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Original poster

Should I tell ex about DS sen school?

76 replies

Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 13:19

My son has autism hes in year 6 working roughly around year one level. Hes going to a special needs school in September.

The thing is I haven't told his father. Because whenever I used to show him reports anything to do with autism DS struggles his father would start swearing and ranting about what a load of shit it is and the words and tone were quite nasty. So I stopped telling him anything.

I could just tell him the name of the school and not tell him its a sen school. But it feels really dishonest but I also dont want to listen to him. Or for him to say things to DS.

Just for general info. We do not live together DS sees his father every other weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 09:07

porridgecake · 15/02/2026 03:44

The current system seems to be that everyone goes to mainstream (unless parents fight, sometimes for years, and spend £££ on assessments and lawyers), but schools have quiet rooms where distressed children can be corralled when they become overwhelmed.
There seems to be something called a hub system now in my area. I think this is intended to allow some sort of differentiation but my children are adults now and I have only heard about this from friends and family who are still grappling with the system.
The situation around SEN/ specialist schools seems the same as ever with far too few places.
I know a few parents who scraped private fees together for a couple of years and are now battling to get LAs to fund places.

OP it is wonderful that your son has got a place in a suitable school. I agree with pp saying don't tell your ex, at least not until ds is settled and secure.

Yes theres a couple of schools with his in ny area . When I done school choices i only put the sen school LA then added a mainstream close to my home. And another with a hub. When I saw i sent an email saying my child would not be stepping foot in them schools and I would be appealing. I guess them 2 schools said they can't reach his needs and the sen school said they can.

OP posts:
Needlenardlenoo · 15/02/2026 09:11

The experience I had was that the LA Ed psych who saw my DD as part of the ECHNA process said she was two years behind (which was a bit of a shock as no-one had said anything). Later on, I had an experienced Ed psych see her privately and he found she was average on all the standardised tests except spelling. And she now sits academically in the middle of the cohort in year 8 of a mainstream school.

It can be hard to.know who to believe sometimes!

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 09:16

DreadPirateLucy · 15/02/2026 09:06

To avoid arguments - when you do tell him just say the local authority allocated him to x school. If he bothers to look it up and realises it’s a special school then even if he’s kicking off you can just repeating that’s the school the LA allocated him to. There’s no need to tell him that’s the school you wanted and fought for, it doesn’t sound like he’s engaged enough to realise that’s how it works!

And yes my younger son is academically more than 2 years behind - his school report is full of “working towards” and his parents evenings are full of praise about how hard he tries etc, nobody outright tells you how far behind he is, we just know because of the ed psych report that cost a fortune.

Edited

Yes exactly. I will just tell him the LA allocated it to him if he says about appealing i will say i can't because he has an ehcp.

Yes parents evening is exactly like that for ds primary school

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education Primary education SEN
Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 09:22

Needlenardlenoo · 15/02/2026 09:11

The experience I had was that the LA Ed psych who saw my DD as part of the ECHNA process said she was two years behind (which was a bit of a shock as no-one had said anything). Later on, I had an experienced Ed psych see her privately and he found she was average on all the standardised tests except spelling. And she now sits academically in the middle of the cohort in year 8 of a mainstream school.

It can be hard to.know who to believe sometimes!

Yeah that is confusing. Its good it got sorted in the end. sounds like hes doing well. I asked the old school senco at the time very blunty. And she told me otherwise I msy not have known. Plus the evidence shows it.

OP posts:
IdentityCris · 15/02/2026 09:46

Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 19:54

Thats interesting. The old senco was fantastic. She done the EHCP for me. And she told me how far behinde he is in blunt terms. So it was very clear. Since the new one took over its near impossible to get clear information from her. Everything seems fluffy. Theres a few people I know of who want to apply for EHCP and she won't do it. She advised me to put ds in mainstream. I wounder if she's been trained differently?

Show quote history

I would wonder if she has been trained at all. New Sencos don't have to have the Senco qualification and they have up to, I think, three years to do it. So she may well not have started the course yet if she's new.

Plus quite a lot of training comes from councils who like to try to indoctrinate Sencos not to ask for EHCPs, and to try to keep support all very vague and woolly if they do suggest any wording for the EHCP. So she may not know any better.

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 09:54

IdentityCris · 15/02/2026 09:46

I would wonder if she has been trained at all. New Sencos don't have to have the Senco qualification and they have up to, I think, three years to do it. So she may well not have started the course yet if she's new.

Plus quite a lot of training comes from councils who like to try to indoctrinate Sencos not to ask for EHCPs, and to try to keep support all very vague and woolly if they do suggest any wording for the EHCP. So she may not know any better.

Show quote history

Yes I was thinking that. All comes down to money. If I was to apply now I think it would be hard to get an ehcp.

My opinion is i think thats pretty bad there's children with complex needs then there's people who are no more qualified than I am. Making decisions about sen children. And with holding the help they need.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 15/02/2026 09:55

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 17:57

Yes it’s all very odd

Show quote history

I don't find that odd. I've gone through the entire school process with ds who is now in 6th form and my ex hasn't been involved at all.

I applied to each school, I do all communications, no-one has ever asked me for ex's details, I just left them blank.

OP, I'd just tell your ex the name of the school. If he is so uninvolved with his child, he's unlikely to work it out for a while.

My ex is equally unengaged. On the only occasion he thought he might go to an event there, he had to ask me for the postcode for his satnav. 😁So don't worry, you aren't the only one xx

Thattimenow · 15/02/2026 10:37

Does he ever collect his son from school? Will he collect him ever from next school?

Thattimenow · 15/02/2026 10:38

Does your son know he’s going to a special school? Has he asked where’s he’s going next?

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 10:51

Thattimenow · 15/02/2026 10:37

Does he ever collect his son from school? Will he collect him ever from next school?

At primary ges done it 3/4 times but it was with him he just waited in the car.. jes only ever picked him up alone once.

Ds does know hes going to sen school. Hes just excited that they don't have to eat in the dining area. That there's no blazers. And they leave early on a Friday.

Hes not likely to say much to his dad. I don't think it will enter his head. He may possibly say the name of it. Or say my new school but hes unlikely to mention it's a sen school.

OP posts:
Madthings · 15/02/2026 11:27

Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 08:58

I think so.. but he wouldn't know how. He would likely give it mouth slag me off to anyone that will listen. Including ds. Then it will fizzle out. The school has already bern named on his ehcp i doubt it could be taken away.

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Yes if school has been named in section I of final ehcp he has the place
If your ex contacted the la though he could put a hold but it would be a matter for family court and I assume he wouldnt manage that but the LA would say you have to take it to court if your ex refuses permission for ds to go. And the la will happily use that as a reason... even though any court will agree with you the school is in his best intetrsts.

sittingonabeach · 15/02/2026 11:34

Is the SEN school local and therefore possibly known to ex. Will other children tell ex?

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 12:25

Madthings · 15/02/2026 11:27

Yes if school has been named in section I of final ehcp he has the place
If your ex contacted the la though he could put a hold but it would be a matter for family court and I assume he wouldnt manage that but the LA would say you have to take it to court if your ex refuses permission for ds to go. And the la will happily use that as a reason... even though any court will agree with you the school is in his best intetrsts.

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Yeah ex wouldn't do that. He will rant slag of do nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 12:28

sittingonabeach · 15/02/2026 11:34

Is the SEN school local and therefore possibly known to ex. Will other children tell ex?

Its on my borough but the opposite end to where I am. Its not a place he would pass . He also lives a couple of hours drive away so he's not local.

OP posts:
gototogo · 15/02/2026 12:33

Whether to opt for mainstream with support or a Sen school isn’t always clear cut, the people here saying of course you should have a Sen school may not have visited any Sen schools - I visited the 3 that were suggested for dd1 (basically within 20 miles), one private and two state and none of them were vaguely suitable because they were incredibly noisy and fully of boisterous boys, dd needed quiet and ordered, it was disruptive pupils that caused her issues in mainstream. You have to assess your own child’s situation and fight for the provision they need not what’s on offer - dd had specialist provision within a mainstream school bespoke for her rather than sen school.

firstofallimadelight · 15/02/2026 12:42

You are lucky he got a Sen school so smoothly it’s often a lot harder. I wouldn’t volunteer any info. If he asks give him the name of the school. You don’t owe him anything.

ExistingonCoffee · 15/02/2026 13:08

I wouldn’t volunteer any information. Why make your life harder than it needs to be. Ex can ask questions if he wants. He can also seek out information from school/LA/other professionals himself. You are not responsible for ex.

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 14:18

gototogo · 15/02/2026 12:33

Whether to opt for mainstream with support or a Sen school isn’t always clear cut, the people here saying of course you should have a Sen school may not have visited any Sen schools - I visited the 3 that were suggested for dd1 (basically within 20 miles), one private and two state and none of them were vaguely suitable because they were incredibly noisy and fully of boisterous boys, dd needed quiet and ordered, it was disruptive pupils that caused her issues in mainstream. You have to assess your own child’s situation and fight for the provision they need not what’s on offer - dd had specialist provision within a mainstream school bespoke for her rather than sen school.

Yeah it would depend on the school and child. There's only 175 children. Compared mainstream secondary which is often 1000+ i have seen the school it seemed absolutely lovely. Things are not so ridged as mainstream secondary. All the children seemed happy. I think ds will be fine there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 14:22

firstofallimadelight · 15/02/2026 12:42

You are lucky he got a Sen school so smoothly it’s often a lot harder. I wouldn’t volunteer any info. If he asks give him the name of the school. You don’t owe him anything.

I honestly thought I would have a fight on my hands especially since LA added a mainstream with a hub. But it was fine thank goodness.

OP posts:
Thattimenow · 15/02/2026 14:28

Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 14:22

I honestly thought I would have a fight on my hands especially since LA added a mainstream with a hub. But it was fine thank goodness.

Show quote history

Does he have PR?

You werent “lucky”. If your son got the place without any hassle whatsoever, it’s because he undoubtedly can’t attend mainstream school in the eyes of the decision makers

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 14:36

Thattimenow · 15/02/2026 14:28

Does he have PR?

You werent “lucky”. If your son got the place without any hassle whatsoever, it’s because he undoubtedly can’t attend mainstream school in the eyes of the decision makers

Show quote history

I don't think so hes not on birth certificate.

I feel like the other schools the LA added probably said they can't meet his needs. It was probably hard for LA to refuse afrer that.

I think the other poster meant people often have to fight to get a place.

OP posts:
Thattimenow · 15/02/2026 14:39

Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 14:36

I don't think so hes not on birth certificate.

I feel like the other schools the LA added probably said they can't meet his needs. It was probably hard for LA to refuse afrer that.

I think the other poster meant people often have to fight to get a place.

Show quote history

They do, many do.

Those that don’t - it is because it is because the child’s needs are so strikingly apparent and inappropriate for mainstream school - that there really is no disputing it. And if you year six child is operating at level of a 5 year old - he no doubt is such a child.

He is not on the BC? Win!!!

Wakemeupinapril · 15/02/2026 14:41

As he is not on the bc he has no say in which school your dc goes to.
Therefore no need to tell him any specifics..

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 15/02/2026 17:05

Wakemeupinapril · 15/02/2026 14:41

As he is not on the bc he has no say in which school your dc goes to.
Therefore no need to tell him any specifics..

Im definitely not going to volunteer information.

OP posts:
Thattimenow · 15/02/2026 17:13

As it stands… he has never attended any parents evening; never asked any questions; not expressed even a passing interest in where his child will be going in September; not noticed his 10 year is functioning at the level of a 5 year old…. Oh and he’s not on the birth certificate.

I don’t think you have even the slightest cause for concern. He doesn’t exactly sound like he’s fully functioning himself.