Should I tell ex about DS sen school?

[Fuzzybear22]

My son has autism hes in year 6 working roughly around year one level. Hes going to a special needs school in September.

The thing is I haven't told his father. Because whenever I used to show him reports anything to do with autism DS struggles his father would start swearing and ranting about what a load of shit it is and the words and tone were quite nasty. So I stopped telling him anything.

I could just tell him the name of the school and not tell him its a sen school. But it feels really dishonest but I also dont want to listen to him. Or for him to say things to DS.

Just for general info. We do not live together DS sees his father every other weekend.

OK. Well, that's good then if you'd rather not share the information? I don't think there's any need to share information someone hasn't asked for, if you think it'll cause trouble.

Just answer any questions he asks but don’t volunteer any info he hasn’t asked for.

Unfortunately this is the direction of national policy. The government appear to be attempting to get round SEND law and costs by pushing the majority of children into mainstream.

The clueless ex here will have no understanding of the amount of trouble the OP will have had to go to, to get the special school.

My husband did sign all the EHCP paperwork and before that all the various requests for information for assessments etc - but maybe that wasn't necessary? He wasn't anti any of it though.

My child is in a special school now and when he was in a mainstream primary school parents evenings were very vague.
actually all information from school was very vague unless he kicked off the all of a sudden they wanted to have meetings etc. getting schools to admit how behind a Sen child is is like pulling teeth- it's like if they admit the difficulty a child is having then they're admitting they need to provide more support- which they never want to does without a battle.
I can absolutely believe you could sit through a parents evening without it being obvious a child is working 5 heads behind. It sounds ridiculous ro anyone that hasn't dealt with mainstream sxhooos and children with sen needs

Thats interesting. The old senco was fantastic. She done the EHCP for me. And she told me how far behinde he is in blunt terms. So it was very clear. Since the new one took over its near impossible to get clear information from her. Everything seems fluffy. Theres a few people I know of who want to apply for EHCP and she won't do it. She advised me to put ds in mainstream. I wounder if she's been trained differently?

Have you told the other parents they can ask for the ECHNA themselves @Fuzzybear22? There's a template letter on the IPSEA website they can use. They don't have to wait for the SENCO to do it.

TBH if he hasn’t bothered to ask/show any interest in secondary schools for his son I’d leave it until he bothers to ask.

Yes I have they can go throgh the LA i gave them info on sen advocate and information about drop ins.

@Thattimenow meetings with the senco (i.e. reviews) are generally seperate.
In most schools i know, parents evenings are 5-10 minutes slots, with everyone in thr big hall. That doesn’t work for senco meetings!

@Forree absolutely! The idea that teachers at a parent’s evening (5 min slot in a big hall) will tell you how behind a child is, is just so unrealistic

No the definitely do not. And definitely not infront of the child.

Doesn't sound like he'd beat all supportive to you or ds. I vote for a quiet life and keep shtum...

I think i will. If he asks i will have to tell him but I doubt he will.

No need to involve him he is a fully grown adult and can contact current school himself if he wants to. Ditto to contacting the LA. I mean has he even spoken to you about high school and apply for places?

My child has an ehcp and gets eotis. Ex has no clue at sll. Is not involved in our life. I stated that in ehcp paperwork and for tribunal I submitted documents to detail his non involvement. They were fine with that.

The local authority could have contacted him but equally it is on him as a parent t to put the effort in to be involved, he clearly hasnt done that.

And as someone who has worked in mainstream and complex needs I am laughing at the naivety of peoold thing the senco will be involved in patents evening or that they would make it clear just how much the child struggles.

The senco sounds inexperienced, she may not even have completed senco training as you can legally be employed as senco without doing so for up to 3 years. Honest many dont know the law around send, many are misled by the LA and pressured also by them.

My sons old sendco tried to tell me he didnt have a speech and communication difficulties and wasnt entitled to any support, he is diagnosed autistic pda, with complex verbal and motor tics, plus other dusabilities. As I work in complex needs I contacted the access to technology speech and language team myself and then they supported so we could access to various things recommended by the Ed psych.

There are some great sendcos, there are many burnt out sendcos beaten by the system and there also some who are clueless as well as some who actively play the LA games. The system is a mess because there is no accountability especially with academy schools.

Op I hope the transition goes smoothly snd he settles and thrives in his new school, well done securing a specialist placement its not easy.

You sound like a fantastic mum. You’ve done a great job getting a school place for your DC: it is not easy.
I'd not bother starting the conversation with your ex, if he asks I’d tell him. If he wants more info he can contact the school.

I have never been questioned about ds father . It may be because only my details are in school records. Not sure but its never been mentioned.

And I never knew sencos could go without training for 3 years. Kind of shocked in a way. It basically means shes not qualified? Or have I misunderstood. I was so worried she was going to make it difficult when I applied for SEN school. I thought she was going to play down his needs. But the sen school done a visit to the school. And tuned out ok.

LA added 2 other schools. Since ds has been offered the sen school im guessing the one's LA added said they couldn't reach ds needs.

Yesh I agree about the parents evening. Isn ds school it seems to be lots of praise. And they set a small target

Thank you hopefully he will be very happy.

I think you should tell the father. He sees quite a lot of DS if it's every second weekend, and presumably some holidays, and it feels wrong for him not to know something so important about his son. I'm sure he'll find out soon anyway, from what your son says to him.

The fact his son is in year 6 and he doesn't know what what secondary school he's going to kind of proves he's not that involved or bothered tbh. Personally I wouldn't tell him unless he asks, he hasn't concerned himself with being involved in school choices so why should it be the OPs job to keep him informed- he could keep himself informed and he's chosen not fo.

Can parents object to special school placements? I would worry he could somehow derail the place. Particularly as LAs seem to be using any excuse not to grant special school places.

The current system seems to be that everyone goes to mainstream (unless parents fight, sometimes for years, and spend £££ on assessments and lawyers), but schools have quiet rooms where distressed children can be corralled when they become overwhelmed.
There seems to be something called a hub system now in my area. I think this is intended to allow some sort of differentiation but my children are adults now and I have only heard about this from friends and family who are still grappling with the system.
The situation around SEN/ specialist schools seems the same as ever with far too few places.
I know a few parents who scraped private fees together for a couple of years and are now battling to get LAs to fund places.

OP it is wonderful that your son has got a place in a suitable school. I agree with pp saying don't tell your ex, at least not until ds is settled and secure.

It is telling that your ex hasn’t even asked about plans for secondary school

He sees him every other weekend and then an extra week in the summer holidays.
But ge still does understand how ds struggles for example he might give ds a birthday card and say to ds write happy birthday. And ds cant. Or an comment like oh you should be able to do that by now you need to try harder.. when I did show him reports in the past he would say things like they make him sound like a fucking s%#*ic and he will say stuff infront of ds.

He constantly slags my other kids off to ds and his brother. They come home and tell me. He does it with his own children to. Once ds and his brother are older he probably do it to them. The fact he already makes comments says it will go that way. Anyway that's a different story I was just trying to explain what he can be like.

I don't think he knows how school transition works. Hes involved enough to msje comments thsts about it. He may ask what school he gos to in the September possibly August.

I think so.. but he wouldn't know how. He would likely give it mouth slag me off to anyone that will listen. Including ds. Then it will fizzle out. The school has already bern named on his ehcp i doubt it could be taken away.

To avoid arguments - when you do tell him just say the local authority allocated him to x school. If he bothers to look it up and realises it’s a special school then even if he’s kicking off you can just repeating that’s the school the LA allocated him to. There’s no need to tell him that’s the school you wanted and fought for, it doesn’t sound like he’s engaged enough to realise that’s how it works!

And yes my younger son is academically more than 2 years behind - his school report is full of “working towards” and his parents evenings are full of praise about how hard he tries etc, nobody outright tells you how far behind he is, we just know because of the ed psych report that cost a fortune.