If you're in a relationship but not living together what are your expectations about what the other does?

[TheVeronicas]

I am not sure what's 'normal' here.

I am in a relationship and my partner isn't happy with me because yesterday I took my dog for a walk and said I would probably call in at the local pub for a glass of wine. I often do this of a weekend when the weather is nice. As it was, my friend came into the pub unexpectedly and I ended up having two more drinks and staying later than I said I would. I did message my partner to say this, and we had a video call when I got home.

To me it is a bit like, no commitment (yet) no cohabitation, separate lives, does a partner in that situation have any control over what the other does?

To my partner, I said I'd be about an hour and was a lot longer than that and it isn't respectful and I should do what I said I would do and should've told my friend 'sorry, I am going home now because partner will expect a call and won't be happy'.

I have known my partner for years but only been in a relationship for a couple of months.

I did (which is in the OP)?

It's very important to me! I wasn't seeing her that day anyway, so I didn't think it mattered what I WAS doing.

I appreciate it may have been the 'thing' she'd planned all day though. I don't want her to do that. If she'd said she'd ring me and had then gone out//stayed out doing something else, that'd have been absolutely fine.

We talked it through and I explained my stance. She said 'it is what it is'.

I told her I will not be able to always commit to doing exactly what I say I am going to do, life doesn't work like that, but it would be very different if she was here, waiting for me at home with plans to do something. She didn't say anything else so I have left it at that. I think she realised she was being unreasonable.

Come to think of it, she has also done things like say she'd call and then gone out somewhere (just to the shops or whatever) but until this point I had obviously not thought anything about it. It is just a 'nothing' matter, just life, doesn't bother me one bit. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy talking to her! Just that I appreciate people have lives and other things to do. I am going to see how things go, I am not going to give up just yet. I have known her over a decade and don't want to lose everything over something she may have learned from.

Run. Fast.

I’d be wary of a relationship where I was somebody’s only social outlet and hobby anyway tbh… not really healthy for either of you.

It never seemed like this before, I found it very surprising.

Well that's kind of my point. It would have been fine for you because your life is full with work and friends etc. From the sound of it the biggest thing in her life is your relationship. Inevitably that means it will be a bigger deal for her than you when plans (even for a phone call) change. Whether that's too much for you to cope with/too suffocating is for you to decide.

Yes, I guess. This is not something I will be okay with if it happens again, so I am going to try taking back control in the sense that if I go out I will not say a time I will be back, even estimated. I can't remember the last time I went out to anywhere at all and was hugely delayed, but it happens. So I will just be more casual about it and say (if for example I am going to the pub again) that I am going out don't know what time I will be back.

I may even remind her that they've been times where I have planned to call her and she's sent a mesg saying she's going out to the shops or something, and I haven't become angered by it, to me that's exactly the same thing, other than my reaction was nothing like hers!

So I will just be more casual about it and say (if for example I am going to the pub again) that I am going out don't know what time I will be back

Do you really want a relationship where you have to account for your movements every day to a person you don't live with?

Would you not just want to be able to live your life without keeping them informed of everything you're doing?

I feel claustrophobic just reading about this.

Same. You can be compatible as friends but not as partners. Sounds like that's the case here.

I don't really, no.

But I also don't want to split up. I would rather just go about the best way of navigating this. I don't mind letting her know what I am doing, I mean, if I am engaged in conversation with anyone I might say 'Anyway I am going to the gym shortly' or such, that isn't a problem, but I don't want to be beholden to having to be back at a certain time, unless, as many have corroborated, I have firm (in person) plans with her!

I'm afraid your DP sounds a bit controlling. Unless you had planned something, such as I do with DP where it might be that at 8pm we will online game together while talking on Discord, then you shouldn't have to put your life on hold.
With that partner, who I don't live with, we arrange days that I'll be at his, but around that we do whatever we like. If we're going to do a phone call, we'll just say when we'll be home, but then also could just say "sorry I'm not going to be in now, I'll call later". If your DP is like this after just a few months, I'd be worried