If you're in a relationship but not living together what are your expectations about what the other does?

[TheVeronicas]

I am not sure what's 'normal' here.

I am in a relationship and my partner isn't happy with me because yesterday I took my dog for a walk and said I would probably call in at the local pub for a glass of wine. I often do this of a weekend when the weather is nice. As it was, my friend came into the pub unexpectedly and I ended up having two more drinks and staying later than I said I would. I did message my partner to say this, and we had a video call when I got home.

To me it is a bit like, no commitment (yet) no cohabitation, separate lives, does a partner in that situation have any control over what the other does?

To my partner, I said I'd be about an hour and was a lot longer than that and it isn't respectful and I should do what I said I would do and should've told my friend 'sorry, I am going home now because partner will expect a call and won't be happy'.

I have known my partner for years but only been in a relationship for a couple of months.

So you gave a "rough" indication of an hour and said you'd call after.

Why didn't you text an update when you realised you'd be longer than an hour before calling?

You made an arrangement, you broke it.

She did. She said she texted to let her partner know that she bumped into a friend and will stay out longer and that's they'd speak once she gotten home.

Similar. I certainly wouldn't be scheduling calls and wouldn't be upset if the call didn't happen. Also I could always call myself if I was worried or something.

It's all.a bit ridic

Get out of the relationship now. It'll only get worse. I have been with my partner for ten years but we don't live together. He would never say anything like that to me. Never. I'm the same.

I've been with my partner fiver years, we don't live together. We let each other know what we are up to when we chat but certainly don't feel like we owe each other explanations in situations like you describe, followed by recriminations! Sounds controlling and way too intense. If it's early days, worth nipping in the bud, or at least seeing it for the red flag it is.

Fuck him off! Sharpish!!
You shouldn't be having fun because he needs to face time you, why facetime? To 'prove' where you are? Hell fucking no!
Get out of this situation before you are hurt. No-one with a normal mind would say hibehaviour is is in anyway normal

The OP’s partner is a woman

She did. She texted her girlfriend with an update from the pub. Her girlfriend wasn’t satisfied with that because she felt she should have gone home for a phone call. Despite the fact that they phone frequently every day.

It sounds like the relationship is more important to her than to you. What was, to you, a causal arrangement to give her a call when you got back was maybe the best/biggest thing she had planned that day.

It can be very intense to be in a relationship that's this lopsided in terms of importance. I'd think about stepping back.

I didn't live with DH before marriage. We were both free to do what we liked without running it past the other unless we'd pre-arranged to meet or call each other.

To me it is a bit like, no commitment (yet) no cohabitation, separate lives, does a partner in that situation have any control over what the other does? @TheVeronicas

Even if you're married/living together a partner doesn't get to have control over what the other does.

It's only going to get worse the more you give in and pander to your controlling and insecure dp.

I think you should tell her that you actually don't appreciate that guilt trip as you've done nothing wrong.

This behaviour would really worry me. 🚩

Doesn't matter who your partner is or if you live together or not this is a huge red flag, I live with my dh and a quick text saying I will be home when I'm home and then enjoy my day or evening and same from him if he goes out or unexpectedly stays out longer. No weirdness no arguments no 300 questions to answer when I get home because that's love and trust

How's it going g @TheVeronicas? Have you made any progress in explaining that this behaviour isn't reasonable in a relationship, or does she still think that you're in the wrong?

This really reminds me of my ex and a particular incident where I went out for longer than planned (he was away and we didn't live together). I was also out with someone he knew. He called me deceitful and said he didn't want to be with someone like that. It did get worse. Run.

Hm. If we agree on time, I expect my partner to let me know if he's late or to be on time. For me that's basic respect. You let her know so that would be ok for me in that context.

@notimeforregrets , it was probably a 'I'm taking the dog for a walk, I'll call you when I get back.' comment when they speak several times a day anyway, and OP messaged to say she would be out longer.

There was no disrespect on the OP's part.

We have been close for years, always got on well, always been there for one another, had a good time when together. I gradually realised there were more than friendship feelings there and felt we could work well together.

I didn't expect this of course.

This is quite sad to think about
Maybe you're right.

I definitely agree separate lives are healthy to have, even in a marriage, you still need to be you!

I'm starting to think my partner and I are weird as we always know what the other is doing.

He will message me on a weekend and tell me if he is planning to pop to the motorbike shop. He will then message me when he gets home as I worry about him on that bloody bike. If in the week he needs to go to Tesco, he will tell me. I know his work schedule as he works abroad a lot - so I know exactly where he is. If he is going out for dinner with his colleagues, he lets me know and tells me he will message me when he gets back to his hotel room.

He knows where I am. If I am taking the dogs for their run he will ask what time the appointment is, so he can judge when I will get back. I tell him if I am going to see my parents or if I have other plans with a rough ETA. This Friday I am going out and I said I will text him during the interval so he knows roughly when I should get home .... as he won't be able to rest until I am safe.

We even have a phone tracker app on our phones so we can see where the other is any time we like.

I'm starting to think we are slightly obsessed with each other 😜

But @Belladog1 the OP's partner did know where she was - she sent a message to say she was staying at the pub having a drink with a friend. The issue is that her partner thinks she should have refused the drink and gone home.

It always would have been a 'no no' in the past for me too. I made an exception, just felt that in this case, it could work. I've only dated women who have worked before, and that's never worked out!

I am often busy with work or other work-related matters and it means she's always free when I am free, I think I saw that as a possible plus point, and she seems to support herself just fine, I know she has a HA property and has pets hobbies that cost £. She's had one job since I've known her, in a hotel but it fell through (not her fault, it went bust!) but nothing else other than her selling things. I assume you can make a decent living from that, she always seems fine for £. But again, the points made make sense unfortunately.

This would've been my response too. I'd have been happy that she was happy, out having a good time. I'd have maybe wanted a text to say she got home safe but other than that wouldn't have thought much of it.

I had a feeling someone would say that but I didn't know what else to say to be honest! 'Girlfriend' sounds like I am a bloke or I am 15 years old, to me! Obviously I don't mind others saying it.