Have been with my husband for almost 10 years, met working in a creative industry and fell pregnant fairly soon after. I left that industry as it involved lots of travel, retrained and now work full time in a (stressful) clinical NHS role. Husband used to be paid very well - somewhere around 200k a year I’d say (prior to us meeting). This dropped to around 120k by the time Covid hit, still an unbelievable salary, especially compared to mine!
the biggest mystery in our marriage is what he does with his money, he says he just fritters it away somehow. In 2022 he was presented with a huge unpaid tax bill (around 60k) which was spread over many years. I was devastated. We moved into a small flat (have always rented) and he managed to pay it off after a few years. All was well, he was working under PAYE so tax was paid automatically. Last year he decided to move over to freelance again - I felt very nervous about this. His work has dwindled, he is now maybe working 5 jobs a year (each lasting about 2 weeks) so now has a lot of free time. House is constantly a mess, I work four long days/nights a week and am still expected to do 80% of household/mental load tasks. We’ve somehow switched to me paying for absolutely everything as he hasn’t worked for about 3 months now. I was happy to do this to prevent him using money he has saved for tax. I mean all Christmas presents, household bills, food shopping, absolutely everything. Whenever I gently approach him about taking on more of a domestic role at home he uses the depression card and says he is trying his best. I just get flash backs to being freshly postpartum with DC2 in the throes of ppd, managing with severely autistic DC1 and him telling me I needed to do more to keep the house clean.
last night I found out the money saved for tax is all gone. Every last penny. He doesn’t know where it’s gone to, it’s just frittered away. I’m devastated, so essentially another 30k-40k bill that is coming our way. I’ve told him he needs a stable job, a regular job that he can go to everyday the same way I do. He is refusing. I want to ask him to leave 😭 I had dreams of owning a house one day but am now realising that as long as I am with him it will never happen. I have no idea where his money goes, he never goes out so definitely no drugs or prostitutes, the only thing I can think is he is gambling (which he refuses).
I am absolutely devastated and exhausted. And have no idea what to do. I am already paying for everything so nothing will change there. It’s not as if he uses his money to pay for luxuries, our lifestyle is moderate, kids never go without but I can’t remember the last time I had a new pair of shoes or a haircut!