Husband just walked in after stag weekend

[oxfordpower]

He left Friday lunchtime for a weekend around 3 hrs away. Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc. We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back, and we realised he’d need to book a minicab to the train station as the stag do was in the middle of the countryside. I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one , so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

He asked how I was and I said cross. He is now refusing to speak as he said I’ve misunderstood his text messages but when I ask for clarity he says I’m not speaking now as I’m too cross to explain.

He’s now playing Xbox with DC who are allowed 2hrs on a Sunday afternoon. So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back.

He’s in a stag do. He’s isn’t coming home to look after the kids. In future you write off the weekend . Why can’t you just look after the kids for a weekend?

Don't asked me, I'm totaly confused as to what OP's issue is.
She was apparently quite happy him going on this stag do so I'm failing to see what the pomt of her post is.

OP this specific weekend - you sound quite unreasonable! I’d be pretty pissed off if DH insisted I miss brunch on a girls weekend just to get home earlier (with no specific reason).

However it sounds like this is a more serious overall issue with your relationship, your DH getting a lot more free time than you, not coping with the kids when he does have them, and you feeling exhausted and resentful. Plus he said he’d come home early and he didn’t.

I think if you’d led with that you’d have much more sympathy, because the brunch is kind of the straw that broke the camels back rather than an actual issue in itself!

Hope you let your DH know how under appreciated you feel and how he needs to step up!

Hi Op,

I sympathise with this , it’s not him going away it’s him having a rest on the sofa when you’ve been working so hard all weekend. I suspect if you had been away you would have expected to pick up tasks straight away like cooking dinner. He’s out of order for not pulling his weight when he’s back home,

You definitely need a break, I can see that. However demanding he leaves early from a mate's stag do (hopefully once in a lifetime event) to give you an extra , what, 3 hrs relief from single handedly looking after the dc. What was honestly the point in doing that? The nice time he'd have with his mates far outweighs the extra few hours for you.
YABU, I'd apologise i were you otherwise you'll end up point scoring against each other and destroying your relationship.

You say he is often away overnight or a few nights, is this because of work or socialising because this makes a difference to some extent.

If you rarely get a break is that because he won't look after them after that one weekend when he did?

In which case why is she happy for him to go off on stag dos?
She can't have it both ways.

Is this an infrequent occasion? And are you able to do the same without any hassle? If so, then you’re being unreasonable. If he was doing it every weekend then that’s a different matter, but it is not unreasonable for people with children to enjoy a weekend away every now and again without being expected to return home early (special occasions notwithstanding).

Oh shit, sorry OP 😂

But that does sound like a very chilled weekend. Why did you find it so difficult?

Well you did some fun stuff with the kids so that's good. I think the best thing now is you book a weekend away rather than winding yourself up about this weekend.

That’s what I was thinking. McDonald’s for dinner one night, then pizza in front of the TV the second night. Like… what is the problem?

Nothing wrong at all with take out food and freezer food when needed but I’ve never had a junk food weekend and said, “wow, that was hard work, I need someone to take the kids on Sunday.” And it was literally just a trip out swimming and a walk in a park. It’s totally normal, every weekend activities. I honestly don’t get it.

That’s my take as well.

@oxfordpower - the odd weekend away is not the issue. The problem is the fact that you cannot rely on him to do a minimum of actual parenting when you’re not around.

I think when he is away you need to just drop all the activities and just enjoy your weekend with your children. That’s what he would do if he had them for the weekend.

Just say to him when he’s calmed down ”I’m sorry for having a go at you. I think I am feeling irritated because I try and keep everywhere tidy and the kids routine the same when you’re away, but when I went away it wasn’t. It makes me feel like I can’t take a weekend break for myself without it impacting the kids. I actually don’t mind us going away separately, but maybe we should try and take turns so it’s fair. Please can you help me by keeping the kids routine sort of similar, some healthy food and a bit more order in the house and some fun activities the next time I go away. Then I promise when it’s your turn again I won’t have any built up negative emotions that come out in silly ways again.”

So the problem is that he is never alone with the kids and once he is, he complains and causes more work for you when you get back hone.

Sounds like he needs to be alone with the kids more and if they color on the walls while he is in charge, he needs to repaint. The solution is not for him to do less.

I do hope you're away next weekend from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon. There are probably some munsnetters that would offer you their spare room!!!

Dont forget there are a lot of men and women who will defend them at all costs.

You had a deal and he ignored it.

When do you get your weekend to yourself?

YANBU he regularly goes on weekend aways so isn't hard done to. You both agreed he would come home straight away in the morning. He has once looked after the children and found it very difficult. Yet he let you know mid morning that he'd changed the plan and wasn't planning on coming home until the afternoon. He's unreasonable.

This. People seem to actively resent spending time with their children -the children they presumably wanted. It’s a few hours or a few days in this case, on your own with your own children. You aren’t being tortured.

The root issue is that you had (and continued to have more) children with an incompetent man who doesn’t want to parent his own children.

Stop letting him think it’s an option and taking on all the childcare and never having time for yourself and start putting your foot down.

Go out on weekends. Doesn’t matter if it’s with friends or for a coffee and shopping on your own.

Dont moan you never get a break because you’re the only one who’s stopping yourself.

As is so often the case, I suspect this is the straw that broke the camel's back. And perhaps the most annoying part is that he SAID he'd be back early.... and he reneged on that, not that he was away or on a stag do or whatever.

Does he get out of family life in other ways too? I bet you do all the mental load, organising, school runs, meal planning, bed time etc?

Why didn’t you let him stay for the whole thing? Why is it point scoring? Make sure you have a weekend away too - job done.

Absolutely this! I used to enjoy some special time, just me and the children to do treats and have a bit of a change when my dh was away.

Oh FFs. It’s a stag do.

You had to parent alone for 1 weekend.

unless you’re going to drip feed some reason you absolutely cannot then you are being ridiculous and controlling.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable - you both agreed he’d come home early, and now he gets arguably the easiest part of parenting of the whole weekend, without actually mentioning to you that plans had changed.

That said, I think you need a frank chat - and to book yourself some time away, with the expectation that when you get home it’s tidy, the kids are fed, watered and exercised. If he can’t do that, then he should be curtailing his weekends away whilst he spends time learning to parent.