Is it rude to decline being a pallbearer if you are asked?

[funeraldisagreements]

Due to a family disagreement I’m wondering how others see this . Is it rude to decline to be a pallbearer? For any reason ? Whether that be that you are too upset / grieving or just really don’t want to or just want to attend the funeral/wake not participate in any other part ?

If you’re asked and decline surely that’s ok? Or is it see as disrespectful and something you should not say no to?

I will add this wasn’t a specific request of the deceased person (DP grandfather) but more of demand (dressed up as a simple request initially) by wider family.

I think this thread shows that there's a bit of a gulf in experience/norm. In terms of your question though, OP, it's not really what is normal or rude for random strangers but what the "rule" is in the family's own history and culture. Even if say 90% of the country don't do it - and judging by this thread I think it's a lot less than that - if this family is in the other 10% it still has potential to be read as disrespectful or tone deaf to the deceased's closest family.

PPs may say they personally don't consider it a token of respect. That's up to them of course. But if the person asking you to participate does consider it an important measure of friendship and respect, and you say no, then turning it down has meaning and may cause hurt. One of those moments when it's important to step outside your own perspective I think, especially if you saying to someone doing all the organising that you are too bereaved to be distracted by logistics. OP maybe your husband could sound out some less close family members. Generally we give support inwards, to those closest to the deceased, and lean on others future out for support.

I do think it's rude and disrespectful. I did do it for my grandma.

I very much hope that none of my family members are put in a position of doing anything that makes my funeral even more difficult for them than it will already be.

One of my daughters found her dad's funeral almost unbearable, and I think it made her grief worse. If she doesn't want to attend mine, I'm fine with that, and I hope the rest of the family would understand.

I'm really shocked that grieving family members would be berated by many on this thread, just for asking not to carry the coffin

Private from whom? This is a job that is done by brothers, sons and grandsons. Could the OP's husband really not tell his parents if he has a physical injury or condition that means he can't carry his grandmother's coffin?

Clearly, it’s not a pre prepared speech. But the essence is, it’s a choice. Surely giving people a choice is less formal than expecting them to do it or explain? I find it odd that people leave others uncomfortable.

That’s interesting because every funeral I’ve been to, it’s been family members with the occasional funeral directors where there weren’t enough capable men. The last 2 funerals included daughters of the deceased too.

@Soontobe60 Maybe it’s cultural then. When DM died we would not have found 6 men strong enough. Maybe it’s a big family thing and their tradition? How does it work with 6ft 6ins men and 5 ft 2 women? I’m also rather anti people being made to feel uncomfortable. I’m 70 and never seen it. Maybe because the deceased doesn’t care? I wouldn’t. It must be culture to even think of it and mn posters don’t declare that.

I agree.

It's an extremely self-centred attitude to take. It is an honour to be asked and part of a tradition of respect and dignity.

It's common where I am - rural Scotland, but close to central belt. No need to pressure people to do it as it is the norm here. It's simply what you do. And family members and close friends want to do it as a final act of respect and love.

This is exactly what I was going to say! If it’s for a health reason - like you can’t physically do it - then I think people would be understanding but otherwise… it feels kind of disrespectful not to do it. Like it’s a sort of duty you owe to your relative, really a way of honouring them (this is how it would be viewed in my family/culture/area anyway)

@Seeingadistance An awful lot of people don’t see it as that though. It’s just a job really.

I don't think it is just cultural. I think it depends on the make up of the family. When my parents died and when my auntie died there just weren't enough suitable people to carry the coffin, so it was wheeled in on a trolley.

No-one thought it was disrespectful. It was just a practical solution.

I'm happy for those families who have loads of friends and family young enough and strong enough to carry a coffin, but it simply wasn't the case for my family.

There are clearly some big cultural differences around death and funerals across the UK. I wonder if having family act a pallbearers is more common amongst people who consider themselves to be religious, a geographical thing, a “class” thing, something else?

Personally I’m atheist, middle class, live in the South, and I would consider this a job best left to professionals. For me, that is how you show respect and dignity.

I have no desire to have my 2 sons carry my coffin unless they particularly felt like it would help them in some way. Otherwise the thought of them doing it doesn’t hold any symbolic meaning for me at all. Obviously that isn’t the same for everyone though.

Personally I’m atheist, middle class, live in the South, and I would consider this a job best left to professionals. For me, that is how you show respect and dignity.

Better than seeing people struggle not to drop a coffin isn't it.
Fellow southerner here.

I've not heard of anyone being requested to do this. I've known it the other way round- people asking if they can help carry the coffin. The funeral directors will always do it unless people ask the family if they can help. At my son's funeral last year three of his closest friends asked me if they could help carry his coffin, and I let the funeral directors know and they facilitated it and made sure everyone knew what to do.

I would absolutely hate any of my family to be pallbearers. Cannot imagine anything worse for them . I have a good friend who learned to drive a motorbike to head the cortège for her lovely Dad …she was awesome and it was her choice.

In my world family carry family. A late friend of mine was wheeled in on trolley when she had an abled bodied husband, sons, brothers and nephews who could have carried her on her final journey. For me it's the most poignant moment of a funeral.

Not for some cultures. At Irish funerals, it would be unheard of for the funeral directors to carry the coffin, unless for some reason literally no one was able. Women, too. I carried my grandmother’s coffin with my sisters and cousins.

I can understand the poignancy. I just don't feel that someone grieving should be forced to carry out a role that they can't face (or be bitched about by other family members who should be supporting each other).

I totally agree.

I come from a family where family do the pall bearing. Confused me that DHs family have the funeral directors do it when there were plenty of family members who could have done it. However, we do one stop shop funerals, so just into the crematorium. Churches generally involve a lot more distance and lowering is harder as well.
He's done it twice for my family now and doesn't particularly enjoy it, having not been brought up to it, but does it out of respect for the living family members. In our family you don't usually get asked in advance, you usually get asked in the car park. It is considered an honour. I can't imagine saying no to any request from the chief mourners at a funeral though. You go, and you give support in whatever way you can.

I would decline due to my natural clumsy nature 😳 I don’t think it’s rude at all to decline.

I'm northern and it's normal in my family for the undertakers to carry the coffin, not family. I think it's fine to decline but culturally others have a different perspective.

I’m really interested in the cultural/regional differences here! I’ve been to a fair few funerals and only once seen family members/friends as pallbearers- funnily enough at the most recent funeral I attended, a couple of months ago. It’s never been the done thing in my own family or any of the other funerals I’ve been to of friends, ILs etc. In fact sometimes the coffin doesn’t get carried in; it’s already in the room when people arrive. I think we might have done that at one or both of my parents’ funerals but I can’t remember.

This has blown my mind. I have been to well over a dozen funerals and I had no idea that funeral staff could/would carry caskets. I have only ever seen family and friends do it (I have done it myself - they had 3 men, 3 women). I always thought of it like morbid bridesmaids and groomsmen