text saying can he meet her after school for half an hour. her school is nowhere near his so there’s no reason that would be possible so I was suspicious. PLus naturally I wasn’t happy about the photos so I wasn’t keen for him to go off and meet her. So I said no just come home please. However he didn’t come home for another 25 mins and it turned out he was hanging around with one of the douche bags from his school who had a managed move to another school recently because his behaviour was so bad. When he came in it all got heated and his attitude was appalling, he was muttering ‘whatever’ and other rude things under his breath while we were talking to him. It all escalated to the point where I burst into tears and told him straight up that both me and his dad’s mental health is majorly suffering because of his rudeness and behaviour and neither of us want to live with someone who makes the house into a miserable stressful mess.

he went quiet after that and apologised. I’ve put him on a phone ban and he’s quietly sitting doing his homework while I try to stop crying.

I grew up in a horrendous violent situation as a kid and spent every day terrrified of my parents. I fear because of that I’ve been too soft on him.

i often feel l am constantly failing and like they’d be both better off without me. Please help.

Not at all, we would never have dared to be rude to my mother.

Saying that, I still don’t think it’s right to tell a teenager they’re pushing you towards suicide unless there’s something truly devious going on. Which there probably isn’t, as he even messages asking permission to stay out later.

So many apologists for the son being rude. You are doing your best OP and sometimes kids need a reality check that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Don’t beat yourself up. Sending love and hugs

Ok for the fortieth time I DID NOT TELL HIM HE WAS DRIVING ME TO SELF HARM OR SUICIDE.

I told him that his talking to us like dirt every day affects our mental health! What the hell is wrong with that?!

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
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Can you give an example of him being at his worst?

Coming home 25 minutes late and muttering under his breath while being told off for half an hour seems like pretty normal teenage behaviour.

In what way does he talk to you like dirt? Is it random abuse or a reaction?

What words does he use?

I agree and the fact that he asked permission to go and see this girl and then didn’t just go ahead and do it anyway, is painting him in a less negative light than his usual behaviour.

I think OP would get more supportive replies if she’d given a different example as his behaviour was not that bad today.

You just said you 'honestly want to die tonight'.

It sounds awful,but your own expression is extreme AF.

Put your oxygen mask on first methinks - take care of yourself.

Am so sorry you have went through all of this

I wanted to send you a big hug. Teenagers are emotionally immature and are unable to empathise. It's all about them! I don't have a solution, but I have felt the same desperation with my own DS before. Perhaps you need to hear that it's not your fault, you've done nothing wrong and there's nothing you need to punish yourself for. Hang in there xx

of course we should check their phones. It is our job to keep them safe.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

He’s got legs, most would have gone at his age.

Honestly wake up everyone OP has told US she is feeling suicidal. She hasn’t told her son that. She’s told him that his poor behaviour is starting to impact her and his dad’s MH which is obviously very different.

OP I entirely see why you said that and I honestly don’t think there’s anything wrong with explaining to him that his behaviour has an effect on his parents, and that you are human too.

Having said that your own childhood must have a lasting impact too. Have you ever had help to deal with that? It might be making you less able to cope with DS’s moods, maybe skipping to panic mode or feeling a lot of adrenaline (I’m just guessing) when he starts to be angry? I’m sure you can get some support with this.

Oh op how awful I really hope you letting rip on him gets through to him. Definitely go and see the dr both of you you didn’t tell him anything bad so don’t beat yourself up. He broke you and your just so frustrated and sad that your ds is treating you like shit when he should be respecting you, I know some teenagers push the boundaries and you said he can be lovely so let’s hope your words have hit home to him he’s not all bad.

It sounds like you have focused so much on this that you cannot step back to look after yourself or assess whether your own reactions are reasonable. Counselling could really help you to have an outlet for this. If you can better regulate your own emotions and how you speak to people when you feel stressed, you will be able to teach him to do the same.

Just remember he's been through years of hell too.
Pick your battles.
Learn about parenting strategies suitable for a disabled adolescent- because that's what you have.

I dont know whether you've been too soft or not but you cant discipline the adhd out of him.

Please do not beat yourself up. Almost word for word, this was my situation 5 years ago. It came to a head when I found cannabis in his room. My husband has a huge amount of empathy for others and it’s almost impossible for him to be aggressive/lose his temper. So discipline etc usually falls to me, with a much shorter fuse. I did end up becoming physical with my son (he has a good 12 inches of height on me) this was the first and only time I have ever laid hands on him and I was pretty rough and he was utterly shocked. I sobbed for hours afterwards. It was a complete turning point. He is almost 20 now, in a good job (been there a few years). We get along really well and are very close. 14-15 is a tricky age, especially if in with the wrong crowd. Things do and will change though. You are absolutely NOT failing, you are a human doing your best. Sometimes it’s hard, but you sound lovely. He will grow and mature - hang on in there! xxx

So is talking to someone like shit just part of adhd then?

OP, have you considered some therapy? Your responses seem extreme, but appreciate you may be at the end of your tether. You need to stop allowing him to be rude. Consequences every
time. I do think you’d benefit from some professional help if this is making you feel suicidal.

OP, please have another look at my post. I've felt like you and come through. And i also think that a lot of your feelings of 'I don't want to be here/in this' any more are to do with rejections sensitivity disorder which is part of your ADHD but no-one in the NHS will have told you about. It all feels like a disaster - it's not. Repair is possible. The fact that he clearly changed direction when you said what you said about MH (not saying this was necessarily the right move, but..) shows that how he feels about you can change.

In life, the only thing that is permanent is Change.

He sounds like he is struggling. He needs appropriate boundaries but also needs kindness and understanding.

Have you researched ADHD? Learnt how to talk to him and help him? Or do you just tell him it is your way or nothing?

Have you explained to him why it is wrong for a girl to be sending him photos? Have you spoken to him about relationships and what a healthy relationship looks like?

Teenagers don’t magically know how to be adults, this is the time they learn and need to make mistakes and help to figure things out when they go wrong. Just removing his phone doesn’t allow that. How is he supposed to tell the girl to not send him any more photos and learn how to fix his mistake?

There is nothing to lose with this, but when you are alone ask The Holy Living God or Creator of everything to help this situation with your son. Ask for Grace on him and a change of heart, for him to have conviction and for God to reveal to him his actions and for him to see what this is doing to you. Ask God to bless you and yours sons relationship, that you both can become closer. Ask God for peace and unity and love and kindness and gentleness to abound in your house. All these things that you desire ask the creator of everything for it and I know that you will see change. Not long ago I was 15 year old and I honestly was so very VERY VERY MUCH WORSE than your son. In a short period of time Jesus, the Real Jesus, not the fake "Christian" Jesus, revealed Himself to me and changed me completely in such a short period of time. I desire greatly for you to experience that with your son and to have ALL Blessings, promises and Peace that God can provide if you just ask Him. All Love and Peace from Jesus to you and ALL Of your family!

Oh come on. This is not at all helpful

Technically she’s sending child porn, and I imagine there’s a risk of him sharing that too Which would both be criminal offences.
if you don’t know she is who she says she is then there could be an adult who has acquired and is sending him explicit photos of minors and is potentially asking him for some back too. I’d probably focus on him being a bit vulnerable here, which doesn’t seem to be something you’re mentioning. Does he know what he’s supposed to do in this instance?

im another one who thinks from his perspective he asked to see someone, you said no, he didn’t go and even though he was 25 minutes late he’s come home and done his homework. It’s not that bad but you’ve told him that his parents MH is at risk and it’s his fault and that they don’t really want him in the house. I completely get why you’re at the end of your tether but I think you and dh need to speak with a professional about your mental health and your ability to cope rather than ds.

I'm sure thats all the parents who either have perfect children who are little angels or are the parents that have kicked their kids out.

And no doubt are the same parents that would tell you to LTB if your OH forgot to take the bins out once a year.

Its hard OP but there is nothing wrong with letting him know how his behaviour is affecting you. Stick to your gun but keep communications open.