Is it rude to decline being a pallbearer if you are asked?

[funeraldisagreements]

Due to a family disagreement I’m wondering how others see this . Is it rude to decline to be a pallbearer? For any reason ? Whether that be that you are too upset / grieving or just really don’t want to or just want to attend the funeral/wake not participate in any other part ?

If you’re asked and decline surely that’s ok? Or is it see as disrespectful and something you should not say no to?

I will add this wasn’t a specific request of the deceased person (DP grandfather) but more of demand (dressed up as a simple request initially) by wider family.

I have written them but I can't read them out, I get too emotional and it would be just be awful for everyone if I attempted it.

When my dad died in 23, I asked 2 of my cousins id they'd help carry him but made it absolutely clear they could say no.

Eldest cousin said no, he felt he didn't have the physical strength fair enough he was 67 at the time so his son did it instead

Slightly younger cousin 66 considered it an honour and was gutted last year when mum died and.he got taken into hospital the day before the funeral so his son stepped in.

In my family it's always been family members who have been the coffin bearers, except when it was my son then his friends carried him.

Bearer parties at state funerals are soldiers who are physically fit, hand picked and rehearse beforehand. It seems a big thing to ask of people who are or have done none of those things

I totally agree. I've been to 2 funerals where family carried the coffin (my dh and a couple of siblings and adult grandchildren) You could see the effort on their faces and they were all struggling. Afterwards they all said how stressful it had been, fearing they were going to be the one whose strength was the first to go.
It was pretty harrowing for all of them. Best leaving it to the professionals unless you absolutely know what you're letting yourself in for.

I grew up in rural Scotland. The pall bearers are always close family and friends. As others have said it's a great honour to be asked and you'd need a good physical reason for not doing it. I'm actually gobsmacked that @funeraldisagreements 's DH has refused to be a pall bearer for his grandmother and I'd be having words if I was his mother (my teenage son has already been told it'll be expected of him if he's an adult when his grandmother dies). It's not an optional activity and his family will be offended that he has put his personal comfort before showing respect for his grandmother. Sometimes we have to do hard and upsetting things for the people we love and the world would be a better place if more people understood that.

I assume the majority of contributors on this thread are women who are saying its rude and disrespectful. Maybe they would like to step in and do it instead?

A lot of women act as pallbearers. My 2 nieces and sil did so at their gm's funeral. They did struggle though, as did the men.

I have never been to a funeral that has bearers from the family and I am shocked that there's obviously a lot of pressure on family members to do it in some families.

Also, it sounds like the pressure of this is falling on the male members of the family in the majority, reinforcing the idea that men have to be strong and keep it together, which isn't good that they have that extra pressure.

At least he was asked ahead of time. My brothers (conveniently matched in height) were asked as they arrived at my grandmother's burial. They were 2 of only 4 pallbearers, and had to lower the coffin into the grave - both are reasonably strong, but had never done it before. One told me afterwards he was terrified he'd drop it; they had to lower the coffin on a special strap. They'd have been much happier for it to have been done by the professionals. They did carry our other grandmother too, but as 2 of 6, having been asked in advance, and without having to lower her into a grave.

It wasn’t slightly formal. It was completely devoid of emotion and just weird

I see it as a perfectly normal way to address the issue. It is a tricky subject and to formalise it, giving the person an easy opt out, makes it easier on everyone.

It's not devoid of emotion and it's not weird.

When DFIL died last year, DMIL asked DH, DBIL, and her DGSs to be pallbearers. I asked our DSes, on behalf of MIL, for logistical reasons and they both said “if that’s what grandma wants, then of course.” I do think I’d have been a little bit shocked if they’d said no to her tbh.

We actually don’t have to be pall bearers though. No one does it around here. Must be a northern thing. We just have funeral director staff who are professionals. Less stress and loads of people would never consider it an honour. More like an imposition!

Less stress and loads of people would never consider it an honour. More like an imposition!

I'm really shocked at the number of people who would judge harshly anyone who didn't want to carry a coffin. It's really physically demanding and unless you've done it before you have no idea quite how hard.

Not rude at all. My sons were pall bearers when my dad died, but when my mum died they declined as did her other grandsons having found it stressful previously. No one minded and the funeral directors brought her in,

I would think it’s quite odd if he didn’t do it if all of the other pallbearers were family members.

It's absolutely fine to decline for any reason. I know lots of people who have acted as pallbearers and others who have said no. The funeral directors will have people there who make up the numbers so it's not as if turning it down is going to create any sort of problem in getting the person into the service.
if somebody says no, I think it's rude of them to ask why not, because I don't want to is a perfectly legitimate reason which doesn't require any further explanation.

I am surprised by the number of people who've never had any family act as pallbearers. My gt niece alongside her two brothers was a pallbearer at her grand dad's funeral.

you'd need a good physical reason for not doing it.

So you'd have to disclose health information which you might have preferred to keep private, then have others judge whether It was a good enough reason?

They wheel it in on a trolley. There is no shame or disrepect in that.

I'm really shocked at the number of people who would judge harshly anyone who didn't want to carry a coffin. It's really physically demanding and unless you've done it before you have no idea quite how hard.

So am I.

My family mainly had girls, and none of us were expected to carry a coffin. I assume those who were shocked had lots of men in the family who could carry one.

Absolutely fine to refuse politely.
A relative wanted my father and brother to be a pall bearer for my grandad. Both refused.
A) my dad had lost his parent and was in his mid 70s with shoulder and back issues. It was a lead lined coffin.
B) my brother is about 8 inches taller.

C) It has never, ever, been a family tradition for our family.
The funeral directors arranged 6 pall bearers who carried the coffin impeccably.

There's no more context needed. He doesn't want to. End of.

Absolutely not an issue to decline.

I’ve learnt something today, I have never been to a funeral where isn’t wasn’t the funeral directors.

I’m shocked that politely refusing is seen as rude. Why would you need to give a reason.

Eh? What you on about? No one mentioned being forced! As I said, in our family every able man has seen it as an honour to be able to do this one last thing for someone they love and gladly do it 🤷🏻‍♀️

This

My family are catholic and it wouldn’t be an issue. My grandma died fairly recently and there were too many adult grandsons for them all to do it. Can’t remember who did. Nice eulogies from my cousin and uncle. I was asked but declined, my family are lovely so wouldn’t say anything but my priority was my DD at her first funeral and making sure she was ok and know my lovely Grandma always put the kids first.

I’m Irish and have lost count of how many funerals I’ve been to. It has always been family and friends who have carried the coffin, mostly men, but women on occasion too. And they generally assist in lowering it into the grave too. It’s seen as a huge mark of honour and respect for their loved one.

In my family it would be seen as really off not to if asked - unless you are really short or really ill. My DP nearly 70 recently pall beared his Uncle along with other family men including my late teens son (who wasn’t mad keen) but it was a mark of respect.