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Original poster

If you're in a relationship but not living together what are your expectations about what the other does?

112 replies

TheVeronicas · 23/03/2026 11:03

I am not sure what's 'normal' here.

I am in a relationship and my partner isn't happy with me because yesterday I took my dog for a walk and said I would probably call in at the local pub for a glass of wine. I often do this of a weekend when the weather is nice. As it was, my friend came into the pub unexpectedly and I ended up having two more drinks and staying later than I said I would. I did message my partner to say this, and we had a video call when I got home.

To me it is a bit like, no commitment (yet) no cohabitation, separate lives, does a partner in that situation have any control over what the other does?

To my partner, I said I'd be about an hour and was a lot longer than that and it isn't respectful and I should do what I said I would do and should've told my friend 'sorry, I am going home now because partner will expect a call and won't be happy'.

I have known my partner for years but only been in a relationship for a couple of months.

OP posts:
JurgenKloppsTeeth · 23/03/2026 11:04

Fuck that. It will only get worse.

rockstarshoes · 23/03/2026 11:05

I think this is very controlling and I wouldn’t stand for it.

BestZebbie · 23/03/2026 11:05

As long as you gave him a heads up (which you did) so he wasn't wasting his time sitting by the phone waiting for your call, and you don't constantly drop calls with him for 'better offers', then you were fine in the situation above.

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Relationship problems
TwistedWonder · 23/03/2026 11:05

I think he’s being controlling here tbh. Your free time is yours and sometimes things happen spontaneously.
You don’t have to justify meeting a friend in the pub to him.

Is this the first time he’s shorn you a bit of a red flag?

Right2BareArms · 23/03/2026 11:06

Was your DP waiting for you in any way - was he at yours or had you an outing planned for the afternoon or something?

If not, get rid.

Sugarsugarcane · 23/03/2026 11:07

If you had of just ignored the time and stayed out not bothering to let him know you’d call later then that would be a bit off but that’s not the case
this is a red flag OP, having a stop because things didn’t go exactly how he expected and particularly concerning as the reason was round you having fun with someone else.
have you asked him why it peeved him so much? Does he have some kind of ND whereby timings changing can throw him off or is it a simple case of of him wanting to control you?

Kelim · 23/03/2026 11:09

If my friend had said to me they were going home because their new partner expected a call and wouldn't be happy, I would feel worried about her.

In fact I have a friend who was in a similar starting point a few years ago and has been gradually removed from all her friends and family. So after that experience I would feel really worried and I would tell you. I feel worried about you. Be careful.

Divebar2021 · 23/03/2026 11:09

Uh oh ! I wouldn’t like this regardless of my marital status. I’d probably text my DH to let him know I was going to be out longer so he didn’t think I’d fallen down a well but I wouldn’t cut short my visit.

BuryAllYourSecretsInMySkin · 23/03/2026 11:09

I've been with my dp for almost a decade. We don't live together.

We would expect the other to let us know if a planned call was going to be later, but we wouldn't expect the other to stop an impromptu meeting or whatever to rush home and make a call.

Your dp is being controlling.

Shortandtothepoint · 23/03/2026 11:10

I would set out your expectations and if he can't agree, the relationship isn't going to work. He can't expect you to account for your time, and if he thinks you should you should end it.

Original poster
TheVeronicas · 23/03/2026 11:13

BestZebbie · 23/03/2026 11:05

As long as you gave him a heads up (which you did) so he wasn't wasting his time sitting by the phone waiting for your call, and you don't constantly drop calls with him for 'better offers', then you were fine in the situation above.

Sorry, to clarify I am a gay female, partner is female. I did let her know. She knows and likes my friend. We spend a lot of time on video calls, I often call her while I am working or cooking or doing anything that doesn't require full attention really! Always call before bed. I appreciate the closeness and most of the time It's fine but I do notice if I haven't called as often as I usually do for some reason that she feels we haven't 'spent much time together' and is slightly upset.

OP posts:
topsecretcyclist · 23/03/2026 11:15

I've been with my partner 6 years. What we do in our time is our business. He often pops in to see friends on his way home from work and has a drink with them, I meet friends for lunch. Most of the time we don't even mention it till afterwards. We don't need to know each other's every move.

It does sound very controlling of him, I wouldn't be putting up with it. I wouldn't even like it if I were living with someone - common courtesy to let them know you'll be a bit late back, but if nothing else is arranged it's fine to meet friends.

Right2BareArms · 23/03/2026 11:16

I've read your OP again. You are 2 months into the relationship and you already have doubts.
Part amicably and recognise she might be ok as a friend but too intense as a partner.

TwistedWonder · 23/03/2026 11:17

TheVeronicas · 23/03/2026 11:13

Sorry, to clarify I am a gay female, partner is female. I did let her know. She knows and likes my friend. We spend a lot of time on video calls, I often call her while I am working or cooking or doing anything that doesn't require full attention really! Always call before bed. I appreciate the closeness and most of the time It's fine but I do notice if I haven't called as often as I usually do for some reason that she feels we haven't 'spent much time together' and is slightly upset.

Show quote history

Regardless of the sex that’s way to intense it’s like she’s micro managing your free time and it’s very controlling

Whizzgosh · 23/03/2026 11:19

I’ve been with my dp for several years but we don’t live together. I have a vague idea what he’s up to on the days we’re not together because we know each other’s routines after so long, similarly he could guess what I am doing and we probably talk about it when we see each other next. In your situation I might text him saying “I bumped into Jenny at the Red Lion” and that would be it until I saw him next when I might tell him about Jenny’s holiday or new sofa.

Original poster
TheVeronicas · 23/03/2026 11:22

Right2BareArms · 23/03/2026 11:06

Was your DP waiting for you in any way - was he at yours or had you an outing planned for the afternoon or something?

If not, get rid.

I guess she was, expecting my attention (a video call) once I got home. But no, she was at her home, I was returning to mine alone.

OP posts:
Right2BareArms · 23/03/2026 11:24

TheVeronicas · 23/03/2026 11:22

I guess she was, expecting my attention (a video call) once I got home. But no, she was at her home, I was returning to mine alone.

Show quote history

Thanks. See my pp.
You are 2 months into the relationship and you already have doubts. Part amicably.

lurkingfromhome · 23/03/2026 11:24

Fuck that. Get rid. It will only get worse.

FloweringShrub · 23/03/2026 11:28

I lived with mine and even he wouldn't have an issue with this unless itmessed up some big plans...
Drop her, as pps say it will only get worse

RoyalPenguin · 23/03/2026 11:32

This is very controlling. I would be furious with my partner if I couldn't accept a spontaneous drink with a friend! Either your partner needs to apologise and reassure you that this won't happen or you should dump her.

CanHardlyBearTo · 23/03/2026 11:33

Two months, you say? Fuck that shit.

BauhausOfEliott · 23/03/2026 11:36

OP, your partner is incredibly controlling and you should absolutely not continue this relationship.

Even if you lived with her, it would be perfectly reasonable to have a couple of spontaneous drinks with a friend on an afternoon when you had no other plans.

Honestly, this is the reddest of red flags and if she's behaving like this after only a couple of months, things are not going to improve.

JustAnotherWhinger · 23/03/2026 11:37

That’s massively controlling.
This early in the relationship means it’s a massive red flag imo.

On Saturday I went for a quick drink at the pub. Met an old friend and was out considerably later than planned. DH was at home with the kids in bed. We had no big plans - just as you and your GF had no big plans - so it was zero drama whatsoever.
in fact he was delighted I had a chance to catch up with my friend and had an unexpected good night!

Is your GF at home with kids or caring for parents and that’s partly why she resents your freedom?

dadtoateen · 23/03/2026 11:37

That doesn't sound very healthy. You let your partner know you were going to be out later than planned, what's the issue?
To be honest, i find it quite concerning you have to let her know your every move and timings.... Doesn't sound like a good start to the relationship.

Hope you can both work something out.

ItWasntMyFault · 23/03/2026 11:37

I’ve been with DP for over 12 years but we live separately due to our children. I let him know if I have friends round or if I’m going out just so he knows I’m busy and won’t be available to call or message. He certainly wouldn’t expect me to change my plans for him.