Is it rude to decline being a pallbearer if you are asked?

[funeraldisagreements]

Due to a family disagreement I’m wondering how others see this . Is it rude to decline to be a pallbearer? For any reason ? Whether that be that you are too upset / grieving or just really don’t want to or just want to attend the funeral/wake not participate in any other part ?

If you’re asked and decline surely that’s ok? Or is it see as disrespectful and something you should not say no to?

I will add this wasn’t a specific request of the deceased person (DP grandfather) but more of demand (dressed up as a simple request initially) by wider family.

A bit tricky but if you decline citing (unspecified) ability or health reasons I think that would be fine.
Pallbearing can be difficult if the heights of all the bearers differ widely I have seen people struggle and it looks awkward and possibly dangerous.

IME the funeral directors can be very framk about the difficulties of pallbearing, and put a lot of emphasis on fitness and suitability.

So it's your DP? I'm not sure honestly. In my family nobody would ever get asked to do that.

If he really doesn't want to he should not be forced but it's true it could seem hurtful to certain types of people.

If he says he's simply too upset and feels it could be too distressing they sort of have to accept it though surely?

No, I don't think it's rude, but that depends largely on how the refusal was phrased.

He said ‘I’m really sorry I just don’t feel I can do it’ he was pressed for reasons and said he felt he would be upset and distracted and just wants to focus on saying goodbye not anything logistical.

No one in my family have ever been asked to be pallbearers. It's usually the funeral directors who do it.

To me it's a personal preference, the same as doing a reading at a funeral. No one should be forced to do something they don't want to.

At what stage did he decline? Not on the day I hope.

I think depends on the family / culture.

For my family unless you're 5"5 or have a slipped disc or something it would be considered a bit off to decline especially if it was mum, dad or sibling.

Ie. At any funeral event I'd fully expect something to be said by the family if my DH or DB declined without "good cause"... and id also expect at the funeral the older ones would be having a big old chat about why wasnt Paul's son a paulbearer? What were they doing getting John's son instead...?" etc

No at the initial planing stages

No, it’s a personal choice/decision that should (!) be respected.

It would be pretty bad in our family. It’s seen as a last mark of respect that a strong/ fit man can make in carrying a loved one on their final journey. To decline without good reason would be very hurtful

When I did it we just held a decorative rope each, the funeral director's people actually carried the coffin.

If he's a very close relative (e.g. it's a parent) I would find it odd and a bit disrespectful for him to decline on the basis you've given.
If it's not a very close relative then I'd expect him to agree to do it because it's a way of supporting the ones who are closer to that relative. So if it's his uncle who has died for example, I'd find it a bit selfish to decline as presumably that's making life harder for the uncle's children or spouse, it's making it about him.
So overall I have to say I'd find this difficult to understand although more context is needed to be sure.
I have to say I think I'd find it an honour to be asked too so there's that side of it. It's a bit like declining to be a bridesmaid, of course you are free to do so but you can't expect no fallout.

I suppose it depends on whether your partner would be expecting family members to be pallbearers for his parents when the time comes? Because it's ok to refuse but it's not ok to refuse but expect the same thing yourself.

When my father died, his adult grandchildren were devastated but saw it as being a last final action of respect for the man they had loved since they were born.

Its a big ask and a lot of responsibility. My DH was asked on the actual day of his brothers funeral. He did it , but I saw in his face that he was terrified about dropping the coffin. I dont think its disrespectful to decline, most funerals I have attended, the coffin was wheeled in on a trolley

They were absolutely horrified when after the event they found out I was 3 weeks post c section!

OP, I do think it's a bit rude to decline without health related reason.

Tbh I think the reasons your husband gave could possibly be seen as rude. In my family how it works are the pallbearers are close family, so everyone is upset and wants to say goodbye. Your husband won't be unique in that. It's considered an honour to be asked, it shows that you are someone they feel can trusted with the loved ones remains and they want your help in making sure they make it safely. You put aside your feelings to help your loved one in this final way.

Saying that you couldn't do it as you would be too upset and want to say goodbye could be seen as implying that the other pallbearers aren't. Emotions are heightened at and around the death of loved ones and things can be taken in ways that they aren't intended.

I can honestly say that at all the funerals I've been to and I have been to around 12, not once could I tell you who the pallbearers were.

It definitely depends on religion / culture / family beliefs. My family are Eastern European and it is always the sons / grandsons / nephews / male relatives who carry the coffin. I've never known any different.

I’ve only recently realised this is different from family to family/area to area. My DH died last year and I’d automatically assumed his family (southern) would want to be pallbearers so planned for it. They were horrified to be asked and said it was only the job of the funeral directors. My family (from the north) were equally as horrified to not be asked, my DB in particular was really upset.

It’s not rude, but I would find it quite disrespectful, and I’d be embarrassed if one of my adult sons refused to do this for their grandparents. It’s quite traditional in my family though, and it would be unusual not to do it.

In my family an able bodied man saying no would be seen as not doing their bit I'm afraid. It's not a nice job but it's a big mark of respect. If one person declined it might mean the deceased can't be carried at all, or not all by family.

I think my family would accept the decision but there would be judgement and muttering. (Disclaimer: I'm no apologist, I'm just saying what would happen).

I agree.

I agree.

Pallbearers need to be fit, strong and roughly the same height and build. They also need time to practice.

I'm sure we remember Lady Di's funeral where they had 8 pallbearers because the coffin was lead-lined and really heavy.

www.newsweek.com/watch-princess-diana-funeral-pallbearers-recall-heart-stopping-moment-they-655093