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Original poster

Should I tell ex about DS sen school?

76 replies

Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 13:19

My son has autism hes in year 6 working roughly around year one level. Hes going to a special needs school in September.

The thing is I haven't told his father. Because whenever I used to show him reports anything to do with autism DS struggles his father would start swearing and ranting about what a load of shit it is and the words and tone were quite nasty. So I stopped telling him anything.

I could just tell him the name of the school and not tell him its a sen school. But it feels really dishonest but I also dont want to listen to him. Or for him to say things to DS.

Just for general info. We do not live together DS sees his father every other weekend.

OP posts:
Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 13:24

His 11 year old son is functioning at the same level of a 5/6 year old and he’s in denial about that?

bring him along to a parents evening

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 15:36

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 13:24

His 11 year old son is functioning at the same level of a 5/6 year old and he’s in denial about that?

bring him along to a parents evening

Edited

Hes in year 6 at the moment. Parents evening doesn't really work like that they say things like working towards. That doesn't really show how far behinde he is. Plus I don't want him to say something stupid to ds.

OP posts:
Enko · 14/02/2026 15:38

If he is that disengaged he is not going on show arounds with you all. Absolutely I would just tell him the name of the school and nothing further.

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Families General education Primary education SEN
Wakemeupinapril · 14/02/2026 15:39

Doesn't sound like he'd beat all supportive to you or ds. I vote for a quiet life and keep shtum...

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 15:39

Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 15:36

Hes in year 6 at the moment. Parents evening doesn't really work like that they say things like working towards. That doesn't really show how far behinde he is. Plus I don't want him to say something stupid to ds.

Show quote history

If an 11 yr old is at the standard of a 5 year old - that would be very clear at parents evenings

plus you’d have a consultation with SEN obviously

Pearlstillsinging · 14/02/2026 15:41

Just tell him the name of the school, although I guess he'll work it out eventually.

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 16:32

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 15:39

If an 11 yr old is at the standard of a 5 year old - that would be very clear at parents evenings

plus you’d have a consultation with SEN obviously

Show quote history

Hes 10.
It doesn't work like that in primary. They say how well hes doing lots of praise use the words working towards. And there's no consultation with senco . And to be honest senco isn't great she advised me to put ds in mainstream secondary.

OP posts:
stichguru · 14/02/2026 16:35

Sorry your ex is a moron. Will he find out anyway, or is he really so disinterested in DS that he won't ever talk to him about what he is doing at school or anything? I guess my thinking is, if you tell him, at least he can get angry and argue about his kid's needs without your kid there. If kid tells alone, is there any danger he will express that he looks down on people who go to special school, and either that he therefore looks down on his kid, or that his kid can't be that stupid.

I mean might he come out with "why do you go to a school for thickos?" or something like "we need to get you moved from a school for the stupid to a proper school"? If so, you don't want your son picking up that his father thinks he's thick, or shouldn't be at that school.

WildCountry · 14/02/2026 17:23

Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 16:32

Hes 10.
It doesn't work like that in primary. They say how well hes doing lots of praise use the words working towards. And there's no consultation with senco . And to be honest senco isn't great she advised me to put ds in mainstream secondary.

Show quote history

If he’s not working on the curriculum for his age then school should not be saying ‘working towards’, they should be saying ‘below’. He would also be entitled to a SEN review every term as well as normal parents evening at which school choices and targets should have been discussed.

Needlenardlenoo · 14/02/2026 17:34

How have you managed to get through the whole EHCP process without your ex reading or signing any paperwork?! I mean, that is a LOT of ignoring he's done so I think at this stage I'd say as little as possible and focus on making the year 7 transition as smooth as possible.

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 17:57

Needlenardlenoo · 14/02/2026 17:34

How have you managed to get through the whole EHCP process without your ex reading or signing any paperwork?! I mean, that is a LOT of ignoring he's done so I think at this stage I'd say as little as possible and focus on making the year 7 transition as smooth as possible.

Yes it’s all very odd

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 17:58

WildCountry · 14/02/2026 17:23

If he’s not working on the curriculum for his age then school should not be saying ‘working towards’, they should be saying ‘below’. He would also be entitled to a SEN review every term as well as normal parents evening at which school choices and targets should have been discussed.

Show quote history

Exactly

no WAY would it not be abundantly apparent that a 10 / 11 year old was at the level of a 5 / 6 year old at parents evenings

SweeetFannyAdams · 14/02/2026 18:24

Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 16:32

Hes 10.
It doesn't work like that in primary. They say how well hes doing lots of praise use the words working towards. And there's no consultation with senco . And to be honest senco isn't great she advised me to put ds in mainstream secondary.

Show quote history

And to be honest senco isn't great she advised me to put ds in mainstream secondary.

When he's working at the level of a 5 year old??

BubbleBubblePopp · 14/02/2026 18:28

Needlenardlenoo · 14/02/2026 17:34

How have you managed to get through the whole EHCP process without your ex reading or signing any paperwork?! I mean, that is a LOT of ignoring he's done so I think at this stage I'd say as little as possible and focus on making the year 7 transition as smooth as possible.

He doesn’t need to sign anything, my ex isn’t involved and I have two children with ehcp they have never asked my ex to sign anything

tealandteal · 14/02/2026 18:31

My experience of primary schools is that they would absolutely engage with the SENCO and discuss needs at primary school. Especially for someone working at that level. What support have the school put in place? Is his place at the new school confirmed? It’s unusual the school haven’t recognised this at all.

GiantTeddyIsTired · 14/02/2026 18:36

My solicitor told me that I don't have to be the conduit for school information at all - although he does know the schools the kids go to, I don't pass on any emails/reports/whatever, I didn't sign him up to anything, as he is a grown adult who's as capable as I am of doing so for himself.

QuickBlueKoala · 14/02/2026 18:36

My guess is that a lot of the comments here come from parents whi do not have kids with SENDs.

  • a child has to be either aggressive or pretty much permanently unconscious for an unprompted recommendation of a special school. a well behaved child will be pushed towards mainstream (cheap!)
  • school reports will be more clear (not super clear - “working below” doesn’t necessarily mean 5 years below!), but at parents evenings, the focus is usually on what the child is doing well - teachers at this point assume you have noticed that your child is 5 years behind - no need to repeat that!
Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 18:40

BubbleBubblePopp · 14/02/2026 18:28

He doesn’t need to sign anything, my ex isn’t involved and I have two children with ehcp they have never asked my ex to sign anything

Show quote history

Im glad you said that I was about to explain

OP posts:
Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 18:40

QuickBlueKoala · 14/02/2026 18:36

My guess is that a lot of the comments here come from parents whi do not have kids with SENDs.

  • a child has to be either aggressive or pretty much permanently unconscious for an unprompted recommendation of a special school. a well behaved child will be pushed towards mainstream (cheap!)
  • school reports will be more clear (not super clear - “working below” doesn’t necessarily mean 5 years below!), but at parents evenings, the focus is usually on what the child is doing well - teachers at this point assume you have noticed that your child is 5 years behind - no need to repeat that!

They will meet with the Sen dept no doubt at parents evening

and if it isn’t clear during parents evening that a child is five years behind peers…. Then the parent has their head shoved up their own ass

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 18:42

Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 18:40

Im glad you said that I was about to explain

Show quote history

But you’ve presumably been through this entire process without telling him?

i Am guessing he has very very little to do with the school if he only has eow?

Comewhatmay25 · 14/02/2026 18:46

Protect your peace. If he asks, tell him the name of the school. Only offer what he asks.

Morph22010 · 14/02/2026 18:51

Needlenardlenoo · 14/02/2026 17:34

How have you managed to get through the whole EHCP process without your ex reading or signing any paperwork?! I mean, that is a LOT of ignoring he's done so I think at this stage I'd say as little as possible and focus on making the year 7 transition as smooth as possible.

My partner (ds’s dad) has never signed or done anything on his echp I’ve handled all that side of things

Original poster
Fuzzybear22 · 14/02/2026 19:02

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 18:40

They will meet with the Sen dept no doubt at parents evening

and if it isn’t clear during parents evening that a child is five years behind peers…. Then the parent has their head shoved up their own ass

Show quote history

The sen stuff is not mentioned at parents evening. Yes there are reviews. But ex is not there its just me. The ex knows hes behinde but not by how much. Because I stopped telling him. Ex does not go to parents evening

OP posts:
WutheringTights · 14/02/2026 19:06

Why is everyone so obsessed with parents evenings?

If your ex is so uninterested in his child’s education that he hasn’t already realised then I’d not be inclined to put in any effort at all to enlighten him.

Thattimenow · 14/02/2026 19:09

So he sees his son EOW
Never attended a parents evening
Has no idea his son has an ECHP
Doesn’t accept his son is operating at 5 years below his age

No @Fuzzybear22 absolutely no reason to tell him about the special school.

Does he eve collect his child from school?

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