Husband just walked in after stag weekend

[oxfordpower]

He left Friday lunchtime for a weekend around 3 hrs away. Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc. We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back, and we realised he’d need to book a minicab to the train station as the stag do was in the middle of the countryside. I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one , so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

He asked how I was and I said cross. He is now refusing to speak as he said I’ve misunderstood his text messages but when I ask for clarity he says I’m not speaking now as I’m too cross to explain.

He’s now playing Xbox with DC who are allowed 2hrs on a Sunday afternoon. So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back.

I think you’re both BU. He should have communicated to you that he would like to stay the whole weekend. It could be that he came home early off his own back rather than piddling around not booking a taxi to the station which riled you. If that had been made clear and agreed between the two of you first, both of you might feel less aggrieved. I absolutely take your point that when you’ve gone away for 48 hours the house work is still waiting for you on your return and that would really get my goat. You need to be taking weekends away too from now on and setting clear expectations for what you do and don’t want to have to do when you get home. If you don’t do that, then yes you can come across as a martyr and he will react accordingly (as he has done this time, wasting time getting back and now clearly pissed off with you. Communication is so important and setting clear boundaries. That way everyone is clear.
Both BU but you can salvage it.

Most people would count getting up, going for breakfast and then getting the train or in the car as generally coming straight back. Was he supposed to set a 7am alarm while away?

The difference here is they do have kids, he regularly gets time to herself but finds it too difficult to look after those kids by himself, and he agreed to leave early then changed his mind without communicating that. Your post is comparing apples and oranges.

I never have any problems with my DP going out on nights out (although I would say he’s much less obliging at actually returning that favour), but if he told me he’d be back by x, then decided to change that without communicating it, I’d be irritated. Not because I can’t handle my children alone, but it’s just a lack of respect to unilaterally change plans without even considering the other person

You looked after your dc for the weekend….

To be fair I think your justified in being cross due to the late arrival home although your post comes across as if you resent the effort you put into your children over this agreed weekend away. Is this not what good parents do🤔

I sympathise. You’re totally valid in wanting him to stick to the agreed plan. Especially when all the other men with kids left first thing. You’ve had a tiring weekend, were looking forward to a break Sunday morning and it didn’t happen. When you have no outside support those things matter.
There’s nothing you can sadly do about it now except book yourself into a spa hotel for a night and leave first thing Sat am and get back late Sunday guilt free!

Sounds like you resent him for way more reasons than solely this weekend

YABVU and your weekend hardly sounds strenuous! It’s not that hard looking after kids Jesus Chris 😂 I’d be furious if my OH made me come home early from a hen party!

This is a genuine question and I really don’t mean to sound snarky/arsey… but what is it about your school age kids that make them such hard work? By that age I found weekends/holidays etc with mine pleasurable, I used to take them away on my own for a week in the summer for example. I know all kids are different obviously, but is there anything you can (both) work on behaviour wise to make it easier for everyone?

Hi OP,

I understand why you were annoyed as it's not what you had agreed. However I do agree with some of the posters that you should probably let it slide if it's a once in a while event.

We've 4 children ages 2-12 and if my husband goes away for a weekend (which isn't often) I wouldn't expect him to be home that early from a stag etc and would probably agree a later time as otherwise this is likely to happen. Get a break for yourself booked in 🌷

Ask yourself would you have come back early from a hen w/e under similar circumstances? i wouldn't have and I wouldn't have expected my husband to either. It's a one off w/e and YABU.

Poor guy

How come you’ve only been away once since DC a
was born and he is regularly away on various nights away? Don’t be a martyr OP, book yourself a weekend away and let him get used to looking after his own kids!

Very unreasonable to feed the kids Maccie Ds, OP. Srsly?

DH is very often away overnight or for a few nights so I rarely get a break. I’ve only had one weekend away since the DC were born and he was floored by it

When I read your OP, it seemed so unreasonable that I thought there'd be more to come. Here it is! DH gets to check out of family life 'often' - several times a year, a month? And you don't.

I totally hear that he had difficulty with one weekend of full-time parenting, yet thinks you should do it regularly. Can see why this pisses you off. I imagine you've been building frustration over this, so felt really let down that he chose a lie-in when he'd promised to be back in time to help with the kids' stuff.

Book more time away. By yourself if necessary - an amble round some shops, a book or film of your choice and a leisurely dinner would be a bit of a luxury. Explain to him why you're doing this - and do it. Even if it doesn't result in more equitable sharing of the parent duties, it'll give you a much-needed refresh.

Unless he’s out most weekends you are being totally unreasonable and quite selfish

I worked in many of the bars and clubs in Glasgow for years, so I'm not remotely naive about what goes on at those types of stag weekends.

I actually do agree with your wider point. However, you need to acknowledge that there are different types of stag weekends. The Op stated that this one was away out in the countryside, so clearly not the grim type you refer to.

My ex-H's stag weekend involved him and three pals going away trout fishing in the Borders, staying in a camping barn. For all his faults (and there were a few), the chances of any womanising or debauchery going on were next to nil.

She doesn't get ANY time to herself.

Why? It’s food, not crack cocaine.

Jesus live a little he’s done nothing wrong 😑

Generally, I think parents should be able to get roughly equal time away with pals. He was home what, a couple of hours, before he would have been if he'd just gone for brunch. It seems somewhat churlish to say 'be home at 15:00', rather than 'head home for dinnertime.' I know that you feel like you're hard done by here, and I get he didn't stick to the arrangement, but it's only a couple of hours.
Obviously, if this is regular, and he behaves like this often, that's a different case. I'd say it's time for some frank discussions, and booking time for each of you to do things with friends/have alone time/do nothing at all! I'd say that you probably should be ensuring both of you can find a way to do this, and that an easy weekend could be planned for the one solo parenting.

I don’t mean this unkindly OP but that sounds a pretty standard weekend (with a fair amount of junk/easy food !) and unless you have 4+ kids or kids with SEN I would expect myself and DH to manage that with no issues. I agree with you and pp that you deserve some time away, if you have say 3 kids and the last time you tried a break they were 1, 3 and 5 I’d try again! But try not to ruin what should have been a nice weekend for him with friends. I’d be furious with a friends partner if she came on a hen with us and had a mardy husband annoyed she hadn’t rushed home as soon as possible for him.

I’m not sure I understand why this is such a big deal. Is he away a lot? Does he do his fair share? I presume he is and he doesn’t in which case I understand your frustration… if he is present, hands on and doesn’t go away a lot I think you need to give him a break.

If it’s a one off thing, I would have expected him to be away for the whole weekend. Maybe arrange something with your friends for a few weekends time?

I think you are being a bit controlling.

Poor guy! You’ve had a nice weekend with your kids let him have his friends stag do in peace.