Husband refuses to get a stable job

[Losingmymindagain]

Have been with my husband for almost 10 years, met working in a creative industry and fell pregnant fairly soon after. I left that industry as it involved lots of travel, retrained and now work full time in a (stressful) clinical NHS role. Husband used to be paid very well - somewhere around 200k a year I’d say (prior to us meeting). This dropped to around 120k by the time Covid hit, still an unbelievable salary, especially compared to mine!

the biggest mystery in our marriage is what he does with his money, he says he just fritters it away somehow. In 2022 he was presented with a huge unpaid tax bill (around 60k) which was spread over many years. I was devastated. We moved into a small flat (have always rented) and he managed to pay it off after a few years. All was well, he was working under PAYE so tax was paid automatically. Last year he decided to move over to freelance again - I felt very nervous about this. His work has dwindled, he is now maybe working 5 jobs a year (each lasting about 2 weeks) so now has a lot of free time. House is constantly a mess, I work four long days/nights a week and am still expected to do 80% of household/mental load tasks. We’ve somehow switched to me paying for absolutely everything as he hasn’t worked for about 3 months now. I was happy to do this to prevent him using money he has saved for tax. I mean all Christmas presents, household bills, food shopping, absolutely everything. Whenever I gently approach him about taking on more of a domestic role at home he uses the depression card and says he is trying his best. I just get flash backs to being freshly postpartum with DC2 in the throes of ppd, managing with severely autistic DC1 and him telling me I needed to do more to keep the house clean.

last night I found out the money saved for tax is all gone. Every last penny. He doesn’t know where it’s gone to, it’s just frittered away. I’m devastated, so essentially another 30k-40k bill that is coming our way. I’ve told him he needs a stable job, a regular job that he can go to everyday the same way I do. He is refusing. I want to ask him to leave 😭 I had dreams of owning a house one day but am now realising that as long as I am with him it will never happen. I have no idea where his money goes, he never goes out so definitely no drugs or prostitutes, the only thing I can think is he is gambling (which he refuses).

I am absolutely devastated and exhausted. And have no idea what to do. I am already paying for everything so nothing will change there. It’s not as if he uses his money to pay for luxuries, our lifestyle is moderate, kids never go without but I can’t remember the last time I had a new pair of shoes or a haircut!

This! There IS a paper trail unless he's somehow spent tens of thousands in cash. Insist on seeing ALL his bank statements, credit card statements, etc., and analyse it all to trace where the money has gone. If he refuses, tell him he has to leave and it's divorce time!

I've just looked at some of your messages on other threads. Are you ok? You seem really really unhappy. Have you got anyone in your life you can reach out to for support? Maybe therapy could help if you have the funds.
OP don't let someone else's unhappiness upset you,. You've been very brave

Well done. Keep going. Just make the next right decision and if you're having an off day and spinning, then action overcomes fear. Just make one small step in the direction you know you need to go in.

He knows where it went, and even if you believe him when he says that he doesn't, that's not even baseline adulting, it's completely irresponsible and disrespectful to drag you down with him like this. He has shown you no regard or care, and you can do and will do better without him. You will work it out, and you will be better. It will be hard, but choose your hard. You will be in control.

Well done! Whatever difficulties lie ahead, you've taken the most important step.

OP, ignore this. Plenty of people own a home on one wage with 2 kids. I do. You cut your cloth accordingly and buy what you can afford.

What the fuck is this comment?! Of course you can own a home on one wage you absolute idiot 😂

In fact, she's actually got FAR more chance of getting a mortgage on her own if she has no debt and a solid income than she would with her useless husband / ex who isn't capable of holding down a proper job and probably has a LOT of dodgy shit (debt, gambling, extreme spending) going on in the background.

Absolutely this!

He's adding no value of any sort. He needs to go.

Congratulations, you'll be so much better off without this dead weight dragging you down. I hope you can get the divorce all sorted and settled in your favor.

I think you can tell UC that you have an ‘untidy tenancy’ in terms of making a claim; however whilst he’s on the tenancy he is still able to access as a when he chooses.
for now you could try the untidy tenancy and explain you’re in the process of having him removed from the tenancy.
youll have some indication on what rent contribution you’ll be entitled to, put that with your wage and approach the letting agent
good luck!
ditching the ‘dead weight’ was the best decision for me, life is hard BUT so much easier and settled now he’s gone

Just saw this but wishing you all the best op. I hope that this is the first of many positive steps for a life for you and your DC.

@Chatsbots "There must be something to show for the cash?
A paper trail. Stop all this gentle nonsense. Get sight of his accounts and do a spreadsheet. Full financial disclosure or fuck off.
Unless he has a golden dick or is the most amazing childcare, there is no point in supporting him"

I agree with this ^.
I suggest you get a Forensic Accountant on the case.
Personally I would suspect he is gambling.

Leave him. I'm outraged on your behalf. When he was earning £200k-£120k you could've managed to live on half his wage and bought a home outright with the other half.

He's damaged your trust. He's stressing you out. He brings nothing to your partnership. Dump him. I don't think I could ever trust him to manage his finances and as a married couple with children this has (obviously) a huge impact on your life.

What's his vision for retirement? You are doing all the right things and he's being a shitty person.

Together, go and see a financial advisor or your accountant.
Perhaps your husband has been hacked.
Your husband needs to be working and I think you should control the finances as he is not trustworthy.
Bring it up with the accountant.

Well done Op. Brave decision, and the right one for you and your dc.

Good luck for your new beginning.

Well, speaking as a freelancer in a creative industry where work has very much dried up, and having chronic depression, I can say with some degree of certainty that he's a selfish, silly twat.

I hope you find a way forward where you and your DC can feel a little more settled and stable.

Well done OP.

It has to be gambling, doesn't it? You can't just fritter away money with absolutely nothing to show for it, unless you're gambling or a drug addict. Or have another family you're secretly supporting! Can you access his bank account and actually see where the money's gone? Although he's going anyway so it won't be your problem - well done, it would only have got worse. Good luck with it all.

Do you know what he frittered the money on, can you get statements for everything? Can you get a credit check for other debts?

I’d worry what other financial lies he may have told.

its either drugs or gambling isn’t it

Honestly you cannot trust him and his behaviour is dire. I can’t see how you can come back from this.. I would go as far to suggest it’s abusive actually; his lack of transparency and lying over finances.

hes not your partner or your team mate. Seek some legal advice @Losingmymindagain hugs xxx

He's not frittering this money away.

He's spending it- on something, whether it be cocaine, gambling, buying expensive hobby items.

It's not going on food, rent, all the basics, is it?

I think the only way this would be saveable is if he was totally financially transparent and allowed you to view all his bank statements, credit scores, and you worked together to come up with a financial plan.

He won't do that though, and he's not committed to keeping your family financially or any type of stable, so I would get out.

I nearly divorced my husband for building up debts, but once the shit hit the fan, he was transparent and we worked together calling debt agencies, moving and paying it off and building the future and even that was beyond stressful.

For someone who isn't working and is just spending money on god knows what, nope. That's appallingly stressful and it can make you very ill indeed.

Exactly the same for me more than 20 years ago. I was accused of being unsupportive when I begged him to get even a part time stable job for the sake of our baby. He wouldn't and gaslighted me.

I ended the marriage eventually. Best thing I ever did even with disabled dc.

My mum did.

I'm confused. If the old tax bill was paid off, he was under PAYE until last year, and he's only had five jobs since and can't afford to pay for anything, how on earth has he run up another tax bill of 30k-40k???