If you're in a relationship but not living together what are your expectations about what the other does?

[TheVeronicas]

I am not sure what's 'normal' here.

I am in a relationship and my partner isn't happy with me because yesterday I took my dog for a walk and said I would probably call in at the local pub for a glass of wine. I often do this of a weekend when the weather is nice. As it was, my friend came into the pub unexpectedly and I ended up having two more drinks and staying later than I said I would. I did message my partner to say this, and we had a video call when I got home.

To me it is a bit like, no commitment (yet) no cohabitation, separate lives, does a partner in that situation have any control over what the other does?

To my partner, I said I'd be about an hour and was a lot longer than that and it isn't respectful and I should do what I said I would do and should've told my friend 'sorry, I am going home now because partner will expect a call and won't be happy'.

I have known my partner for years but only been in a relationship for a couple of months.

Even if you were living together this would be sounding alarm bells to me OP!

Me and DP have lived together 20 years and don't need permission or the OK from the other to stay out longer than we planned! We're independent people with our own lives, and as long as we didn't actually have plans, then why does it matter if we're out longer than expected?

I'd be running a mile to be honest, I'd find it utterly suffocating.

I’ve been with my DP nearly ten years. We live in the same village but different houses and due to commitments rarely spend the actual night together. We never video call, and phone calls fit around our lives not the other way round. Neither of us would dream of policing the other’s time with friends/family like this. Because it might not seem like it, but this is what it is doing - isolating you in an unhealthy way.

My best friend has been with her DP for six years, 20 miles apart, they see each other entirety of most weekends and have a telephone call each evening but it’s easily only a five minute one if either is busy.

You can tweak things going forwards, just because something has turned in to a habit doesn’t mean it’s the best thing.

Oh, this doesn't sound good. But then I wouldn't be in a relationship where I am facetiming constantly either.
I would say as long as you had not agreed to call or meet her at a certain time, and this stop at the pub stopped that, then your time when you're not together is yours !!
She sounds quite over bearing though and I don't think it will get better

Even if I was living with someone im a grown adult and I decide what I do with my time. Obviously if you had a plans with the person or childcare etc thats different but otherwise its just controlling. And a telephone/video calls is not plans

Run for the hills, is there an element of jealousy about the friend you had a drink with perhaps? Is she an ex-partner for example which would make current partner uneasy, or is she just controlling?

I could understand if you had plans and were meeting for supper and drinks with friend scuppered that, but for a call that could happen at any time and you made partner aware of situation, massive red flag.

Get rid, there are plenty of fabulous other lesbians out there.

I feel like this. That my time of a weekend is mine. I do facetime her often but we did this as friends anyway.

For context I work four days a week and have another business so often have paperwork to do and things to sort out to do with that so I'd say I work almost full time. She doesn't work. Neither of us have children. She's not a carer or anything like that.

I have friends in the area who I meet up with for a drink/coffee a couple of times a week, she doesn't do anything like that, I think what I am quite clumsily saying is I am busier than her overall and this may be relevant.

Nope, male friend who she likes and gets on well with.

Yikes, for it to feel like this 2 months into a relationship, is a real bad sign. I'd feel suffocated, and she sounds needy and clingy and just overbearing.

No Thank you

It sounds like you are a busy active person and she spends time sitting around waiting for you to call? Why doesn't she work if she doesn't have any caring responsibilities?

I am going to approach it with her later on today. I am not sure how! But I will say something.

That’s suffocating and really strange. I’d say to my partner in this scenario, how nice it was you got to see your friend. I would not want to move in with this person, they’ll end up putting a tracker on your phone or worse…

It sounds like her days are empty and she's relying on you to fill them for her.
Move on, @TheVeronicas , it's not a healthy relationship.

I say she doesn't work, she does sell things on eBay and does some crafts that she sells to the local shops, sorry.

But this doesn't take up much time, sometimes a couple of hours per week, and she does less of it in the colder months.

This would be so sad, given we'd likely lose a 13 year friendship with it!
I will try to get to the bottom of it with her.
So far, I don't fully understand it other than 'if you say you're doing something, you do it', and I didn't, I did something else.

Maybe in future I should just say I've no idea what time I'll be back, if I go out somewhere and then there aren't expectations.

You shouldn’t have to change perfectly normal behaviour just to please someone whose expectations are unreasonable.

This is a her problem not a you one and she’s the one who needs to look at her need to micro manage your free time.

Its not a healthy expectation from her

Maybe in future I should just say I've no idea what time I'll be back, if I go out somewhere and then there aren't expectations

So, you're already walking on eggshells in case she kicks off, and you've only been dating for two months?

Honestly, this is really unhealthy. This relationship is a terrible idea.

How you react/respond to thisnow will set the tone for the rest of your relationship. If you pander to this kind of controlling behaviour, it will only get worse. If you set clear, firm boundaries about your availability now, there is a chance that things could work out.

As a PP said, this is a her problem, not a you problem, and that is for her to resolve, not you.

That is not normal OP.

A quick call or text from the pub to say friend just arrived too so will be staying for longer. As long as you gave a heads up so DP wasn’t waiting by the phone.

a healthy secure response would be ‘great have a fab time speak later’

Your DP sounds like they have insecurity issues and is using control to make themselves feel safe. I don’t think you need to automatically ‘get rid’ but a healthy conversation about your boundaries sounds like it’s needed.

That sounds stifling and hideous

That’s really controlling! I’ve been with my DP 2.5 years and would never expect them to leave because we had planned to have a video call. A quick text to say I’ll be home later than expected is considerate so they’re not hanging about waiting for a call.

Assuming it was just a catch up call, and you weren’t taking about something serious/ they didn’t have something awful going on in their life.

Sorry for the assumption about your partner's gender!
I don't think that changes the reasonableness of your actions.

Massive red flag for controlling behaviour.

I love with my partner and wouldn't let him dictate how long I am out for

Is she very rigid in other ways OP? The bit about "if you say you're doing something, you do it" made me think she may possibly be ND?

Being ND wouldn't make it OK for her to control her partner, though.

The OP also says that she becomes huffy if she feels they haven't been 'spending enough time together' (ie constantly FaceTiming all the time) which suggests to me that this about neediness and control. This would be unacceptable behaviour towards a partner regardless of whether she was ND or not.