Parents giving you money

[BestBefore2000]

Just curious to know if they still do?
My husband and I feel very differently about this. I'm 45 now but have always been raised to be self-sufficent. I've worked all of my life from the age of 16 (mat leaves only not working), three kids, years of being a single parent. Not wealthy by any stretch, privately renting still as can't afford a suitable mortgage. I do extra hours on Sundays to cover things as my job is term-time only. No benefits except CB. My car is over a decade old now but still works just about!!
Husband is 50 and works ft - earns more than me (around £2,400 net pm). However, his parents still give him a credit card that he is permitted to use for electricity for his car (they bought him a new electric car), bits and pieces of shopping etc. He contributes financially to our young shared daughter only as I have always been happy that my older children (shared care) I take financial responsibility for, along with my ex-husband. Other examples - husband had a nail in tyre the other day and so paid the £150 for a replacement. They also pay for his private dental care and give him extra money so he can pay for family holidays.
This is all alien to me but is it "normal"? I feel given his age it is not, but happy to be proved otherwise.
Edited to add - his parents are by no means well off. They are both in their 80s so have paid off their mortgage (modest 3 bed).

I don't think you should feel bad @BestBefore2000, I certainly am not in a better position than you financially. The ONLY time my parents have helped me out as an adult was when my car died and I had to get another one (a banger). My mum loaned me some money, but I had to pay it back.

I didn't ever expect her to give me the money. And any suggestion of paying for the dentist for me, or for my petrol would have been unthinkable!

My parents won’t be leaving the state to pick up the tab for anything. They have funds available should they need to pay for care homes. Any money being given to me and DB is separate

Your parents aren’t everyone though, surely you know this?

What they object to is their IHT picking up the tab for others that happily let the state pick up the tab! And paying tax on already taxed income

You can say that about most things though? why save for a house or pension, the state will house me etc. We either have a safety net or we don’t.

And taxed income is a grey area, the vast majority of IHT is triggered because of house value and the majority didn’t earn it.

My parents will pay IHT.

And as long as they do, he's not really adulting. Does this affect how you feel about him?

Normal for us. My mum used to transfer her work monthly pension payments to me. She said she didn't need it.

The thing is, does he ask them for this money or do they offer? Could he manage without them or is he actually reliant on them/expecting them to help?The money he saves by not doing x,y,z does he save or squander it? Are his finances fully transparent?

I always assumed older adults were managing on their own, especially as I'm convinced most people of of our ages who both work own their own home and have more income than us!

I think more than 50% of FTBs have help. It’s very hard to compete with that based on salary alone particularly with wage stagnation.

I’m 46 husband 52 our parents like giving us money for things if we need it. My parents gave us house deposit and my mum will often bring me in shopping without asking or clothes every now and then. We both earn good money ourselves and don’t ask for help but if we needed it they always would. My parents say it’s their money to do with as they please and that it would be ours one day anyway the fact they get to see us enjoy it is a bonus to them. My in laws are equally as generous in other ways. My mum didn’t have money as we were growing up so treats were limited now they’re comfortable they do and give what they can and it’s always gratefully received. I don’t think they would give me a credit card though and I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking it. That said every now ans then my mum will screen shot me her card details and say to me to book myself a theatre trip or something.

I’m 37 and DH is 42 and we both get help from our parents - financially and practically. We don’t need it, but they offer/insist anyway.

I personally don’t understand families who don’t help each other out and support each other where possible - it all seems very cold to me 🤷‍♀️

Ah here, self sufficient? Big deal.
I spent my adult life self sufficient too, it was shite, its not a badge of honour. you are "self sufficient" because like me no one helped you. And thats the rub here isnt it, hes getting help and support and love in a way you didnt.

I give/gift my adult kids money, presents, amazon deliverys, holiday money, clothes, money for no reason money, concert tickets, flights, all the time. Cos i can. Cos I can afford it. Cos no one gave me a fecking brass farthing ever and i know how shit that is. And the joy it brings me? HUGE.
Wont be long now and ill be giving one a chunk towards her house deposit, she doesnt know it, but I do. What she does with that then is her own business. Shes a grown woman and well able to fund her life, well educated and has a v well paying job as does her husband, but Id give her my lungs if she needed them, so, money? Not a problem, have it. Make life easier and more comfortable while Im alive, its yours when im dead anyways.

Self sufficient, nope, just means no one helped. and thats shite.
and not your fellas fault at all.

From my experience lots of ppl (whose parents can afford it) get lump sums for big things like house deposits or a wedding. But regularly paying for day to day stuff more unusual unless they're all keeping it very quiet!

Of course I realise this, I’m just saying in terms of my parents they will not be leaving the state to pick up any bills for care.

My parents stance is that they have worked bloody hard all their life. They came from nothing. I can remember as a kid my mum doing a 9-5 job and then an evening job as well. Some of their wealth - and they are not mega rich - has come from property price increases but certainly not all. They have never claimed benefits and have paid into the system for years. So yes at this stage in their life they would rather see family benefit. I will feel the same for my kids when the time comes.

@Slightyamusedandsilly We.come from very two backgrounds in terms of family support. I was always raised to be self-sufficent and knew that ultimately I would decide what my life would look like from a fiancial pov. I went to a crap school with poor behaviour from lots of the other kids, but worked very hard to get decent exam results and a uni degree. I worked pt throughout GCSES, A-Levels and degree to pay for things like drinking £/nice clothes etc.
My husband had excellent schooling and is incredibly intelligent, but dropped out of uni and will himself admit he has never pushed himself.
I think his parents haven't helped him here.

Yes, tens of thousands of pounds, even though
I married "into money".
Before hate starts, Mother in another country is 83, I'm an "only child" at 46, she's very well off and doesn't want to pay too much tax/her wealth go to the state. Also, they were pretty shit parents and I think she came to realise that.

My parents are in a position to help but don't. I will probably inherit but will be in my 70s by then, if family history is anything to go by. It hurts that they could, but don't. It is certainly the norm amongst my peers that their parents help them out financially, and my DH is helped even though his parents are worse off than mine. We are adamant that we will help our DC out when they need it. I just cannot fathom why you wouldn't, if you could.

Why does having parental help and support mean you’re not “adulting” (which is an absolutely ridiculous phrase anyway).

@Doteycat Assuming your kids aren't 50? I get it as young adults, but he's a ft working mature man.

I think there’s a difference.

Is he dependent on them?

I had poor parents so wasn’t helped financially. However, DH’s parents always gave him and sibling money gifts. DFiL paid for a new boiler etc.

I taught my children to take money gifts with thanks, so although they are now adults, we have helped them when they moved home or had a baby and so on.

When one visits and mentions going to the cinema or getting a takeaway, we’ll give them £50 when they leave. It’s not that they need the money but we are fortunate enough to be able to afford it now and feel proud of being able to help out.

I agree with this. The small, day to day stuff he should be able to cover and not rely on his parents for.

Private dental care. I’m biased on this as I had to have four veneers fitted to my front teeth at a young age due to dental issues from childhood. It’s really expensive and only gets more expensive. I now have to upkeep it for the rest of my life and my parents do give me money towards it, as it always has to be private. If they couldn’t I’d simply have to use a payment plan or loan. But if I tell people this in real life, I’d probably get the same reaction as yours.

Petrol - my dad is great at helping with my car maintenance (it’s 16 yrs old!) and if it ever needs something doing he’ll take it to the garage (or fix himself) and he will return it with a full tank. I always appreciate it. But it’s not a regular thing.

So these occasional things I think are fine. But if he’s got help built in to his day to day finances then yeah it is a bit weird at 50.

Does he seem financially unintelligent? I would think he’d take the money and only use whatever he absolutely has to and put the rest in savings for his daughter.

@saltandvinegarpringles I think he should be paying for his own car electric, food for the family. I'm not talking the bigger things.

Not normal for me, but the norm for some.

I don’t think there’s anything special about being self sufficient, it just means your parents were either unable to support you or didn’t care enough to support you. It doesn’t make you a harder worker or a better saver or a better person.

If im lucky enough to be alive when my kids are 50 then i hope I will be able to do the same yes. Id pay for a holiday no bother if they couldnt, id slip them a few bob if they were home with me. Of course id give them money, i dont see why i wouldnt. All 3 are grown women who have financial intelligence and manage their money very well. I just help, and treat them.
They still my kids at any age and if im 80 wtf do i need it for then? they wld be more than likely getting it all shortly then anyways.

But why? As long as he can afford to pay for those things if needed, why can’t his parents help him out and leave him to spend his money on other things if they want to?

My eldest is 30 too btw, not just out of uni.

I’m 70 and neither my parents or in laws gave us a penny and indeed we had a long lecture once when in desperation we asked for help towards a gas bill. They didn’t help, so we didn’t eat much that week!

for this reason we would help our adult children if they needed it and we could afford it. We are both pensioners and they all earn good salaries, but we acknowledge that things are harder now.