Is it rude to decline being a pallbearer if you are asked?

[funeraldisagreements]

Due to a family disagreement I’m wondering how others see this . Is it rude to decline to be a pallbearer? For any reason ? Whether that be that you are too upset / grieving or just really don’t want to or just want to attend the funeral/wake not participate in any other part ?

If you’re asked and decline surely that’s ok? Or is it see as disrespectful and something you should not say no to?

I will add this wasn’t a specific request of the deceased person (DP grandfather) but more of demand (dressed up as a simple request initially) by wider family.

I assume the majority of contributors on this thread are women who are saying its rude and disrespectful. Maybe they would like to step in and do it instead?

Where I am from in ireland it is common enough for women to shoulder the coffin - especially for the death of a woman.

It is a real honour to be asked but I wouldn't judge anyone who didn't feel up to it.

I wouldn’t be upset if someone declined, no.

What a strangely formal way to speak to your family!

It does have. Formality about it though - it’s something very significant, not an invite to the pub!

When my parents died there weren't enough adult males available to do it, so their coffins were wheeled in by the funeral directors. I don't think there is anything wrog with that.

I'm 4 foot 6 inches and was asked to be a Paul bearer 15 years ago and I dropped the corner I was holding (I tried my best by stretching my arms above head but I still dropped it). I would say no from now on

It’s also bloody awful to FORCE someone to do something just because you decided they ‘should’ or your family tradition declared them liable to do it. Disgusting behaviour of people you’re meant to love

Please tell me you don’t speak to your family like that? Do you type out formal letters to ask them if they want a cuppa?!

DH is much taller than the other members of his family, and there were a few heart in mouth moments when he was carrying his mum's coffin with the other much shorter members.

I, personally, don't think it is disrespectful to not want to be a pall bearer for any reason, but I am clearly in the minority.

I'm astonished at how many posters would be offended at someone politely saying they didn't want to do it. Clearly there's a massive cultural divide.

I've been to many funerals, sadly (I'm old) and in every case, the funeral directors team bore the coffin.

I know that funeral culture is very different in Ireland, but surely not all those posters are Irish?

I think it probably would appear rude, but I also think you have to do what you feel comfortable with. If your DH is not comfortable then he shouldn't be forced into doing it, you can;t really control what others feel about his decision.

My son has been a pall bearer on 2 occasions, once for his grandfather and once for a very close friend. His feeling was that it was a service he could perform as a last mark of respect for the deceased, and he very much wanted to do it. He also gave a reading at one funeral and gave the eulogy at another at the request of the families. I honestly could not have done readings/eulogies but my son is a very different character from me. If he had not wanted to do it I would have advised him not to. You do the best you can, funerals are hard enough without the strain of performing a role you do not wish to do.
My XH was a pall bearer at his Dad's funeral and he hated it, because he felt everyone was looking at him waiting for him to break down.

On a practical note, one funeral my DS was bearer at was at a crematorium and the coffin did not have to be carried very far (so a fairly limited job) the other was a church funeral and the coffin had to be carried from the church door down the aisle and he said it was pretty heavy, and he is a big strong built bloke.

In my family they would be surprised but not offended. They would assume that you had your own reasons to refuse

We are not Irish in any way - northern
been to funerals with trolleys and funerals with pall bearers
at my dads, the 2 sons carried along with the professionals

a “polite” decline as per PP wouldn’t be enough to my mind - the refusal should reflect the honour of the request.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the question being slightly formal given the matter under discussion.
To attempt to suggest an equivalence with offering a cup of tea is ridiculous and embarrassing for you,

I've only ever seen the FD staff carrying the coffin, that's surely part of their job?

Same when my mum died last year my two nephews and my son,and Dh carried her coffin into the church and out ,to the crematorium and was nice in a sad way.

I'm good at eulogies. I can do them.

Yes of course but family members csn if they want to .

No it’s not rude to me, or a lack of respect. My dad died and none of my strapping healthy brothers carried his coffin, the funeral directors had people to do that. Only one did a reading on behalf of us all. Nothing to do with our relationship with him, which was fantastic, he really was a great dad. Ex DH also recently declined to carry his grandfather, many reasons but it was fine. People deal with grief in different ways and not wanting to carry the coffin is part of that grief. There’s no wrong or right answer, it’s what the person who is living and has to live with is comfortable with. Some strange and quite cold attitudes here.

I'm good at eulogies. I can do them.

Yes. I would willingly speak or do a reading at a funeral if asked, but would not want to be one of the bearer party.

Not Irish, never been to a funeral where the family didn’t carry the coffin. I find it strange that you’ve never seen this.

Irish descent
Maybe its a Catholic thing ?
My Dad carried his mum. And Dads coffin when they died
La mix of my uncle and aunts.children and grandchildren carried their coffins at their. funerals
And my son ,two nephews and Dh carried my mums coffin ast year.

It wasn’t slightly formal. It was completely devoid of emotion and just weird.

The reason families carry the coffin is borne out if love where I come from. It’s that one last thing you can do for them and certainly more on a par with a lovely, warm, familiar cup of tea. If I received a formal message like that from a family member I’d be really upset.

So I’d say it’s more embarrassing for you that you think otherwise!

I think it's a bad look to decline.

If relatives or members of the congregation didn’t then how would the coffin get carried as the funeral directors don’t come mob handed do they?

Yes they do if they're required. The funeral director will arrange it during the planning. I've only been to 2 funerals where the coffin was carried by family and that was my dh's parents. Every other funeral (several) the pallbearers were provided by the undertaker.