Is it rude to decline being a pallbearer if you are asked?

[funeraldisagreements]

Due to a family disagreement I’m wondering how others see this . Is it rude to decline to be a pallbearer? For any reason ? Whether that be that you are too upset / grieving or just really don’t want to or just want to attend the funeral/wake not participate in any other part ?

If you’re asked and decline surely that’s ok? Or is it see as disrespectful and something you should not say no to?

I will add this wasn’t a specific request of the deceased person (DP grandfather) but more of demand (dressed up as a simple request initially) by wider family.

I wouldn't be offended if someone felt being a pall-bearer wasn't for them. It's a personal choice and an explanation isn't required.

It does seem to be a cultural/regional thing with it seeming much more common in Ireland and the North for family members to bear the coffin than in the south. I'm also sure I remember a funeral in Ireland where the deceased man's sisters carried the coffin and I was a bit surprised but no one else seemed to think it was particularly unusual.

Sadly I went to two funerals last week (both south) and in the first one the relatives did carry the coffin (only the very last part, the funeral directors used a trolley for most of is journey). The deceased lady's daughter remarked later that her mum had been a really fun loving person and keen dancer and would have loved the idea of being lifted up by young men for the last time, which I thought was really lovely. In the second one the funeral directors carried the coffin into the chapel. My husband was the next of kin and I just asked him if the funeral directors had given the option but he said they didn't ask and it hadn't even occurred to him.

When it was our stillborn son's funeral I carried the coffin and kept it on my lap during the service. That hadnt been the plan in advance but suddenly outside the chapel I heard myself blurting out "I want to carry him". The funeral director was really kind and encouraged us to do whatever gave us most comfort.

Sorry I have really digressed. To answer the wisdom, I do think it is a bit off to refuse if you are asked, health reasons aside. If there is a cultural expectation it could be quite offensive to the next of kin to say no.

Every funeral I've ever been to had the coffin wheeled in by the Funeral Directors on a trolley thing. (Scotland, England and Wales).

Don't think I've ever seen family carrying the coffin.

It is not rude to decline but I would say an honor to be asked

It is a big thing in our family and social circles. It is a huge sign of respect for the deceased and a privilege to be asked and trusted to take that family member on their final journey.

Not a role anyone wants to do, but also not one anyone I know would turn down unless physically incapable. My dh has done it several times, my ds did it for my dad when he was just 17. An emotional day and I was so proud of how he stood up that day.

I completely understand your dp being apprehensive and the initial reflex reaction to say no especially if he has never done it before, but I would encourage him to dig deep and do it for his grandfather if he possibly can.

My 12 year old willing offered to pallbear at my sister’s funeral, as a he wanted to show his respects to his favourite auntie. A lot of fully grown men amongst family and friends declined because they were “too sad”.

Whilst i respected their decision, it was disappointing that they didn’t feel comfortable in doing what DS was willing to do. I will forever remember the dignity and respect he showed my sister that day.

I declined for my own dad. The reason being I'm shorter than my brother, husband and son, I had a bad shoulder at the time and most crucially I felt that I should walk in with my mum. There's no way I'd have seen her walking in on her own or without really close family, I wanted to support her. So a close friend was the 4th pallbearer and the funeral directors provided two more.

Coming back to this he'd actually be saying to the person organising the funeral - often the partner or closest family of the decreased, that he can't do it because he wants to prioritise his own grief/ doesn't want to focus on logistics. That could be extremely tone deaf to the person who has likely lost the most and yet is deep in the organising despite their grief.

I think it’s entirely up to the individual
when DFIL died the three sons were asked on the day. There were professionals present to do it but they were told they were welcome to do it if they wanted to. 2 of the sons did, 1 didn’t want to. This caused zero issues.

Weak minded?? What an unpleasant comment. It sounds very clear minded by the OP's DP.
Isn't it always said that funerals are for the living. I'd hate to think that anyone was judging me at my mum's funeral for just trying to get through the day and not also worrying about if I might have the physical strength or emotional ability to carry her coffin.

Not rude at all.

Its very common in my family for family members to be pallbearers (I was 35 before I attended a funeral where the funeral directors did it), but it’s known and accepted that some people just can’t do it. To the point when my Nana died there were two of her brothers not even asked as it was more respectful to them not to as we knew they wouldn’t wish to.

I’m knocking on a bit and have organised a fair few funerals. We’ve always had the funeral directors carry the coffin. Never occurred to me to do differently really.
I don’t think it’s as easy as it looks!
I’ve noticed in America they have a trolley rather than carrying it!

No, not rude. It’s certainly not ok for someone to feel pressured (or even emotionally blackmailed) into doing something at a funeral that they aren’t sure they could cope with. Similar to giving a talk or doing a reading imo - I knew I wouldn’t be able to do that for either of my parents.

In my family & area, the pallbears are always family. Sons, grandsons, brothers, son in-laws of the deceased and then nephews / extended family. Sisters also have taken part.
Its an honour to be asked , to be part of their loved one's final journey.

The pall is the cloth that covers the coffin, so strictly speaking the pallbearers are carrying or holding the cloth covering, which is much less demanding.

Bearer parties at state funerals are soldiers who are physically fit, hand picked and rehearse beforehand. It seems a big thing to ask of people who are or have done none of those things.

I've been to quite a lot of funerals. At all of them the coffin was carried or wheeled in by the funeral director's people.

No, my Mum died last year, I was next of kin (I was only 32), my youngest brother wanted to be a pall bearer, my eldest brother didn’t. It was as simple as that, nobody pressed for “why”. The funeral staff stepped in to make up the numbers and they were lovely.
Any pressure coming from the family could be misplaced grief so I wouldn’t take it too personally at this time.

Not rude in my opinion. When ds died the coffin was in situ before we went in

This would not go down well in my Irish Catholic culture, and would be considered disrespectful to the deceased. It would only really be acceptable to refuse if physically incapable. It is a privilege to carry the coffin of a loved one.

My dad was too heavy to be carried, and had 4 daughters. We wheeled him on the trolley into and out of the church. I can't imagine not doing so.

It seems selfish to me to not want to focus on anything logistical, if we all did that there would no personal touches at all at the funeral.

My DP was suddenly made to be pallbearer for his granddads funeral. He found it really difficult. He's a very shy person and having every watching him while he was also emotional made him very uncomfortable and he pretty much left the funeral straight after the service as he felt so uncomfortable ( has dx of autism). No one in his family understood and he didn't make a fuss said hello to a few people and quietly left. But a few in his family were very upset and he has been even more low contact since.

It’s definitely cultural and regional as PP have said. I have never been to a funeral where the deceased wasn’t carried except for FIL who was very much a loner and had a tiny family. DH was mortified that there weren’t enough people to act as bearers and we had to use the undertaker’s people.

It would be a grenade to my family dynamics if one of the grandsons/ sons refused. It’s from tradition so much so that it is not even asked. Simply presumed. When my husband joined the family it equally has become true that he now expects to pall bear in any family funeral (and has twice). It would be talked about in the community and easily noticeable if family opted out. Definitely considered disrespectful and would cause speculation of fallouts/ scandal. But I can see from the thread that this is dependant upon area and culture I guess. I’m from a small Welsh mining village which is still quite traditional I guess.

We had a funeral last year where we had medals to take up the aisle to the coffin and my brother (closest male relative in the next generation down) said he wouldn't take them so we ended up with a cousin once removed doing the job which I found somewhat odd. I think I was surprised he wasn't prepared to put himself through the discomfort in order to show respect to our relative. But that was the decision he made and there would be no point anyone getting cross with him for it, so no one v made a fuss.

We've had funeral directors do the pall bearing at the last few funerals I've been at, but I have to say it surprised me that they didn't ask relatives to do the pall bearing as that's what I remember from when I was a child, I think.

Of course it's not rude.

It's rude to assume that anyone would a) want to do it or b) be capable of doing it.

The polite way to ask is to offer - 'if you would like to be a pallbearer please let me know by x date'.

Do they actually need pall bearers as in to carry the coffin? When my DF died the pall bearers just escorted the coffin on a trolley through the Crematorium. I can't remember how many we had but there was at least a foot in height difference between my parents' godson and my DF's friend.

My father's side of the family have always had the physically able men closest to the deceased do it. I think for them, it would be seen as disrespectful to decline other than for medical/fitness reasons.