Husband just walked in after stag weekend

[oxfordpower]

He left Friday lunchtime for a weekend around 3 hrs away. Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc. We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back, and we realised he’d need to book a minicab to the train station as the stag do was in the middle of the countryside. I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one , so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

He asked how I was and I said cross. He is now refusing to speak as he said I’ve misunderstood his text messages but when I ask for clarity he says I’m not speaking now as I’m too cross to explain.

He’s now playing Xbox with DC who are allowed 2hrs on a Sunday afternoon. So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back.

There definitely needs to be a discussion with your DH about the workload here.

I get it, my husband works away a lot and no other support locally so I am exhausted. That’s why when DH does go away for something like this I make sure to clock my time off before he goes - I get him to do bedtime and clearing up for a few nights on his own to give me a few evenings to just chill and do what I want so I’m rested and recharged before he goes (he’d be totally ok with me going away for a weekend when I wanted, but not really an option for me right now for various reasons and not what I’d want anyway).

I think it’s unreasonable to be cross he went for brunch if this is a sporadic thing, but I also think it’s unreasonable of him if he’s not giving you any downtime either. You’re a team and should be supporting each other - that includes both allowing each other a bit of a break.

OP, I agree it’s irritating that he said he'd come home early and didn’t, but when he said he was going for brunch, why didn’t you just say, fine, I’ll see you later? He was going to be late home anyway at the point when he hadn’t left early - would an extra couple of hours really have made that much difference? I’m sorry but I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. He should be allowed a weekend, so long as you, too get the occasional weekend away with your girl friends.

I’d be pretty pissed off if I planned a weekend away and Dh told me to get up at 9am and get in a cab because he didn’t want to parent his own children anymore.

OP, I’ve got bloody advanced metastatic cancer. Dh still has weekends away with friends and work colleagues (as do I). I’m exhausted and in pain, but we have to enjoy life. I can cope with my kids for a weekend. If they’re old enough to play Xbox, they’re old enough for you to whack em in front of any screen for a few hours if you need a break.

You sound controlling OP. Why did he have to miss brunch with his friends? Did you decide he’d had enough fun by that point 🤨

He needs many weekends to parent and figure out how to do better. Tell him how upsetting it was when he trashed the house and didn't provide nutritious food to his kids. How it was a real 'fuck you' aimed at you.

Book yourself some trips. You didn't need to get your kids doing all that stuff, a party or a walk is fine.

Get a grip!

You should go away more often, he obviously needs more practice looking after his own children.

If you honestly were ok with him.going off on a stag do leaving you to look after his children then yes I am missing the point of why you are complaining.

You gave him carte blanche to behave as a single man with no responsibilities and he took you at your word. He knows that's how he is allowed to behave and he is continuing to behave like that. You gave him the green light to do this so what is your point?

He’s a better man than me. If I’d been at a hen party weekend I’d definitely have stayed for the brunch.

We don’t have any wider help or grandparent support and DH is very often away overnight or for a few nights so I rarely get a break

That's the crux of it, you don't get a break, he does, so on top of the usual nights away he gets a stag do as well and your resentment goes through the roof.

I was going to say YABU for cutting his weekend short, and yes feeling rushed to get your arse back home isn't the ideal end to a weekend away, so on this occasion you are I'm afraid.

But.... you do need more regular breaks and he needs more time doing solo childcare. He can't just go "fucking hell that was really tough" on the one occasion he did it, and think that means he shan't be doing that again.

Oh hang on I just remembered the youngst is 5. Well they're at school during the week, then. So what is it you're moaning about? I can't really see the issue tbh.

So you took them swimming after school then to eat fast food so didn’t cook.

Walked with them and went to the park… then watched films and TV and ate another meal you didn’t really cook.

Then took them to a party and baked.

Yeah… sounds really exhausting.

Just start a new thread op for those who can’t read on this one’

‘my husband goes away all the time for weekends leaving me alone with the dc. I can’t go away because he is unable to handle them on his own. Aibu to say I’m fed up.’

So why is that so challenging? None of it sounds particularly hard or requiring an early return for back up.

I think the time to express your frustration was before he even went, not at the end where it now looks like you're pissy because he got back at 11 instead of 9 or whatever because it takes the focus off you being default parent.

Get yourself something booked, even if it's to go visit random family or something.

@oxfordpower
The issue is that you’ve married a total loser who can’t parent his own kids, and instead of forcing him to figure it out by leaving him to it, you’ve just done all the work and now you resent him and neither of you can have a normal life.

It is totally normal to have the odd weekend away, and not rush back because the other parent can’t handle it. But you won’t take a weekend so you feel angry at giving him one, and the reason you won’t take one is because you don’t trust him to look after the kids properly. This needs addressed. You need a proper sit down talk were you lay out exactly why you are angry; because you feel like you cannot get the same time away that he does because you can’t trust him. Use the last time as your example; kids fed nothing but junk, house a mess and all chores left for you to sort, whereas when he comes home, every tiny is ticking along as normal. You need to lay it out for him, make expectations clear and explain that you will be going away and you expect him to provide the same level of care and allow you to return to a clean home with well fed kids just like he can.

It won’t fix itself and you need to actually communicate with your husband.

A lot of you should be ashamed of yourselves for these comments honestly. OP is clearly just looking for some support and you can’t know the ins and outs of her relationship just from her post. She was just looking for advice for a specific situation but most of you have decided to use that to mock her and comment some pretty nasty things.

OP it sounds like this situation is more of a bigger picture thing. From what you said in your updates it’s probably just a lot of little things adding up that leave you feeling drained and unsupported. I would let it settle for now and, when it’s a calm time for you both, have a talk with your partner about how you’ve been feeling in general (I wouldn’t go into specifics about the stag arrangements as it won’t get to the root of the issue).

These talks are not always easy and can quickly become a blame game so remember to use ‘I’ statements and talk about what you need rather than what he’s not doing. Also writing it out beforehand and reading it back to yourself can really help get it clear in your head.

hope that helps x

"leaving you to look after his children"? These are not OP's step children. They are hers too.

Bloody hell, what is wrong with parents today? Why bother having children if having to look after then causes such resentment.

So he had to be the one to say I can't stay for brunch because my wife wants me home . Not to do anything in particular but you resent him being away . Imagine if he said that to you on a hen weekend.

This is key for me. And then he gets back after a presumably nice weekend to an atmosphere and an angry spouse. It's not exactly nice to come home to.

I get that you need a break. It doesn't sound like it's DH not letting you have one. Book yourself a weekend away with friends, I have a girls' trip every year with my mates now the children aren't babies anymore. I would be almightily pissed off with DH if he acted like you did on my arrival home.

I feel like this story keeps changing.

First OP had a really challenging weekend full of self imposed activities and objected when DH came home and entertained DC is a way she didn't approve of.

Then he's throughly uskess all along, although that was never mentioned dinner OP.

Then it was all necessary becuase it's the only way yo occupy kids and it's essential to feed them vegetables.

Then it wasn't that bad afterall and her own weekend included lots of downtime and junk food.

YABU if I was away for the weekend with my friends and my DH wanted me to set off first thing Sunday morning he would be told to piss off. Sounds like you are unhappy with your marriage.

One of those drip feedy threads.
YABU for that alone.

i don’t think the weekend was overkill. It went like this:
Friday- school pick up 3pm
swimming
macdonalds
Saturday - play date in the park
followed by nature walk
home for toys play / cartoons all afternoon
movie night with pizza
Sunday morning party
baking

Apart from the junk food and cartoons all afternoon, that doesn't sound too bad. At least he took them out for a bit. Baking was probably what caused the carnage, he should have cleared up afterwards though.

Behave as a single man with no responsibilities. Are you for real? He went on a stag weekend FFS! And a pretty low key one it would seem.

We are all allowed to have some time off from parenting to have some fun. Why does it mean that he behaved like a single man with no responsibilities if he wanted to stay and have brunch instead of coming straight back?

If one parent can't take care of their own children for a couple of nights while the other goes and does something with friends it doesn't mean they are irresponsible or behaving badly.

IMO he should have had the whole weekend and gone home after brunch and made the most of the weekend instead of feeling he had to rush back.

The real issue here is that the OP doesn't seem to get the same opportunity to have weekend breaks that he does.

This was how OP spent the weekend with her children, not what OP’s husband did when she went away.