I absolutely lost it at our 15 yo this evening. Need a handhold.

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been through years of hell with our 15 yo ds. He has always been horribly rude and explosive, and after a few incidents last year which involved physical aggression towards us we pursued a diagnosis of adhd. He was diagnosed and is medicated, but we still went through hell after that with him vaping at school, getting in trouble and hanging around with the awful trouble making kids.
Since September his behaviour at school has been a lot better but he still talks to us like dirt most days. The amount of blow up arguments over his rudeness and attitude we have had is insane. It’s got to the point where sometimes me and dh don’t want to live anymore. I’ve started self harming and dh is having awful stomach trouble and even vomited the other day through stress. Years and years this has been all piling on top of us. It’s too much.

and then at the end of last week ds started talking to this girl who is a friend of a friend at another school and they became ‘together’ despite having never met. I then checked his phone as I do occasionally and found she had been sending him explicit photos much to his delight.

Fast forward to today. He send me a text saying can he meet her after school for half an hour. her school is nowhere near his so there’s no reason that would be possible so I was suspicious. PLus naturally I wasn’t happy about the photos so I wasn’t keen for him to go off and meet her. So I said no just come home please. However he didn’t come home for another 25 mins and it turned out he was hanging around with one of the douche bags from his school who had a managed move to another school recently because his behaviour was so bad. When he came in it all got heated and his attitude was appalling, he was muttering ‘whatever’ and other rude things under his breath while we were talking to him. It all escalated to the point where I burst into tears and told him straight up that both me and his dad’s mental health is majorly suffering because of his rudeness and behaviour and neither of us want to live with someone who makes the house into a miserable stressful mess.

he went quiet after that and apologised. I’ve put him on a phone ban and he’s quietly sitting doing his homework while I try to stop crying.

I grew up in a horrendous violent situation as a kid and spent every day terrrified of my parents. I fear because of that I’ve been too soft on him.

i often feel l am constantly failing and like they’d be both better off without me. Please help.

Of course it is their fault and they need to know.

You can't protect 15 year olds from real life.

@MoSalahsBeard
Never mind any of the people here giving you a hard time for giving him some home truths, it was long overdue I'd say. * *
The girl he doesn't even know, sending him pics is a huge red flag, I'd be having serious talks with him about this, checking his phone regularly and warning him about online sextortion. He's in very dangerous territory here.

Yes, I was about to ask as well. OP, can you give us an example of his most problematic behavior at home? Is he screaming and cursing at you? Has he been aggressive? I understand you’re at the end of your tether, but I think people are concerned because his behavior you’ve mentioned doesn’t seem like the kind of thing that would drive his parents to self-harming and vomiting from stress. I’m assuming there’s a lot more to it that’s driven you to this point. Almost everything you’ve mentioned, even hanging out with the “bad kids,” is very average for a teen.

Was he requesting "dodgy" photos from another child or were they normal photos ?

If they were "dodgy" he needs to be spoken to by the safe guarding team at his school ASAP.

Please see your GP tomorrow, if you feel unable to keep yourself safe until then, go to A&E.

People can debate the definition of a troublesome teen all they like, the fact is the boy's parents are mentally unwell, chronically stressed and unable to cope. OP, if you are at risk of physically harming yourself tonight, please ring the Samaritans or an ambulance.

I think he needed to hear that, OP, he's old enough to understand it, and I don't understand the roasting you're getting. Are parents just supposed to be endlessly self-sacrificing and put up with absolutely anything? And if so, how does that even prepare a child for a world that's going to be far less tolerant?

I hope it gets easier, it sounds like it's been awful. You and your DH need to take care of your mental health too.

I think teenagers do need to see the impact of their behaviour on others especially their parents.
I understand that as parents we are their safe space to push back but we need boundaries and they need consequence.

teenagers are not toddlers they still have a choice as to how they behave - might not always be an easy choice but it’s a choice and I say this as a parent to a son with ADHD who would and could flip from how he spoke to me to how he spoke to his friends - they need to learn consequence and they need to feel it and recognise it.

you haven’t done anything wrong OP other than make him accountable and he needs to be accountable in order for things to change.

I'd consider this post as abusive.
In fact I think everything is wrong with it.

Ffs the op didn't say that to him. She said it to us because she doesn't know what else to do. Compassion is a thing.

This post too, where on earth have you gotten the idea from the original post that this mother hates her Son for being alive?! Are you quite alright?

You have my sympathy and absolute understanding because my eldest son is almost 10 and is EXACTLY the same it’s exhausting and heartbreaking. I worry for his teen years every day.

Exactly this.
It should not have had to come to this, but it's not like you have acted inappropriately.
Hopefully he will be more receptive in future.

OP the vast majority of people will never understand a fraction of what it’s like to live like this so don’t justify your self you absolutely don’t need to

As someone who has come out the other end with 2 teenage sons, now 19 and 22, I actually don’t think he sounds that bad. For example, my youngest was, I know for a fact, exchanging explicit pics with his GF at age 14. A girl he met online and travelled out of London to go and meet, unbeknownst to me. He needed those experiences to grow up. Saying “ whatever” isn’t so bad and actually asking your permission to go and meet a girl is pretty good. He obviously senses your disappointment and low opinion of him ( doubtless some of it grounded in experience) but if you can, try and project a degree of acceptance and even find a little common ground if you can.

Nothing

I could have written this, I have no words other than to please seek help for the SH, I had a complete mental breakdown in 2022 after years of my autistic children’s behaviour just piling on top of me x

Sometimes it’s just not your fault. Teenagers are teenagers, there are a lot of variables at play so don’t blame yourself. DS has autism but not all of his behaviours are because of that, sometimes he’s just a miserable git. Sounds like you got through to him if he apologised. Kids will push your buttons until you lose your proverbial shit.

Oh OP, nothing but handholds and hugs from me as I sit here completely drained after another shouting match with DS2 (nearly 13) over breaking screentime limits, logging into my work laptop to change his screentime password and using my debit card to buy Dominoes because he felt he deserved it and doesn't recognise that we have any authority at all. He's nearly 6 foot and it's like fighting with a grown man in terms of being loomed over physically.

and and un-Mumsnetty hugs to both of us!

Yes, I’ve read it in the meantime.

Teens, and in particular ADHD teens, are astoundingly selfish. As parents we need to gird ourselves against the onslaught teenage years can bring.

My ADHD DD, almost drove me to despair. I went out for a walk to cry many many times but I believe that I needed to project strength and stability to get through to her and to ensure I was dealing appropriately with her bad behaviour.

I have yet to see an ADHD teen who responds well to adding more drama to a situation. Whereas losing your shit now and then is normal, I really don’t think that self harming and vomiting are good coping mechanisms. I think the Op needs to look at how she deals with her teen

I hope you are ok.
You sound like you have had so much stress for so long that you finally blew.
please go and see a doctor to help you get through this.
there is a glimmer of hope - he apologised and may now see that his behaviour is affecting you all.
I wish you all, all the best x

I think sometimes a shock treatment is needed. I have adhd and so havd my kids. My parents definitely are too.
Dopamine seeking is a big thing for people eith adhd. The vaping etc.
I think none of what your son has done is particuarly wayward for a teen. Its not ideal, I remember everyone smoking behind the bike sheds at my school and it was a nice school. People sometimes snuck vodka and joints in and did that.. all these people are married with kids themselves now, good jobs and nice homes. My point is that all is not lost.
Hes acxepted he was wrong and is doing hsi homrwork.. thats a good kid.
I woukd say an adhd diagnosis can knock a kid sideways. Both of mine acted up massively the year they got diagnosed and this was in primary school.
Do you have books and resources, are you and he following the adhd social media people, have you looked into adhd role models with him, people in business etc that openly talk about it.
Understanding adhd is not an excuse fot bad behaviour, that it can be channelled, that it isnt something that will hold you back is really important.
Do this as a family, or just you and him together.
I send my son stuff daily on whatsapp.. hes secondary age now.. sending it to his phone is a good way to ensure he reads it as well, hes a teen.
Sounds likr all is not lost and you have at heart a good kid but you are taking this very hard by self harming. Could family therapy be an answer or getting away together. Doing somrthing adventuous to feed that dopamine. Zip lining or climb a big hill or go indoor rock climbing together
You need a way back together.