Is it rude to decline being a pallbearer if you are asked?

[funeraldisagreements]

Due to a family disagreement I’m wondering how others see this . Is it rude to decline to be a pallbearer? For any reason ? Whether that be that you are too upset / grieving or just really don’t want to or just want to attend the funeral/wake not participate in any other part ?

If you’re asked and decline surely that’s ok? Or is it see as disrespectful and something you should not say no to?

I will add this wasn’t a specific request of the deceased person (DP grandfather) but more of demand (dressed up as a simple request initially) by wider family.

Good for you.

Like I said cultural differences.

In Ireland if a man wasnt carrying his father's / mother's coffin it would 100% be commented / remarked upon.

I'm sure we remember Lady Di's funeral where they had 8 pallbearers because the coffin was lead-lined and really heavy.

And at Churchill's funeral the soldiers of the bearer party struggled carrying the coffin up the steps of St Paul's.

The designated pallbearers there were mostly elderly men who followed behind the coffin.

When we’ve had family funerals, it has always been offered as optional. ‘We would like to offer you the opportunity to be a pallbearer. It’s completely a personal decision, and the undertakers will bring enough people on the day in case you change your mind at any time’. We’re not offended either way, and are grateful for the persons attendance. We never needed a reason for a no, and it can come whenever. This approach usually results in it being really clear who is a yes / no / maybe. Nobody should be made to do things they’re not comfortable with at funerals.

It’s definitely cultural as to whether you can refuse or not.
I’m Irish and it’s expected that able bodied male relatives carry the coffin. Height difference is definitely a factor but funeral directors know how to balance it out and least strong are at the front. My DF had scoliosis and was excused at family funerals as is my BIL with a dodgy back.
Refusing because you don’t feel like it /as you’re grieving is definitely not an option at an Irish funeral. My late MIL was carried by her 5 sons and a different grandson/nephew at the relevant intervals. It’s the last act of respect and love.

Not rude, there's no right or wrong in this situation, it's personal.
I did know someone who worked in a funeral home and he much preferred people didn't do it because of suitability, fitness or getting it wrong. Had a few dropped coffins.

I think this can come across a little rude because everyone wants to focus on saying goodbye and not on logistics. So there’s a risk this comes across (especially to grieving people) as “I’ll be too upset. Someone else less upset will have to do it”. As in, either he thinks other people should push through the upset when he won’t, or he thinks he’ll be more upset than other people.

Really, I do actually think it should be fine to decline and not give a reason. But I think anything where a group of people need to do something related to a funeral, and one person bows out because they’re too upset, it can come across as insensitive to other grieving people.

I don't feel it is rude at all. It is not something everyone feels comfortable doing and if you prefer to attend the funeral and grieve in your own way - that should be respected.

It's fine to decline IMO, it's a big ask.

No one in my family ever carries the coffin. I can't even remember how it gets to the front of the building.

I’m northern and yes it’s all hands to the pump at a funeral if you are a bloke . If relatives or members of the congregation didn’t then how would the coffin get carried as the funeral directors don’t come mob handed do they? I’m questioning myself now as to how many they bring.

I've just realised our family is so tiny we couldn't even cobble together six men to carry a coffin anyway. I imagine it would be different if there were enough people.

I'm afraid I'd look at someone refusing because they wanted to 'focus on saying goodbye' quite poorly. Comes across very precious and weak minded. Does he think he can 'focus on saying bye' but his cousins/siblings whoever else will pick up the slack.

Definitely a cultural thing though because I'm only just learning from this thread that the funeral directors do it in some places.

You haven’t written the actual situation. I think it could be construed as difficult. Obviously the deceased can’t be offended. Any ramifications emotionally or financial can only be judged by you.

Never been to a funeral where the funeral directors staff did not do it! Always use professionals! Just makes it easier for everyone. No arguments!

We asked my dad's best friend if he wanted to do it at dad's funeral. He wanted to, but we would have completely understood if he didn't feel up to it. Dad's coffin was on a trolley, but the pallbearers were the ones that took the coffin from the hearse and onto the trolley, and into the crematorium, not the funeral directors. If any of them had said they didn't want to do it that would have been fine, we wouldn't have insisted on reasons.

When DH's parents died, there weren't enough strong people of matching heights to organise it properly, so the people who would have carried the coffin by virtue of family position accompanied it as it was brought in on a wheeled trolley. Actually DH had forgotten, in all the trauma of illness and death, that he'd been a pallbearer at my parents' funerals, and imagined it was some odd practice dreamed up by the rest of the family, so it was just as well it wouldn't have worked out. People don't always act rationally. My parents were quite young when they died, and my DF made sure to specify who would do this job in order to prevent a squabble over it.

I'd have been furious with anyone who refused to help me carry my mother, when I asked.

I was furious about a lot of things, to be fair...

I considered it an honour to anyone I asked (her brothers did it with me and my own brother). I would have taken it incredibly badly in all honesty, but happily they all took it as the honour it was offered as.

I think the cultural thing is key.

A relative of mine died in Ireland, and they asked my uncle if he wanted to be a pallbearer, and he was horrified and said no, of course not. He very much found the idea upsetting, and it's not part of our family culture. We realised later that in Ireland it is much more of a thing, and the funeral people found it quite strange he said no. But no one was offended so far as I remember - they just understood that different people do have different cultural expectations around it.

I can see the OP's husband may have put his foot in it by not realising it was expected. But I think if he feels strongly he ought to be able to explain that for him it's not a normal thing and he wouldn't feel ok about it.

This is what we had always had experience of just that it’s part of the funeral service and done by professionals

Funeral director organised it for my dads funeral.

i’m English and have never actually experienced family being expected to do it.

The funeral directors can use a trolley to wheel the coffin in.
Nobody should be pressed into doing something that they really dont wish to.
I assume the majority of contributors on this thread are women who are saying its rude and disrespectful. Maybe they would like to step in and do it instead?

The funerals i´ve been to in England (South) re mi English family, no one has carried the coffin, the funeral people did everything.
My family in Spain were the same, the funeral parlour dealt with everything. I think it depends on the family and the region.

All the grandsons did it for my mother in law. Some were her biological grandsons and some were step grandsons. My son was super nervous but afterwards very glad he did it .

But it obviously isn't in this case....

I think it’s fine to decline for whatever reason.
Anyone who subsequently makes things difficult for the one refusing or who speaks about them negatively is the one at fault.
We all grieve differently and what one person may find important or be able to do is different to another person.
Funerals (and weddings) can bring out the worst in people.

No one in my immediate family has been asked to do this but I know when my Mum died her adult dgs's would have willingly done it if requested. It's tricky because it's seen as quite an honour to be asked so to refuse unless on health grounds would be seen as a snub to the deceased. Sometimes the funeral directors carry the coffin but a couple of family members hold the handles of the coffin as they walk down the aisle, so showing support but no weight to bear. If this is seen as a mark of respect by your family and there is a tradition of adult males carrying the coffin then to refuse would cause not only offence but be a negative talking point and they'll likely be judged.