Husband just walked in after stag weekend

[oxfordpower]

He left Friday lunchtime for a weekend around 3 hrs away. Young DC whom I’ve looked after all weekend doing swimming, play dates, party, nature walk, baking etc. We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back, and we realised he’d need to book a minicab to the train station as the stag do was in the middle of the countryside. I kept asking if he had booked the mini cab and he hadn’t but said he was aware.

Then this morning at 9 he texts he’s going for a shower and that he’s going for brunch at 11. I was like WTAF?! To brunch!

He said he couldn’t find any local cab companies able to come out earlier. I sent him some links and eventually he found one , so got picked up at 11 (skipped the brunch I presume) and finally arrived back home just now.

He asked how I was and I said cross. He is now refusing to speak as he said I’ve misunderstood his text messages but when I ask for clarity he says I’m not speaking now as I’m too cross to explain.

He’s now playing Xbox with DC who are allowed 2hrs on a Sunday afternoon. So I’ve done all the ferrying and hands on activities with them he gets to come home and chill out on the sofa playing Xbox and DC think fun Dad is back.

YABU

I get it, OP. It sounds really hard and you had an agreement and it sounds like he never really had any intention to keep it. I’m guessing he’s not got his hand up volunteering for you to be away for a weekend anytime soon.

To be fair though, that's ok isn't it? For the odd weekend? For the house to be a mess, to have an unhealthy dinner? Have some extra screen time? It's hard done it alone so make it easier? So many people seem to think that if the house isn't clean and we haven't eaten vegetables and opens the curtains they're failing at life. Sometimes it's ok to not do all the adulty things!
Seems like you don't want him away the whole weekend as it's hard looking after 2 two kids.
But then moan that he said the same thing.
Unless he's categorically saying he won't have the kids so you can have a couple of days away with you're friends. YABU.
If he is saying that but still going away himself. Even just the once, he is.

For heavens sake. He’s allowed to have some fun.
Why are you angry?
Personally I think he should have gone for brunch and enjoyed himself with your blessing.

YANBU to be fed up with him but this really isnt about the stag do. I bet if he pulled his weight day to day you wouldn't be half as pissed off now.

Spending some time with friends doing an activity of their choosing. Stag dos my DH have been on have included go-karting, dodge ball, 12 blokes sitting round a camp fire drinking beer in a field in middle of nowhere, running with bulls in Madrid (I wasn’t keen on that one 😏), surfing lessons in Cornwall…

Agreed - I'm glad my husband doesn't do this either.

OP - YANBU.

Agreed - I'm glad my husband doesn't do this either.

OP - YANBU.

To be fair, OP hasn't really said anything about him not pulling his weight. Unless I've missed a post somewhere?

I don't understand what he did wrong. I don't get it. Why are you stressing? He went on a stag do and you did weekend kid stuff. Isn't a relationship give and take?

Many women have an incredibly low bar, being able to occasionally socialise without your children is not a metric though.
Never being able to prioritise yourself above your partner and your children ever is actually quite sad.

Having a social life outside of your spouse and your children is beneficial for men and women.

If he's on a weekend away you should have let him have the whole weekend rather than insisting he come back early and skip brunch.

Sounds like you had a fairly low key weekend with a couple of school age kids to be honest?

I do think you need a break though, life is getting on top of you. Can you book yourself a weekend away somewhere?

Sounds like you over parenting and he under parenting in general and are exhausted by the mental and actual load. I'd would also be annoyed but it seems bigger than this weekend and maybe you need to look at that. Can you do some 80s mom kind of parenting or dadding to give yourself a break as well? Your weekend sounds busy and great but also like a tonne of work. Sounds like no one is making sure you get breaks so you need to start doing that for yourself. Good luck OP. These parenting trenches are impossible these days.

The stag do isn’t the issue. He sounds like a crap dad all round. My DH can be annoying but I’d like to think he could cope and bring up the kids halfway decently if I dropped down dead tomorrow. How can he simply not cope for a weekend?! Or at least make out he can’t cope, so you’ll never go away again… I’d book myself a weekend away next weekend and he can practice being a dad. He clearly needs it.

Agree. If he works the same hours as you, but expects you to do all the housework and childcare while he acts like an 18 year old all weekend, then it's a problem. If it's a one-off, fair enough. Kind of expecting lots of posts about how today's extravagant hen/stags are much more problematic than the old one night at the local.

I don’t get the issue. Were you seriously expecting him to go to a stag weekend this bound of out bed first thing Sunday morning to rush home?

If he did that to you, he’d be called a controlling husband and a lazy parent on here.

I'm glad my DH has friends (and I'm glad I do l, and that he doesn't ring me at 9am when I'm away with them and order me to come home!)

I rarely, if ever, support husbands on these threads. In this case however YABU.

There's a bigger issue which is possibly that you are incredibly structured, organised and utterly dedicated in your approach to parenting. Your husband isn't the same and doesn't do it to the standard you do. That can cause resentment, frustration and then an infantalisation of men who then never have to do much because the wife decides they're incapable.

You don't get breaks away like this. I have a strong feeling you set yourself up not to. You won't do it because you don't want to possibly, it doesn't come up as an option maybe. So there's resentment because he gets a lot more time off to himself. Even with work it's less stress than lparenting alone so he does get more time off in effect than you.

The problem here is that imbalance generally.

The stag wknd - that feels so controlling and id feel pissed off having those demands on me. If it's only because he has had so much time away then maybe. But other things you say sound like someone wanting to control things ATM.

A few things you've said about the 2 hour game time rule, the junk food and screen time when with husband that wknd. OP, this feels so rigid to the point of making me feel you are incredibly controlling and lacking some care free mentality. It feels suffocating even reading this.

Sometimes, you can say, fuck it, who cares if they spend a whole day staring at the TV eating crap. Sometimes, maybe this 2 hour rule can be relaxed. It's ok to have a set day where these rules are not there. It sounds miserable as hell.

I have an Autistic/ ADHD son. I understand re the whole dysregulation thing but look how much you do with them that's positive and nurturing. This won't kill them.

It's time to find ways to chill out, however you achieve that. He won't kill them. Who cares if he feeds them shit and they watch TV. Some of my most treasured childhood memories were doing this. Let him do more child care and do something you really want to do. And don't dictate every waking secomd of what they do.

He doesn’t sound like the kind of guy that’s thrilled to return the favour though, does he? To his wife managing the rest of the time, including his regular overnight work absences. Or are we just focused on how mean a wife she is to the poor man?

You are not being unreasonable, OP. He has acted selfishly, ungratefully and with entitlement, and has now added immaturity to that list by giving you the moody silent treatment. In short, he’s been a dick. You deserve better, and I hope he picks up his act. Sending love and kindness X

I’d be really annoyed if I went on a hen weekend and my DH was trying to dictate to me what time I had to leave and then interfering by sending me numbers to taxi firms.

That said, I hear you about the imbalance of time out and that is what needs addressing . You need to have a calm talk about carving out more time for you and then you won’t feel so angry/resentful/exhausted when he does it.

DH can be away for short periods of time for work but he will always just take over if I want/need some time out to do my own thing. If I was taking on the brunt so he could be away for leisure time for weekends etc I’d expect ewual time for me to do my own thing.

It is deeply unfair for OP to spend so much time solo parenting. If thats the deal then he has to turn up when he said he would. Honestly Op you should be able to get equal time away and not come back to an utter shithole that you then have to sort out when you come back.

It’s not just that Op doesn’t get a break, the one time she did he managed to basically leave her a mess. This is teaching OP that she can’t go away and leave him with the kid. When you look at this in context he is extemporaneous unreasonable.

Your husband is utterly thoughtless.

From the op’s updates it sounds like he does go for weekends away, whereas she’s managed one in at least 5 years which she hasn’t done since because he found it too hard.

Op the weekend you describe is a typical kiddy weekend, it’s hard but fun too. Your op wasn’t too long and it wasn’t really a drip feed, when kids are young everything feels like the other person is unfair leaving for a second but ye will grow to hate each other quickly if that continues. Organise something! Him saying he found the weekend he had the kids is exactly what you said to us about your weekend when you think of it! Even go to your parents house for a night away and said they asked you or whatever. Or go ti a hotel. Just get a break so you can relax!!

This is the point of her post

We agreed husband would get up on Sunday and come straight back

There was no issue about him going away, just to be back on Sunday morning