Baby’s dad denying paternity then unblocking me, invite him to birth?

[Userunknownx]

Hi everyone..

i am currently 26 weeks pregnant with a little girl who i am SO excited for. I have everything bought, all clothes ready and washed and her rooms all decorated waiting.

Her dad has not been involved at all in this pregnancy, he’s even denied to people that she’s his baby. Due to this I’ve actually offered to pay for a pregnancy DNA and he has denied. He has no reason not to believe she’s not his baby, I’ve offered countless DNA tests & haven’t been with anyone else so not sure what else I can do?

I Am not worried about doing it alone I know im already a great mother and feel so blessed to have another child. I live on my own have a job a 5 year old.

I genuinely do just leave him to it as he’s always made it clear how he feels. I am not one to say either “he’s not seeing the baby”. I just focus on my own life and children so it’s not like I’m contacting him etc.

im not going to put him on child maintenance as i can do it alone and feel like he’s made it clear how he wants his role to be in our daughters life. At first I was like CMS will do. DNA and prove she’s you’re baby as I was so angry that he was telling people she wasn’t and making out I’d slept around.

The past few weeks he’s been unblocking me on social media and very clearly must be looking at things I post (a lot of it is around baby). Why would he be doing this?

I wanted to text him sooner to the time and let him know he’s welcome to be at the birth but if he didn’t want to be that would also be okay. I just don’t want it to feel like I’m withholding information or preventing anything now that he’s unblocked me.

I just don’t understand the constant blocking & unblocking lately & looking at my stuff when he’s had me blocked completely from the start.

His family also message one minute all in to be involved then ignore me for weeks/months at a time. Anytime I try contact them regarding scan invites etc I get a thumbs up or a yes and then they never come. I’ve decided I’m going to stop trying for my own sanity with his family as I know I’ve given every opportunity for them to be involved (as they’ve asked) it’s their first grandchild/child and I just don’t know what’s going on I feel confused at the minute and need advice would you have him in the labour room?

Do dads ever change their mind as pregnancy progresses or baby’s here? I feel like it hasn’t bothered me up until now I notice I’m being unblocked and we’ve exchanged a few texts but whenever I mention baby it’s like he doesn’t have much to say. Do I block him and protect my peace I have no one to talk to this about? Thankyou in advance x

No do not let him come to the birth. The birth is about YOU and delivering a healthy baby. You don’t want an unsupportive prick in that environment with you. Also, definitely claim CMS, even if you just save it in a JISA.

Contrary to other advice if you can afford to go it alone do. Then you can tell him to go to fuck and he can go to court if he wants access. I’d pretend he didn’t exist. You’re going to be linked to this arsehole for the next 18 years minimum.

I also wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate at this stage as he is not showing good involvement and if anything were to happen to you it would be better if the baby went to someone who was involved in their life eg aunty uncle grandparents rather than dad she’s never met. You can claim child support even if the father is not on the birth certificate through the Child Maintenance Service (CMS). The CMS can establish paternity through DNA testing or legal determination if it is disputed. Both parents are legally responsible for financial support regardless of marital status or name on the certificate

You’re only 26 weeks. If this was an unplanned pregnancy, and considering you don’t have much of a relationship or live together, you aren’t really giving him much time to come to terms with it. His family might be conflicted because he’s told them a mixture of things.

There are plenty of women that still feel uncertain at this strange in the pregnancy, I don’t think it’s fair to criticise a man or judge his entire future parenting for feeling the same.

For an accidental pregnancy, you are very well prepared at a very early stage, so he’s probably wondering how accidental it really was.

She’s not denying information to her child.
She’s not keeping him off the BC forever- He can apply to go on it.

What she’s doing is giving him the opportunity to demonstrate his commitment and determination to do right by his child, and giving herself a bit of time to recover after the birth. His behaviour has shown he’s untrustworthy and unsupportive. It’s sensible for her to protect herself while she’s vulnerable, until he shows otherwise.

Don’t have him at the birth. Ask your mum or a friend. Block him. And apply for CMS.

@Userunknownx I remember I was in a quandary with people who were mistreating me and I got great advice. Ask once, because anything after that is begging. That became my way of doing things with these people who were very toxic which your ex is.

Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy your baby and just go it alone if you can afford to. It will be much calmer and more peaceful for you and your baby. You can apply through CMS if you do need money but if you don’t need it I would not bother.

You’re right, it is the baby’s birth certificate. However putting him on the baby’s birth certificate will give him parental responsibility which he otherwise won’t have as they’re not married, in these circumstances, when he is denying that he is the father at all, OP absolutely should not put him on the birth certificate, that way he is free to go to court to claim parental responsibility if he wants to, where the court will request he does a DNA test to prove his paternity. If he still refuses in that scenario, then itl likely be assumed that the reason for refusing is because he isn’t the father (if he refused while trying to prove that he wasn’t the the court would presume that he was, in a why would you refuse an opportunity to prove the thing unless it wasn’t true, if you see what I mean)

Parental responsibility opens up so many doors regarding the child’s life, so OP should definitely think carefully about what’s best for the child based on what she knows of him.

good luck OP and congratulations! 💕

No. I would not allow him to be at at birth. I would not contact him again regarding the baby. Definitely don't put him on the birthday certificate. Do apply for cm. He doesn't deserve to be a dad but should pay for the fact he had a child. That would be the limit of his involvement. Your child deserves someone who wants to be there and is going to be a positive and constant presence, not someone who flip flops and doesn't want to be a parent.

He’s treated you and the baby appallingly, why would you want him to see you at your most vulnerable?
He’s not asked to attend, he’s had a nose at social media. Anyone can if your settings are public.

I wouldn’t block him on everything but would lock down my privacy settings.
If he wants to know what is happening he needs to ask.

@Userunknownx the needs of this child must become your focus, so decentre this man and his family when making decisions. The best you can hope for is that they all stay away from your child, because based on what you say here, they will harm her and let her down. Your job going forward is to protect her from that harm. So any question you have about this man/his family, the answer is ‘what is in the best interest of my baby?’

I agree.

Don’t ask him to come to the birth certificate appt.

Get claiming the CMS though. He sounds like a prize idiot.

He's denying the baby is his and putting him on the birth certificate will give him parental responsibility and rights over their child. If he has a change of heart he can be added at a later date. Unless he goes to register the baby with the OP, he can't go on it anyway as they are not married so both have to be present.

Birth is not a performance or a party for guests. It’s a personal, often very medical experience for the mother, focused on her needs, her comfort and her baby’s safety.

Forget about him. He will come to you if he wants to. If he wants to meet the baby he can do so after she’s safely born and home.

Stop trying to micromanage the behaviour of people you can’t control, who don’t like or respect you.

Daft to have him at the birth.

Wrong to not take the money. That's for your daughter. Not you. If you're so determined to say you can do it alone, save the money for her future.

Trying to appear strong while pandering to this dickhead.

Birth is a very vulnerable time for you. It’s not a spectator sport. Only people who should be there are ones supporting you. Find a dear friend or a family member to be there for you. He can visit his child when he wants.

I wouldn’t be giving this loser a window into your world. Remove him from all social media so he can’t see anything you post. He should be an active participant in his child’s life if he wants photos or information about them.

Frankly, it’s weird to invite his family to scans. I’d give that an awkward thumbs up too because I wouldn’t know how to respond to someone I’m not close to inviting me to their medical appointments. After baby is here, I’d send them some photos and invite them around when you are settled at home.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. I will echo everyone else. Do not invite him to the birth. You are so vulnerable in that situation and need a supportive person. Do claim CMS. It’s for your baby.

Personally I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate as it gives him too much say in your baby’s life such as choosing schools or getting medical treatment. He doesn’t deserve a say based on how he has behaved.

Its not usual for family to come to scans, honestly they may well think you are a bit odd for inviting them.

You don’t understand what he’s doing because he’s a feckless head worker that is experienced in playing mine games, manipulating women and he’s totally emotionally stunted. And you are completely naive and unaware and seem to think that you treating somebody well should equal you getting the same treatment back in return. That’s not the way these idiot works.

The very best thing you can do (for your child) is to cut him out completely. His family produced this awful person and yet you seem happy for your cold to spend 50% of her time with them going forward and that means they will have 50% of the influence and it will likely be awful, inconsistent and damaging to get personality and growth. But you have to power to stop this and minimise damage.

when he unblocks you, block him so he can’t carp this on. take back your own power instead of sitting there waiting breadcrumbs for this loser. Don’t have him at the birth. Don’t put him on the birth certificate or you give him power over your lives. Tell him in a recorded delivery letter that he is welcome to see her at your house, supervised, for 2-4 hours over a week on a set day. If he turns up, he turns up. If he doesn’t, hes just reinforcing who he is. And he’s telling you very loudly right now who he is. He doesn’t care about you at all, he doesn’t care that he’s lying about you and sex like, he’s manipulative and inconsistent. And you are just sat there allowing it like you think this cocklodgi g walker will be an improvement to your life? He won’t. if I was in your shoes I’d be moving and forgetting him, he’s going to produce a life time of misery.

It's not treating a baby as a pawn to not have him on the birth certificate. If mum puts him on there he will have parental responsibility.

He could then take the baby out for a walk in the pram and not bring them back. As he has equal parental responsibility and mum would have to go through the courts to get child back.

It would be over my dead body that I would invite this man to come and sign the birth certificate with everything that has happened so far.

If he wants equal parental responsibility at some point, he can earn it.

It's not some moral high horse putting him on the birth certificate. It's a strong legal position putting him on there, and it's not one I'd be giving him in the current situation.

OP in terms of the birth no, I would not be inviting him or his family, it's a vulnerable time and I'd want a friend or family member there that I trust, on no one but midwives over him. In my area there are free doulas too who can support mums who don't have anyone who can be beside them at the birth.

I also want to say, inviting them to scans was very sweet of you but a bit too trusting and naive in my opinion. Scans again can be vulnerable. They aren't always happy/good news and a scan with him or his parents there when they're all flip flipping about whether the child is his and whether they'll be in contact or not seems like a bit of an emotional risk when the scan might not be all celebration. I'm guessing your scans went well but just another aspect to bear in mind regarding inviting these people into your most vulnerable moments.

You sound great btw. You don't have to decide right now about maintenance. Just focus on you and the baby and block out their noise for now.

OP will not be able to put him on the birth certificate without him there even if she wanted to - this can only happen if he attends the appointment at the registry office. (Unless they are married which I don’t get the impression they are)

OP, have someone at the birth who will be the best support to you. It’s not so much about being there for the baby, it’s about having someone who will help you get through it. He doesn’t sound like the guy for that. Have you got a good friend or family member?

Block him, ignore him. Let him sort the DNA test if he wants to be involved. You are planning to do it all alone without even asking for maintenance.

He is an arse. Please stop bending over backwards to be nice to him. Being a doormat and letting people like this walk all over you is not good for you or your kids

Absolutely not at the birth. It's not a spectator sport for him and he'll almost certainly see things you would only want a mature, trusted and loving partner to see and possibly not even then. It's not about him.

The child is the focus but i personally would not block the family if they reach and and are non toxic. Your child deserves to understand their roots even if their dad is an ass. Don’t have him there at the birth you need people you trust