I absolutely lost it at our 15 yo this evening. Need a handhold.

[MoSalahsBeard]

We have been through years of hell with our 15 yo ds. He has always been horribly rude and explosive, and after a few incidents last year which involved physical aggression towards us we pursued a diagnosis of adhd. He was diagnosed and is medicated, but we still went through hell after that with him vaping at school, getting in trouble and hanging around with the awful trouble making kids.
Since September his behaviour at school has been a lot better but he still talks to us like dirt most days. The amount of blow up arguments over his rudeness and attitude we have had is insane. It’s got to the point where sometimes me and dh don’t want to live anymore. I’ve started self harming and dh is having awful stomach trouble and even vomited the other day through stress. Years and years this has been all piling on top of us. It’s too much.

and then at the end of last week ds started talking to this girl who is a friend of a friend at another school and they became ‘together’ despite having never met. I then checked his phone as I do occasionally and found she had been sending him explicit photos much to his delight.

Fast forward to today. He send me a text saying can he meet her after school for half an hour. her school is nowhere near his so there’s no reason that would be possible so I was suspicious. PLus naturally I wasn’t happy about the photos so I wasn’t keen for him to go off and meet her. So I said no just come home please. However he didn’t come home for another 25 mins and it turned out he was hanging around with one of the douche bags from his school who had a managed move to another school recently because his behaviour was so bad. When he came in it all got heated and his attitude was appalling, he was muttering ‘whatever’ and other rude things under his breath while we were talking to him. It all escalated to the point where I burst into tears and told him straight up that both me and his dad’s mental health is majorly suffering because of his rudeness and behaviour and neither of us want to live with someone who makes the house into a miserable stressful mess.

he went quiet after that and apologised. I’ve put him on a phone ban and he’s quietly sitting doing his homework while I try to stop crying.

I grew up in a horrendous violent situation as a kid and spent every day terrrified of my parents. I fear because of that I’ve been too soft on him.

i often feel l am constantly failing and like they’d be both better off without me. Please help.

Maybe he needed to see the impact his behaviour is having on you. He is behaving appallingly. He needs to be told and he needs consequences. Hopefully, it will have an impact and make a difference

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Sometimes teenagers just need to be told.

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Have you recieved any support with parenting a ND teenager? Parenting ND children can be very stressful and often needs different approaches to parenting NT children. Not allowing a teenager to see friends after school and 2 parents telling off a child at the same time isn’t ideal.

You really need to focus on your mental health first, as does your DH. You need an urgent GP appointment tomorrow.

I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. Secondary teacher here. There’s lots in this post that tells me this is a saveable kid. He texts you to ask to stay out. He’s out for 25 minutes, not all night. In some way he’s listened to what you’ve said and is now doing homework. Kids who really, really don’t care, who have no relationship with their parents and don’t want one, who are beyond help, don’t do those things. I would really suggest family therapy and I hope you can all get into a happier situation. Good luck x

You've nothing to apologise for. He needed to hear the impact his behaviour has been having on you and your partner. He is 15, not 5.

He didn't choose to have adhd anymore than you chose to be in this situation. Most of his life will be spent being told off. He will feel like a failure - and the adhd means he'll deal badly with perceived rejection. Sounds like he has oppositional defiant disorder, or is showing traits of it at least. I found the book "10 days to a less defiant child" really helpful, as much to help me understand him as any thing else. You reach a point where anything's worth a shot!
My ds had me ripping my hair out at 15 and 16, couple of years brought a lot of maturity.

You aren't failing. It might feel like it right now but you are doing your best in a very difficult situation. And no child or husband in your situation will ever be better off without you. Please believe that. You are at the end of your tether and that's quite understandable. You've reached out for help here which is great but please find help in real life. Samaritans, Mind, your GP, local mental health services, friends or family if you think they can be supportive. Have you talked to his school about the behaviour at home? They might be able to give some advice.

Remember you can't help your son or husband if you are going under too. Find the time and space for you to get support. Also, it sounds like what you said to your son has made him think and reflect on his behaviour so don't feel bad about that. Teenagers are hard, even without the added issue of ADHD, but for mist it is something they go through and eventually come out the other side. Things will get better OP, hang on to that hope.

That sounds very difficult and I sympathise as we went through an awful time at 15 with DS1.

Some things in your post that you should take comfort and hope from. 1. He asked if he could go to meet someone after school. A completely off the rails teenager would have just gone without asking. 2. After telling him how he is making you feel he has apologised and is getting on with his homework. A completely off the rails teenager would not have done either of these things.

I'm not saying "oh it could be worse" my point is there is hope. It shows your lovely son is still in there somewhere.

Thank you.

he is allowed to see friends after school, and whenever really, but not the ones at school he was vaping and stuff with before. I will look for that book, thank you for the recommendation.

He can be delightful. So funny and great to be around. And caring too. But the. There’s the other side. It makes me horribly anxious because he can turn from lovely to a nasty monster with the snap of a fingers. Living with that is so awful and anxious. I feel utterly broken.

I feel for both you and your husband. It sounds very stressful. Things should hopefully get better. Try not to neglect your mental health.

He is 15 and old enough to process that his behaviour is detrimental to you and his dad. Don't beat yourself up op, teens can be right arseholes at times. Just hold the thought that 'this too will pass' 💐

It sounds like he generally is listening, the fact he apologised & is now doing homework… many teenagers would’ve sworn at you & stormed out of the house! So small wins there.
I hope you’ve reported to the girls school about the explicit photos? She presumably is underage & therefore this is illegal, it is illegal for your son to have these photos as it constitutes child pornography. You need to inform the school who will go through safeguarding procedures. I’m aware posters will probably to this ‘but loads of teens send photos it’s normal’ but it really needs stamping on as teens are so vulnerable at that age. So please don’t just sit on that.
Teenage years are tough, mood swings & big hormones hitting means that they are difficult. It seems like you are on the right path! Try to do something together this evening as a family, a film or something, and reassure him that you appreciate his apology & hopefully you can all move forward positively from this.

It's awful when he's put you through, good for you tell him. It sounds like it got through. Good for you. Maybe you can have a chat when the dust has settled. Sending you kind wishes.

TBH I was reading it expecting you to have done something much worse. Sounds like your reaction was appropriate.

Why is he not allowed to meet the girl after school? Seem harsh. I understand his behaviour but harder you come down the more he'll push back and pull away. Meeting a girl after school is a very typical thing for a 15yr old to be doing.

Let's break down what actually happened today, he was 25min late and muttered 'whatever' under his breath? Then you lost it, guilt tripped him and put him on a phone ban. Can you see how that might feel unfair to a 15yr old.

Op without being patronising is there a chance you are suffering perimenopause symptoms too? Cruel that life often ensures we have adolescent drama when our own health is tipping over into a hormonal mess. Worth considering.

I agree op with those who can see the light, where you can’t yet.

1. your ds has ADHD this means he thinks and reacts and behaves differently to you and/or dh. Are either of you ND?
2. having ADHD means he will do things that he can’t control, maybe impulsive etc, get help to learn about this. Get support.
3. I agree, he listened and was contrite, that’s hugely positive, acknowledging that to him and yourselves is vital.
4. its ok to have a gf, its your job to help him navigate social media. He needs to get rid of pics, and tell gf not to send them, how old is she? Does her School need telling? She needs protecting.
5. get help for you and dh separately, it’s not ds’ job, don’t make him responsible. Start being well! Look after yrself, do self care, contact GP, support? Appreciate small wins. Eat nice food.
6. be kind

14yr ND ds here

Remove. His. Phone.
Should have been done years ago.

Yes I have adhd too, recently diagnosed.

@tripleginandtonic so after years of him talking to us like dirt I’m not allowed to tell him it affects our mental health?

He sounds like he’s suffering too.
Do you talk to him much about his life? His thoughts?
my parents would tell u I was a difficult teenager but since I moved out im so much better. He’ll need a bit of space & alone time to think for himself.
should u be checking his phone? Is he allowed to check ur phone?

What has he done with the photos he received? Has he sent them to other people?