If you're in a relationship but not living together what are your expectations about what the other does?

[TheVeronicas]

I am not sure what's 'normal' here.

I am in a relationship and my partner isn't happy with me because yesterday I took my dog for a walk and said I would probably call in at the local pub for a glass of wine. I often do this of a weekend when the weather is nice. As it was, my friend came into the pub unexpectedly and I ended up having two more drinks and staying later than I said I would. I did message my partner to say this, and we had a video call when I got home.

To me it is a bit like, no commitment (yet) no cohabitation, separate lives, does a partner in that situation have any control over what the other does?

To my partner, I said I'd be about an hour and was a lot longer than that and it isn't respectful and I should do what I said I would do and should've told my friend 'sorry, I am going home now because partner will expect a call and won't be happy'.

I have known my partner for years but only been in a relationship for a couple of months.

Not that I can think of.

For various reasons we've had quite a lot of conversations about ND and the difficulties it can cause and I really don't think she seems it. One of my ex's had ASD too, and while I am more than aware it is different from one person to the next, I don't see any signs.

I think with this, she found it disrespectful. Even though I had kept her informed, she still wanted me to do as I said I would do. She rarely goes out anywhere, perhaps doesn't appreciate that free time is precious to me. She also doesn't drink, so perhaps doesn't fully appreciate that when a friend comes in the pub who you usually have a great chat with, one glass of wine can easily become two or three!

Having said that, going to the pub and staying later than planned is not something I do regularly.

I am beginning to see that most people feel this way. I appreciate all of the replies, and of the above, nope, not a call about anything in particular, I just said that I was going to go for a walk and would call in at the pub for one, would ring when back.

I am the same, if she went out, said she'd ring when back and then messaged to say she'd be back late I honestly wouldn't mind at all. Would just be glad she was having a good time. I don't think I would even think much of it.

I think with this, she found it disrespectful. Even though I had kept her informed, she still wanted me to do as I said I would do.

This stands out to me. You don't even owe keeping her informed on how you spend your own time. The fact you did and she was still annoyed is really not on. People are allowed to change their mind on what they are doing with free time without approval from anyone.

Personally, I would find that suffocating.

Being on here means you’re second guessing yourself already!

This is utterly ridiculous. I don’t live with my partner and it would not cross my mind to do anything other than whatever I wanted to do, unless I had actual in person plans with him which I’d never cancel.

Her behaviour is controlling, and there are red flags flying. I would get out now before it gets worse.

Agree. And it is likely to ramp up. It's a red flag to me.

So she doesn’t go out and doesn’t work. Just sits at home expecting you to FaceTime her to keep her entertained throughout the day. Every day.

And then gets arsey with you if you’re dragged away from her by, you know, your own functioning, independent life. And calls you ‘disrespectful’, as if she’s a minor royal and you’ve forgotten to call her Ma’am.

What’s the appeal here, exactly? Because I’ll level with you; she sounds more like a millstone round your neck than a girlfriend, and I’m not seeing what‘s in this for you.

I suspect she is relying on you solely for company as she doesn't work and doesn't go out much. You on the other hand have a busy work and social life and don't really need her as much. This is a very unbalanced relationship and unlikely to work out long term. She is far too needy.

You've been together for 2 months. Run as fast as you can.

I would feel completely suffocated in your situation. She doesn’t have much going on so she’s trying to force you into being her entertainment by being possessive and controlling. The fact that you have known her for so long doesn’t really matter, you have now seen who she is in a relationship and it’s not good. Since you’ve only been dating a few weeks I would cut my losses now and just explain that you don’t want to be in an all-consuming intense relationship but that you equally value alone time and time with friends.

Joining the choir- very controlling. Red flag this early. You didn’t go awol. Not working would also be an issue for me, unless she has a passive income or something. She needs to fill her time herself, not rely on you to do it. I think this will only get worse, sorry op.

Whoa! Partner sounds very controlling.

You did a lot to keep him informed. The only response I’d have expected is “oh how is your friend? Did you have a nice time?”

What? So you didn't have plans with her later? What the fuck has it got to do with her? Tbh I am usually of the opinion that things should be talked through but in this case I would walk away with no discussion. That is a scarily high level of entitlement to control you that she is displaying and so early in the relationship. I would fear for your safety if you continued in this relationship.

I have a long-distance relationship and I don't update my partner on my hourly whereabouts, we usually chat once a day, sometimes less, and we live our own lives in between and share updates if and when we feel like it, not as an obligation.

This would feel oppressive for me, and I absolutely wouldn't tolerate it in my male partner.

I'm married and my dh's response to this would be "how lovely, have a great time and don't worry about rushing back for me. Say hi to X from me"

Which is a normal healthy response.

2 months into a relationship this is a massive red flag OP. You're already thinking you might have to modify your behaviour to mollify her in future over something that is actually perfectly OK.

It sounds like she doesn't have a lot in her life outside of your relationship? I never think this is a particularly healthy way to enter a relationship - it tends not be very positive for either partner if one is like that. You are still individuals and an individual life apart from each other is a positive thing, no matter how long you've been together.

'sorry, I am going home now because partner will expect a call and won't be happy'.

Your partner expects you to tell your friends you can’t stay and have a drink with them because she ‘won’t be happy’… ?
A couple of months in and she’s already trying to control what you do would be the end of it for me.

You're calling her your partner after 2 months? That in itself says it's got too intense too quickly.

I've been with my boyfriend 2 years. We don't live together. He would have no issue whatsoever if I'd done this. He'd actually have been happy for me that I had a better time by bumping into friends.

I hope you can see her behaviour for the 🚩it is.

Partner sounds like a huge red flag and this is the start of it. Your time is not hers to control. You don’t owe her an apology and you shouldn’t be tolerating this behaviour.

Errrrr even if you were living together ish pops up….you texted to say where you are & what you were doing (i mean im fully committed living together and he probably would have gotten a text / call when i was on my way home-so your better than me in that aspect) but to shut a friend down because he’s expecting your call….are we still using a house phone?? He could call your mobile no?
i don’t know. Sounds a bit controlling & wanting to isolate you.

At first I thought you meant she was staying at yours and you had gone out and returned a few hours later. But it sounds as though she didn’t have anything else to do other than speak to you, so I think it’s a bit unfair for her to say you were disrespectful of her time. Personally I wouldn’t be in a relationship where we speak several times a day because in the past I have sensed an element of control and me being the sole source of entertainment in someone’s life. But if you both like it then maybe that is not a problem. I think having a conversation is a good idea and you will know much more from her reaction

She's telling you that you need to keep her happy in preference to your own happiness and that "disrespect" is not acceptable. I don't think this is very nice and I wouldn't want a partner with these views about relationships. It sounds like the worst sort of toxic masculinity and she's not even a man.

Yuck this feels very off.

The frequent facetiming seems controlling too - she can keep tabs on where you are and what you are doing.

Absolutely not! If he's not at home waiting for you or coming to see you why should it matter? This seems very red flag controlling behaviour. He doesn't get to control what you do. I've been married for 20 years and if I called by and met friend while out, id call him yes, would he be bothered? No ( so longs we didn't have plans).

Blimey! I wouldn’t stand for this from a long standing live together relationship.

unless you have shared kids that you were failing to show up for, you’re free to do what you like :)