Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

I don’t think that’s normal at all at his age. Both of our mums have given ad hoc gifts throughout our lives but we’ve never asked for it. They will often pay for dinner when we go out but we pay for it too. It probably works out about 50/50.

I still pay my kids phone bills and they are in their thirties. 😅
We also still give them an ‘allowance’ every month. We’ve payed for lots of things for them. We do it because we can and because it’s tax efficient. They all have well paid jobs and are hard working and responsible. There is nothing about any of them that is the least bit entitled or greedy. They’ve never needed our help but having extra money makes life easier and more fun.
If you met them you wouldn’t have any idea that they in the financial position that they are in.

They all had partime jobs as teens and they still get a kick when they get a payrise or a good bonus or whatever. Even if they get help it doesn’t mean that they don’t get value from earning their own money.

I'm finding a lot more people saying that their parents are paying for holidays or giving them "very generous" (between £1000 and £5000) presents for Christmas or birthdays. Which is somewhere between the very specific lump sum and everyday payments scenario.

@saltandvinegarpringles My parents would help me out if I was in need. But I was raised to support myself. If I can't afford it, I don't have it. Ive never been in debt or taken out a loan. I am 45 and not my parent's responsibility.
I suppose we are all different.

I get it as young adults, but he's a ft working mature man.

Is there really a difference though between someone getting 100k at 25 vs £200 a month at 50?

Why not give it to your family though instead of keeping it in an account. Life is different financially now . It's much harder and COL is crazy . Indirectly your DCs are benefitting too . It's just different upbringings , are you resentful? No point as life can be unbalanced. Unless he has ended up a spoilt useless rich kid having to graft has no virtue at all. It is just a means to an end . Good on you for achieving despite not having any favours but don't begrudge others who just ended up with more financial help.

@waterbobble I think there is. Most people are likely to be earning far less at 25 than 50?

mine were also raised to support themselves. and they do. they dont have any loans or debts.
The difference is they have parents who help them, and not just when they are stuck.
they have generous parents, you dont.
I suppose we are all different,

I’m gobsmacked by this thread. I assumed about 5-10% of people got financially help in the form of regular payments from their parents. It seems more like 50%! And that is not including one-off large payments like weddings and deposits!

I think this getting to the heart of the matter now.

I do agree with @Doteycat’s assessment of the matter.

Self sufficiency often means no one helped you when you needed it. At 50 your husband really should not need it now but yet he’s still getting it and that’s got to hurt.

Your parents did the right thing to raise you to ‘earn your living’ (a concept that used to be talked about often and seemed to matter, but I feel has been lost in recent years) and you certainly do earn your living.

But it sounds like you did it without a safety net, whereas your husband still has his at 50 and seems to be settling his bum nicely into it.

Yes this would bother me. Ask him to put the parental money into savings for your daughter and cut his cloth accordingly. That might mean doing more work to earn more money himself.

I often help my son out with unexpected big bills
so he had to get his car serviced and a Mot
came to approx 800 quid so I paid for that
Last year I paid 2k to have a log burner installed
I’ve bought them garden furniture of around 1k
I've paid for dental treatment for my son and I often give him a few hundred quid if they are going away or on holiday

I think it’s normal in families who can afford it. My parents and a few of my friends parents give them money- usually a few thousand every year or two. If I can help my child when I’m older I will- as long as they’re also helping themselves though.

Nobody’s saying it’s their parents’ responsibility to support them as adults, though, just that it’s a nice thing to be able to do and most people want to help their kids and make their leaves easier if possible.

I personally find it really sad that your parents couldn’t or wouldn’t help you out occasionally unless you were in dire need.

@DelphiSwimsLate This is very much how I feel. They also give separate money on a trust fund for our daughter which I have no problem with at all and think is incredibly generous.
I do think he relies too heavily on his parents for things he should be paying for himself.

Of course I realise this, I’m just saying in terms of my parents they will not be leaving the state to pick up any bills for care.

And that’s great but not representative of the majority.

My parents stance is that they have worked bloody hard all their life. They came from nothing. I can remember as a kid my mum doing a 9-5 job and then an evening job as well. Some of their wealth - and they are not mega rich - has come from property price increases but certainly not all. They have never claimed benefits and have paid into the system for years. So yes at this stage in their life they would rather see family benefit. I will feel the same for my kids when the time comes.

Again this isn’t unique in any way, my parents are immigrants who had nothing. And as you admit property gains are responsible for some of it so not all taxed income…

As I said we either have a safety net or don’t, my parents believe it - likely because they were immigrants & that didn’t exist in their country. I feel the same.

You’re starting to sound resentful and jealous that his parents provide a level of support that yours don’t.

@saltandvinegarpringles It ultimately has done him no favours, though. He is 50 and in ft work so why is he reliant upon them paying for his car and electric? To buy food? That's the part I think is wrong.

I wouldn’t assume it’s reflective of much. If the OP had said she was feeling down because all her friends had financial help from parents etc the responses would be that she is entitled & the majority would say they achieved with hard work & no help 🤷🏻‍♀️

There is another thread on here at the moment, with a mum massively regretting having overly supported her 3 children, because her son is taking the absolute piss, having wasted the best part of 50K in 2 years on travel and throwing away his excellent education.

When I had DC I didn't want them to grow up and be dependent on me for life. Not because I would begrudge them the money, but because I want them to be fully functioning, independent adults. Gifts etc are different. But paying everyday bills for a 50 year old is... weird?

Is he actually reliant on them though or do they just give him the money?

My heart goes out to you. It really hard watching people ‘have it easier’ from a distance, but when it’s your husband? Yes that would make me a bit resentful too. And a bit annoyed that he himself isn’t proud enough to be embarrassed.

A pp asked if it affects how you feel about him. If it does, maybe talk to him about that? He may reveal other things about himself/how he thinks that restores your faith in him a bit?

Gifts etc are different. But paying everyday bills for a 50 year old is... weird?

But what is the difference between a 4k gift at Christmas or for a holiday vs a monthly amount for everyday things?

For the ppl whose parents paid their holidays, do you mean holidays WITH them? Curious.

It sounds like the OPs husband has been essentially disincentised from working up/working more due to the regular cash he's getting so perhaps in this case it's a problem.

@waterbobble They do both!!!

My parents often helped us out and now we help our adult children. They don’t expect it and if it makes their lives easier, all good. I glad we’re able to help .