I absolutely lost it at our 15 yo this evening. Need a handhold.

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been through years of hell with our 15 yo ds. He has always been horribly rude and explosive, and after a few incidents last year which involved physical aggression towards us we pursued a diagnosis of adhd. He was diagnosed and is medicated, but we still went through hell after that with him vaping at school, getting in trouble and hanging around with the awful trouble making kids.
Since September his behaviour at school has been a lot better but he still talks to us like dirt most days. The amount of blow up arguments over his rudeness and attitude we have had is insane. It’s got to the point where sometimes me and dh don’t want to live anymore. I’ve started self harming and dh is having awful stomach trouble and even vomited the other day through stress. Years and years this has been all piling on top of us. It’s too much.

and then at the end of last week ds started talking to this girl who is a friend of a friend at another school and they became ‘together’ despite having never met. I then checked his phone as I do occasionally and found she had been sending him explicit photos much to his delight.

Fast forward to today. He send me a text saying can he meet her after school for half an hour. her school is nowhere near his so there’s no reason that would be possible so I was suspicious. PLus naturally I wasn’t happy about the photos so I wasn’t keen for him to go off and meet her. So I said no just come home please. However he didn’t come home for another 25 mins and it turned out he was hanging around with one of the douche bags from his school who had a managed move to another school recently because his behaviour was so bad. When he came in it all got heated and his attitude was appalling, he was muttering ‘whatever’ and other rude things under his breath while we were talking to him. It all escalated to the point where I burst into tears and told him straight up that both me and his dad’s mental health is majorly suffering because of his rudeness and behaviour and neither of us want to live with someone who makes the house into a miserable stressful mess.

he went quiet after that and apologised. I’ve put him on a phone ban and he’s quietly sitting doing his homework while I try to stop crying.

I grew up in a horrendous violent situation as a kid and spent every day terrrified of my parents. I fear because of that I’ve been too soft on him.

i often feel l am constantly failing and like they’d be both better off without me. Please help.

OP, sorry this is so hard.

You do, though - we all do - need to come to terms with the fact that what feels to you like showering with love, attention and affection can feel very differently to the showered person.

Or it can be outweighed by other things that are also being showered, that you're not aware of because of a lack of self-awareness or a lack of understanding of family psychology.

All of the above are very common and I'd say pretty much guaranteed unless you've had some therapy or come up against those ideas another way.

They may not be your fault at all - but they can still be true, and still be impacting your child and making him behave in ways which, unless viewed through that psychodynamic/ developmental framework, can seem totally random and insane.

So (you'll have seen this coming) I'd urge you - for you as much as him - to have some family psychotherapy (not 'counselling' which can be dangerously underpowered). What you hear might be tough and you might feel attacked - but you will also learn repair strategies and overall things will be infinitely better.

I'd be very wary of a girl sending him explicit photos, it could be a scam, blackmail,attempt, she may not even exist. warn him of the dangers and either investigate further or contact thd police for advice.

You say your boy is 15 but this has been going on for YEARS? I think family therapy might be useful. He is an only child presumably?

I would tell the school about the photos and they will get police to talk to him because he is breaking the law. this always worked with the teenagers I work with in terms of that behaviour

Teenagers do also do it all the time.

We both spend all of our time with him (unless he’s with his friends of course). He gets taken to sporting events he likes, and his dad goes to play cricket with him at every possible opportunity. We encourage him with his homework, we encourage him with playing drums, we cheer him on in everything. We have good communication, we listen to his problems, we tell him we love him and are proud of him constantly.

and still I have failed. All I want is for him not to do bad things and talk to us like filth.

I honestly just want to die tonight. I can’t take anymore. I couldn’t have given anymore.

It’s not failing, he’s neurodiverse, that’s not your fault anymore than it is his. It’s a really challenging time but your family will come through this

A good friend once told me that at that moment, she loved her daughter but didn't like her. I was appalled at that.

Then my DCs became teens and I knew exactly what she meant. It was an awful time and I didn't manage it well. But you know, I did my best. I'm not beating myself up about it now. Both have turned into wonderful, successful adults.

I think some people commenting on here have younger children and can't imagine the stress of living with challenging teens. Looking back, I believe it's a positive stage they have to go through. They are pushing boundaries and finding their own personalities. I vehemently disagree that you have to tiptoe around rudeness, neurodiverse or not. (DC1 has ADHD). If children don't learn there can be consequences for bad behaviour at home, then where do they learn? Losing your rag now and again is excusable, and sometimes necessary.

100%. Actions have consequences he needs to know that. What will happen if he goes into the world treating people the way he treats you? There’ll be no understanding or safe spaces there it will only get him into trouble. I really feel for you and hope things improve.

You are allowed come down on him like a tonne of bricks - you are absolutely not allowed blame your mental health on him. That’s wrong

I know how difficult some teens can be, so you have my sympathies.

However, he ASKED you if he could meet this girl.
You knew exactly who he wanted to meet and roughly where she lived.
But you still said no and then wonder why he’s having around with other people and not coming home on time.

Not many 15yo boys would tell their parents that they want to go and meet a girl, they would just do it.
He’s not a bad egg.

I would be suspicious of this girl absolutely and I’d be telling him not to send her any photos of himself - but I would absolutely be encouraging him to meet her asap so he knows that’s she’s who she says she is.
I would be taking himself and then doing some shopping or something to pick him up afterwards.

I know you’re struggling but you’re coming across as quite dramatic and if you want to change things in the home, then unfortunately it does mean looking at changes you and DH can make too.

Please don't tell your son he is causing you to have suicidal thoughts.

As I said above, I did not do that and would not do that.

Agree you have nothing to apologise for @MoSalahsBeard

speak to your GP tomorrow. Put your husband and yourself first for a short time.
is there any way you and your husband copuls escape to hotel for a weekend; do you have a ‘firm’ relative who could come and stay at your house? Give yourself a breather.

He definitely deserves a phone ban. I’d be cutting off his access to the internet aswell. I what’s your relationship like with the school? Maybe they could offer you some more support?

does your son have any interests? Could you start him at some sports. What about football, boxing, martial arts? Something that takes up his free time. Force him to start at something. Do you know anyone who would have him for some work experience? I wondered if you could look for things to fill his time, in group settings with structured things to do and achieve.

best of luck to you. My parents went through hell with my brother and it nearly caused them a divorce. Can you and your DH find any counseling? Even if it gives you an hour to decompress together. I believe relate offer good counseling services.

big hug to you xxx

Exactly. What happens if he finds a wife? Will she become his “safe space” instead? So he can talk to her like filth instead? But it’s ok it’s no one’s fault it’s just because he’s neurodiverse. And the wife absolutely can NEVER tell him that he’s upsetting her. That would be terrible. She must put up with it forever.

MoSalahsBeard · Today 18:31
Wow some replies on here and sending me over the edge.

Ignore them op, there are some really wanky people around.

A huge problem is happening within our society where parents treat their teens as babies. Of course a child needs to learn that actions have consequences.

Tbh, a lot of adults could do with learning the same lesson!

I agree - my mother used to do this (in all fairness she was diagnosed with severe mental illness many years down the line) and it was incredibly distressing.

Can everyone give the OP a break? She has already mentioned her fragile mental state and is looking for help and solidarity.

Teens are rough, I've apologised to my now adults about the times I lost it over their bad behaviour. They laughed and told me they deserved it.

Parents can be harder on themselves for parenting mistakes. The fact you're making them means you're trying to do your best for your child. You want him to mature into a kind human being and he will but the ADHD means he will be a few years behind his peers.

Try to ignore the bad manners and praise any small good thing. Lots of love and lots of humour if possible. Sounds like your home can be fraught. Good luck!

No it's not. He needs to know the pain he is causing, otherwise he will go into adulthood thinking it's okay to use people who love him as an emotional punchbag.

No you can't dump it on him. He doesn't even sounds that bad, most teenagers say "whatever ', a lot. A sizeable number are sexually active.Has your dh spoken to him about this?

I think sometimes all children have to realise that their parents are people too…
My eldest can be downright unkind and unpleasant , he is Autistic and feels like if he thinks/feels something then he is entitled to say it, regardless of what it is….
He’s previously told me I’m a terrible parent etc because I’ve not allowed him to do something and when he has a bee in his bonnet he will not stop and just go on and on.
Ive burst into tears before because there is a limit to what people can take before there is a consequence.
The first time I did it, DS was horrified that he had upset me that much but didn’t understand why I was so upset when he felt entitled to have his opinion.
It doesn’t happen often but depending on work, what his siblings have been up to, how well I’ve slept etc sometimes I can’t just shrug it off and I don’t see why we should.
I will say that I always go in for a chat when things have calmed down, I’ve told my son I don’t have an instruction book on how to be the best Mum on earth but I try my absolute best everyday, that sometimes I get it wrong because I’m human.
When you feel a little stronger and calmer go in for that chat, explain that you’re sorry that you lost it for a second but that his lack of respect etc is unacceptable and because you’re a family, his behaviour has a direct effect on how other people within his family feel.
The explicit photographs are another matter, are you sure this girl actually exists and she’s not sending him pictures in order for him to send one back so he can be blackmailed, so many boys of your Sons age fall for it, with some terrible consequences.
I would also go to your GP and have an honest conversation about how you feel/are coping.
You haven’t failed anyone, you’re trying your best in a super tough situation.

Was your mother using you as emotional support or was it in response to you being abusive towards your mother? The two are very different.

I’m a mum of two DSs, older than yours, OP.

Both of mine have had major bollockings from us, especially me, because we don’t tolerate crap. DS1 squared up to me when he was 14/15. He ended up apologising. Both had the phones removed at times.

It sounds like he needed a bloody good wake up call. Now he’s doing his homework quietly so you’re making progress.

I’m sure it’s horribly difficult at times. But your son absolutely did not deserve for you to make him feel guilty by blaming him for your mental health. He’s struggling just as much as you are, but you’re the adult here.