Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

What is he doing with his spare £1200 each month? Do you get a spare £1200 each month?

@ThatsCute Don't be silly! Out of my income (minus the money he pays in) comes other bills. This month - £243 CT (due to go up), £181 water (quarterly but due this month), some of the food shops, things for the kids such as entertainment and clothes, TV License, utilities. Then of course there's my essentials on top - union fees, petrol (a lot of as I travel as part of my work), car insurance, basic phone contract. I don't have any subscriptions and I've cancelled my choir membership as that was £30 pm. No debts or loans.
Plus somehow I have to find £ for two new tyres which is going to be almost impossible as I've not been paid a full month of course.

So he's happy for his daughter to be driven around in a car with dangerously worn tyres?

Would you want your daughter to grow up to accept this from a partner? What is it doing to her to see her father get everything he wants while her mother scrimps and saves just to keep her head above water?

@user2255679541 I won't allow that as her mum. It passed its MOT but with advisories. I'd be happy to take myself out, but not my little girl! I will pay for the two new tyres.

The point being that you've made dozens of posts on this thread and had pages and pages of replies which has all added up to zero.

You. Are. Married. To. A. Man. Who. Doesn't. Give. A. Fuck. The problem is not his parents.

It's him. And it's you.

If you're for real, your 'self-sufficiency' is looking an awful lot like poor-me-martyr syndrome.

Good luck.

Well it’s to make your life easier to manage day to day I guess….we do a lot for my mum as a family…all her shopping….her gardening…her decorating….hospital appts….deep cleans….sort out her car stuff….and genrally anything that crops up….so my mum doesn’t need carers as such….but even before she got more frail she was still giving us all money

@user2255679541 Yup, blame me for his behaviour.

@Cat1504 We Iive 2 hrs away from my in-laws.

No. You misunderstand me. I'm blaming you for your behaviour.

@user2255679541 In what way?

I think PP means that you enable his behaviour ….and as such are a poor role model for your children…..that’s how I read it

@Cat1504 So tell me what to do then?

And?

@Cat1504 This was re the comment about MIL not needing carers because they are able to help her with the everyday things. Think it was you? So you must be local to your MIL to be able to support her in this way?

No I’m 100 miles away ….so about 1 hr 45…..it’s my DM not MIL ….one of her children visits every weekend for 3 nights…..( I usually go every 2 to 3 weeks)…..in school holidays my DD visits with her children….my 2 DS s visit once every month to 6 weeks…..she makes a list of jobs and we tick them off when we visits ….she is able to cook and do basic cleaning and washing….and pottering in garden……but we change the sheets and wash heavy stuff and do the heavy gardening and deep cleaning….she does a local shop but we take her to do a big shop and a home bargain shop….my DM has done loads for us over the years ….helped out with childcare and financially…..now it’s our turn to look out for her ….we don’t help out with any expectation….but she likes to ‘treat’ us all

@Cat1504 Ah thanks for explaining. My MIL isn't great unfortunately - she can't cook her own meals or use sharp knives now as it's just too dangerous with her vision; she is pretty much reliant on my FIL. Obviously she can't go out on her own at all either. It's a lot for my FIL, especially as he's not young himself. The thing that makes me really sad is she can't see our little girl's face 😢

If they didn’t pay for his car, petrol, insurance, MOT, etc. then he would have to pay out of his own finances. You’re both already on low incomes (as per your previous post), and that would mean that the money that he is reluctantly transferring into your account would be even less. Financially, you’d be worse off than you are now. Im not sure why you want to cut off your nose to spite your face.

Yes, he should have learned “financial responsibility” when he was younger. But he didn’t. Nor does he seem to very ambitious (again as per your previous post) or a kind and loving partner. That’s the man you’ve married, and at 50, the chances he’s going to have a major personality transplant, and change, is not going to happen. You should start planning now, and try to make an exit out of this relationship in the future.

Regarding the trust money — you’ve already said in a previous thread that (even if you could) you expect your children to be self-sufficient and wouldn’t help them out in such a way (and you look down on parents who do), so it’s nice that his parents are willing to do that for their granddaughter.

@GertiePye Leaving isn't an option. I really don't want to go into what happened following leaving my ex-husband but it was horrific. As in more horrific than you would ever believe and I don't really want to go into it as it is pretty disturbing. I would genuinely no longer be here than ever go through anything like that again; Over a decade on and I still suffer with significant C-PTSD following the turn of events which is hard to deal with at times (some days better than others) but I manage. Work helps for sure, as does my little girl.

Sorry, that sounds like it was hard.

Does this guy have any redeeming qualities (I can’t think of any really that would cancel out his selfishness), but do you get anything positive out of this relationship?

@GertiePye Thank you - it was devastating but counselling definitely helped some and it's something I've learned to "sit" with now. I try to see the funny side - like when the delivery man tripped over my doormat the other day because I literally jumped out of my skin and let out a bit of a yell when the doorbell went!! I really need one that flashes rather than makes a loud noise!
Asides from his attitude with money he is a good man; he is just so bloody blinkered and seems to struggle to know what a "normal" marriage should look like financially. He didn't meet me until he was almost 40 so I guess he has never really had to learn and is set in how it has always been (not making excuses for him). He loves our daughter and she adores him (very much a Daddy's Girl!) and he has shown a great depth of empathy surrounding events and trauma from my past.
I just wish, more than anything, we could sort this out.

I think you need to reframe; he is not paying YOU, he is paying his share of outgoing for bills and HIS home and HIS daughter (both yours but you get what I mean). You're doing childcare in the holidays which otherwise he'd have to pay half of and it would likely cost a lot more than what he's giving you now even if some could be covered by AL. I agree with the pp that it would be better to have a joint account for joint expenses that you both pay into. To my mind, if someone earns more they should pay more in if you're a family but I suppose others might disagree.

@dayslikethese1 I don't feel he is able to manage money effectively enough to have a joint account. Tbh he agrees with me. I've never been in debt in 45 years and don't intend to run that risk now 😀
When I say he pays me what I mean is he puts the money into my account when he gets paid and then the rent etc comes out of my account.

Income from husband: £2,400 a MONTH!!!! Not "wealthy by any stretch", erm.have a think..you probably are as that does not even include your wages.
Get over yourself and stop bragging

Oh and his parents are also "by no means well off". Exactly how much do you think most people live on?

@Grendel7 What are you on about?!!!
My husband is 50 and works ft - his income is £2400 pm. That's not a big wage whatsoever!!!!!