Baby’s dad denying paternity then unblocking me, invite him to birth?

[Userunknownx]

Hi everyone..

i am currently 26 weeks pregnant with a little girl who i am SO excited for. I have everything bought, all clothes ready and washed and her rooms all decorated waiting.

Her dad has not been involved at all in this pregnancy, he’s even denied to people that she’s his baby. Due to this I’ve actually offered to pay for a pregnancy DNA and he has denied. He has no reason not to believe she’s not his baby, I’ve offered countless DNA tests & haven’t been with anyone else so not sure what else I can do?

I Am not worried about doing it alone I know im already a great mother and feel so blessed to have another child. I live on my own have a job a 5 year old.

I genuinely do just leave him to it as he’s always made it clear how he feels. I am not one to say either “he’s not seeing the baby”. I just focus on my own life and children so it’s not like I’m contacting him etc.

im not going to put him on child maintenance as i can do it alone and feel like he’s made it clear how he wants his role to be in our daughters life. At first I was like CMS will do. DNA and prove she’s you’re baby as I was so angry that he was telling people she wasn’t and making out I’d slept around.

The past few weeks he’s been unblocking me on social media and very clearly must be looking at things I post (a lot of it is around baby). Why would he be doing this?

I wanted to text him sooner to the time and let him know he’s welcome to be at the birth but if he didn’t want to be that would also be okay. I just don’t want it to feel like I’m withholding information or preventing anything now that he’s unblocked me.

I just don’t understand the constant blocking & unblocking lately & looking at my stuff when he’s had me blocked completely from the start.

His family also message one minute all in to be involved then ignore me for weeks/months at a time. Anytime I try contact them regarding scan invites etc I get a thumbs up or a yes and then they never come. I’ve decided I’m going to stop trying for my own sanity with his family as I know I’ve given every opportunity for them to be involved (as they’ve asked) it’s their first grandchild/child and I just don’t know what’s going on I feel confused at the minute and need advice would you have him in the labour room?

Do dads ever change their mind as pregnancy progresses or baby’s here? I feel like it hasn’t bothered me up until now I notice I’m being unblocked and we’ve exchanged a few texts but whenever I mention baby it’s like he doesn’t have much to say. Do I block him and protect my peace I have no one to talk to this about? Thankyou in advance x

I would take the money from him and put it away for your baby.

i wouldn't block him but would stop looking at his accounts to know if he has blocked you or not.

I wouldn't block his family either but i would stop giving them updates all the time.

I wouldn't have him at the birth, if he hasn't supported you through the birth then he doesn't get to come along to watch.

I think once the baby is born and he see's them he will be interested, he's being a dick the way he's fucking about.

I appreciate that pregnancy is tough emotionally and there are periods where your hormones make you need the father in valves even if he is a waste of space and really should be kept as far away as possible.
There are however few things here that you need to consider as they potentially cannot be undone. The man obviously has form to be nasty, horrible and controlling. So no you do not want him at the birth or any other medical appointments where you may feel vulnerable. Take people who are genuinely supportive and also get it put on your notes that if by chance he should turn up he is not allowed near you.
Re births certificate, this is largely a legal document and has quite significant legal implications - if he is on it he can have an equal say in the upbringing of the child (which school, potentially passport applications etc). You do not want anyone else to have those rights and the ability to randomly interfere in your parenting.
All that is totally separate from him (unlikely but maybe possible) becoming a interested parent once the baby is there or from him or his family having ongoing contact with the baby.
i have been in your shoes as in having had my first child on my own. This has included the whole drama ranging from denying paternity, showing up at hospital, randomly showing up and demanding contact with the child, randomly having contact before disappearing again etc.
Re maintenance, it is entirely up to you - in my case there never was going to be money worthwhile going for and I was able to provide for myself and my child. On the other hand the money is for the welfare of the child. It is a decision only you can take and it is a decision you can postpone.
Given the emotional and hormonal rollercoaster you are likely to be in at present, I would focus on two things. Keep him out of your medical appointments and do not give him any rights re the baby )keep him off the birth certificate.
anything else postpone until a few months after the birth.

I know it's the knee jerk power move on these threads but in all honesty, this guy has weaponised everything so far and messed with OPs head so much. I was so confused when she said about inviting him to the birth, but wouldn't claim CMS. I mean really. This man has really done a number on her, making sure she behaves herself.

Putting him on the birth certificate when he's made it absolutely clear he doesn't want to be a father is literally handing him another stick to beat her with legally.

He should take responsibility yes but he can do that financially via CMS rather than by being named on the birth certificate. Parental responsibility is a legal right over decisions made about the child such as medical or educational decisions. They can have no contact with the child but still block the mum from taking child abroad etc. He doesn't want the child so should not be given these rights- it just gives him an opportunity to abuse or manipulate the OP later down the line. They could also abscond with the child and the police could do nothing if he has PR and there is no evidence he is a risk. It would be foolish to give a man PR that has acted in this way.

If he suddenly wants involvement then he can apply via the courts to be added.

You are right though that it is a disgrace how many men get away with not parenting or providing for children they create.

Having him at the birth will make your body feel unsafe and slow down the labour hormones

If he's on the birth certificate he can make decisions about the baby's (and therefore your) life without being involved in a helpful ways

How old are you both? How long were you together? All this drama and blocking/unblocking sounds very teenage behaviour.

You cannot control how he behaves, how he reacts or if he steps up. You can only control yourself.

So block him on everything except for just one parenting app - make it clear that you will only speak to him about the baby, and it will all be find via that app. Then stick to that.

Do not invite him to the birth. This isn’t about the baby, it’s about YOU. It’s who you want there to support you at the most vulnerable moments of your life. If you want to extend an invite for him to come and meet his daughter after you’ve given birth, let him know in advance that you will do this and that he is not to turn up until you have confirmed you are ready. This means you get cleaned up and settled on the ward etc first.

I agree about the surname and birth certificate. My sister gave her daughter her boyfriends surname and put him on the BC despite advise against it. They split up when she started to crawl and my sister found a drug syringe and needle on the floor that their daughter could have gotten hold of. Since then he has never seen his daughter, never paid child support, has absolutely no interest in her at all. But that didn’t stop him from using his PR to block her from getting a passport issued. She massively regrets giving her daughter his name and putting him on the certificate. At primary school, they used my sisters name for her - but at secondary school she’s back to ex’s surname because that’s her legal name. Not putting him on there isn’t a game or using it in a fight with him - it’s protecting the OP’s daughter from a man who could use it against her. There is an avenue for him to get himself added, and he’s welcome to do that. But don’t make it easy for him to abuse the two of you.

I would block his family too. They have clearly taken his side and have no interest in the baby. If they want to be involved, they do it through your ex on his time with the baby… once he’s acknowledged he is her dad and has begun to act like it.

Good luck.

I totally agree, mothers instantly have parental responsibility, we carry the baby and give birth and we don’t even have any option of rescinding our responsibility in the same way, and you’re absolutely right, it takes two to tango and fathers should have equal responsibility. we both have responsibility for creating the baby and we should both have responsibility once its born.
However, this father is denying that he’s the father, mothers can’t do that (obviously), and with responsibility comes power, and sadly that could mean things are harder and worse for the child when this power isn’t used in the child’s best interests. It’s so sad and I wish it was as simple as it feels like it should be.

While in labour you will be the most vulnerable you have ever been (you have a child so you know this). Having this utter man child in the room with you is the worst thing you could possibly do. Your baby deserves more than someone who just denies them without any reason.

Get on with being a good mother for the baby and stop trying to involve him and his family. If he grows up and apologises for his awful behaviour and asks to be a part of his child’s life you can think about it and make an informed decision at that time. Right now focus on yourself and your baby. And of course your five year old who is about to go through an enormous change having to learn to share you. That’s enough to be dealing with.

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