Husband refuses to get a stable job

[Losingmymindagain]

Have been with my husband for almost 10 years, met working in a creative industry and fell pregnant fairly soon after. I left that industry as it involved lots of travel, retrained and now work full time in a (stressful) clinical NHS role. Husband used to be paid very well - somewhere around 200k a year I’d say (prior to us meeting). This dropped to around 120k by the time Covid hit, still an unbelievable salary, especially compared to mine!

the biggest mystery in our marriage is what he does with his money, he says he just fritters it away somehow. In 2022 he was presented with a huge unpaid tax bill (around 60k) which was spread over many years. I was devastated. We moved into a small flat (have always rented) and he managed to pay it off after a few years. All was well, he was working under PAYE so tax was paid automatically. Last year he decided to move over to freelance again - I felt very nervous about this. His work has dwindled, he is now maybe working 5 jobs a year (each lasting about 2 weeks) so now has a lot of free time. House is constantly a mess, I work four long days/nights a week and am still expected to do 80% of household/mental load tasks. We’ve somehow switched to me paying for absolutely everything as he hasn’t worked for about 3 months now. I was happy to do this to prevent him using money he has saved for tax. I mean all Christmas presents, household bills, food shopping, absolutely everything. Whenever I gently approach him about taking on more of a domestic role at home he uses the depression card and says he is trying his best. I just get flash backs to being freshly postpartum with DC2 in the throes of ppd, managing with severely autistic DC1 and him telling me I needed to do more to keep the house clean.

last night I found out the money saved for tax is all gone. Every last penny. He doesn’t know where it’s gone to, it’s just frittered away. I’m devastated, so essentially another 30k-40k bill that is coming our way. I’ve told him he needs a stable job, a regular job that he can go to everyday the same way I do. He is refusing. I want to ask him to leave 😭 I had dreams of owning a house one day but am now realising that as long as I am with him it will never happen. I have no idea where his money goes, he never goes out so definitely no drugs or prostitutes, the only thing I can think is he is gambling (which he refuses).

I am absolutely devastated and exhausted. And have no idea what to do. I am already paying for everything so nothing will change there. It’s not as if he uses his money to pay for luxuries, our lifestyle is moderate, kids never go without but I can’t remember the last time I had a new pair of shoes or a haircut!

I don't say this on a whim, but you really need to leave him. You and your DC can do better. He sounds dreadful. I could never be married to someone so flaky, and happy to take risks with his family's financial security. You would never EVER get a woman doing this. (Especially when there's children involved.)

Make an exit plan @Losingmymindagain You can easily survive without him. He sounds useless and immature - stop enabling him and supporting his crazy and childish fancies. It's not just the silly job hopping, and no guaranteed income, it's the crushing debt too.

Bin him.

@Latebloomer121 · Today 12:21

You'll never own a home on one wage with 2 kids

Well that is nonsense. I know a few women who are single mothers - and get NO help from the bio father - and they have managed to buy a house. What's more, the OP will have more surplus income when she's not supporting her man child of a useless husband!

Brilliant update OP, congratulations.

Remind yourself when you feel like shit - the best thing you can do for your kids is to make sure you don't model an unhealthy relationship, and to show them what valuing oneself looks like. It really is.

Sorry, didn't see your update, but I don't think there's any other way forward. You are carrying him and your entire family alone and that's worse somehow than just doing it all yourself. I am proud of you because this is hard, but he is simply not part of your team, and that's an upsetting thing to accept.

I think more will come out on what he's spent it all on, so prepare yourself for that.

What a ridiculous comment

The OP definitely won't if she stays with someone who is using up electricity, water and eating food but paying for pretty much nothing!

It took me til my 50's again to get back on the property ladder, but life is long, and the OP may well have opportunities, as I have done, to be a lone parent and own my own home.

Get him out before the tax bill comes

Sums it up.

Just saw the update. Well done you. Wishing you the best for the future.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you, but you’re brave and strong and you’ve got this. (And for what it’s worth this stranger on the internet thinks you’re made the right call!) x

@Latebloomer121 That's just not true ... but even if it was she's much better renting for the rest of her life without this useless excuse of a 'DH/father'.

That's a good point.

You need to do some more digging OP.

Congratulations OP, I'm in awe of your strength here.

It's very telling that the work has dwindled since he went freelance. The opposite happens to helpful, competent people when they go freelance. But a lazy freeloader is not much use to anyone.

I just get flash backs to being freshly postpartum with DC2 in the throes of ppd, managing with severely autistic DC1 and him telling me I needed to do more to keep the house clean
How wonderful that you are creating a future for yourself and the children where you don't have to put up with this kind of shit, along with everything else.

More strength to your elbow. By this time next year (if not sooner), you will be so glad you made this decision now.

He's been lying massively over the years. You don't just 'fritter away' money like that unless you are truly thick.

Either he was never on this amount of money, or he's been spending it on gambling, drugs or women, or someone's blackmailing him. The money is so large that I'd wonder if he's been putting into a separate account and financially supporting another family he's made somewhere.

Good for you for separating.

You need to leave OP, he’s never going to change. I’m so sorry. It is despicable of him to spend the savings for the tax bill when you are scrimping and scraping to pay for everything.

My ex also refused to get a stable job, i had the realisation i wouldn't be able to keep a roof over my DC's head if he remained. And almost as soon as he left mt bills actually dropped lol! Water bills/ gas/electric/food/council tax etc. The relief was amazing and i now have my own home with a mortgage and am much happier. Honestly get your ducks in a row and get rid

I also discovered he had 50k of debts and yrs after our divorce a 'secret' drug habit

Ask to see statements.Could of been doing crypto and not revealling to you.

OP you mention autistic DC1. Neurodivergence is highly hereditary. ADHD-Autistic partnerships in marriage are also very very common. Mis-diagnosis in kids is also common (changing from ADHD to Autism and vice versa as kids get older)

i cannot comment on what the neurodivergence is or who has it but your husband is showing very very clear signs of executive functioning issues. Severe issues. Depression is just a by-product of undiagnosed nuerodiversity.

he will not overcome these issues without you both understanding how his brain works, and even then it will be hard to be consistent because consistency requires good executive functioning. I recommend reading Melissa Orlov’s “the ADHD effect on marriage” and listening to some simple podcasts by dr Barkley.

FFS, divorce him! He will ruin your and your DCs' lives financially.

And he's full of shit: you working full time, paying all the bills, AND doing all the housework and childcare while he sits on his arse 42 weeks a year. Run!!!

Will his mum help him out with the children while you work, if he’s living there? Can you sort packed lunches out for them so at least you know they’ll eat?

Shouldn’t have to do this but you were doing it all anyway.

Well done! You are doing it for your children as well because he will just bring your family down. Look into UC and DLA if you haven't already got it for dc1.

@Losingmymindagain can you change to doing bank shifts ?
And/or speak to your sister/manager and see if they could maybe accommodate part time . You could do 6 hour shifts instead . It’s saves them loosing you .
Then do over time shifts bank at weekends , when it’s the exes turn for kids .
You will be fine op , remember you have been doing it alone anyway .

My ex was like this. When I met him he had a great salary and worked hard. Then he moved into my home and we started a family. Suddenly he 'started his own business', that sometimes made zero dollars the whole week. I was forced back to work very soon after having my baby to support us. He lived rent free in my home and was mean to be looking after our child, but would fall asleep looking after a toddler, so it was dangerous in my opinion. This limped on for another few years until I just realised I'd be better off on my own. He was basically a parasite.

This 100% - you’ve been doing it all already, just one less person to “look after”. Well done OP, the future starts now (sorry for sounding like a phone advert!)