Your thoughts on somethin that happened yesterday

[Peurbhoy]

NC-ed for this and will change a few details. Yesterday I was at a sports arena waiting for DC10 to finish their sport. DC came out and sat on the top benches outside the arena and I was helping them take off the gear. Very busy surrounds - lots of kids entering and leaving arena and lots of parents nudging them along/helping etc. I suddenly noticed that DC's footwear had nudged to its side an open cup of drink that had been left by someone on one of the benches. The last bits of what presumably was someone's hot chocolate. To my absolute horror I then saw that there was a pram underneath the bench and inside said pram was a little baby. The dregs of the drink had dripped on to the pram and the baby's forehead. I was horrified - I immediately alerted the mum and put my hand straight into the drink/cup to test the temperature (cool). I apologised profoundly - and it turned out that the drink had been left atop the baby's pram by one of the older kids of the mum/her group. I asked repeatedly if the baby is ok and checked the temperature of the spills over and again.

The mum - very understandably- absolutely lost it at me. Called me "fucking disgusting" about ten times and then started calling DC "fucking horrible". DC burst into tears. I kept apologising, saying I understand, I am a mum myself - I am so sorry. I said It wasnt my drink (it was her older child's drink left there) - and please should we get a staff member with first aid kit to check the baby. The woman kept screaming "fucking idiot" and "fucking cunting disgusting" at DC who was crying by now.

I went over to the reception desk and asked for a team member to please come - and said what had occured and to please bring a first aider to check the baby just in case. I knew the liquid wasnt hot, but I still felt like because of how small the baby is she should at least be seen to. The woman kept screaming "fucking cunting idiot" and once I knew the staff had reached them and baby had been checked (baby was fine) - I left with a terrified DC.

I kept reminding DC - mummies are like dragons, imagine being a new mummy, and seeing the horror of a drink (of unknown temperature) spilling on your baby - you'd be terrified and I know I would be so worried. DC kept asking why did she keep swearing at DC and me despite our efforts - i kept reiterating mums feel fierceley and rightly protective of tiny, vulnerable things.

I cannot get past this replaying in my head. I have shed many tears of shame/remorse/worry about it. DH and a friend both think it wasn't wise of them to leave a baby in a pram under a bench and one of their kids' drinks on said bench - but I cannot get past the horor that I/DC had knocked a drink on to a baby, and the absolute swearing/screaming in a public place that happened to us. And whether I could have done something else that I didn't do?

We have to go back to the arena because 1) DC has lessons in that sport 2) DC's sibling has lessons in anothrer sport same place and 3) they both practice the sport there. DC has also worryingly asked me if they see us again if they will put a drink on DC. I brushed that thought away and said they wouldnt even recognise us but DC piped up with our ethnicity and that we are possibly more easily rememberable (!) in our town. I am sad that such a thought has even crossed DC mind.

Sorry for the essay but I am so shaken/upset/mortified I just wanted some views on what else I could have done.

Not to mention two of my cousins have had newborns of late and really relying on me on whatsapp for BF-ing, post birth queries and support - and I am horrified thinking I could have done this to their newborns, or what they'd think of me if they ever found out.

Thanks everyone - I’ve really appreciated the support and advice for the future, both as a parent/human/citizen but also as a person of colour in an overwhelmingly white town - and the importance of not being so instinctively petrified. Thanks for the sense check. I’ll unwatch the thread now as I’ve clarified a few things and learnt lots.

I hear you. I'm white, but of an ethnicity which is widely despised, and when I lived in England and a a certain kind of person heard my accent, even in a completely non-fraught situation, it could sometimes get unpleasant.

I only realised how cautious it made me in encounters with strangers in the UK after I'd I moved home.

It’s a good job it wasn’t me who knocked a bit of cold hot chocolate over that she was responsible for leaving right on top of her baby’s pram, as I would have ended up punching her if she spoke to me or DC like that. Then she’d have something to be actually ‘disgusted’ by.

A grown woman was screaming that your 10 year old, who hadn't actually done anything, was a cunt and you apologised? Jesus. You're nicer than me, she'd have been collecting her teeth off the floor.

I missed the info about being a POC and I think it does make sense to me with that context that you would have acted to placate and to get others to confirm that the baby was ok. Sorry, OP. I think it is ok to be a bit more "fuck you" in that situation (not suggesting you actually say that) but I can see how you might be worried about angry black woman tropes and about others assuming you'd done something wrong. It's really sad that you and your son have to think about that stuff in a situation that was already very frightening.

I think you've handled it all with class and kindness shone through. The mum's reaction was completely OTT and quite frankly, she was being a bitch. As soon as the temp of the drink established then all should've been calmer. It was an accident. I'd have walked away from that abuse by that stage tbh.

Perhaps she should teach her own child to use the bin....

New baby or not she sounds horribly rude and she should not have spoken to your child like that. It wasn’t even your child’s fault.

I think you did the right thing by alerting the mum and apologising and descalating the situation.
I also think it's fine to tell your son that he did nothing wrong and it isn't his fault. I have had to calmly explain to my son (similar age) that some adults/people can be unreasonable and aggressive. if you want you can soften it by saying that she mums of small babies can be very anxious.

But basically, while I wouldn't bring my son up to cheek back, I think it's important they know they aren't always in the wrong by virtue of being a child. And also explain (this is true) that none of the other adults watching would have thought your son was in the wrong based on the exchange. They would more likely have been judging the mother for the swearing and kicking off. Especially as the drink was her family's.

"No good deed goes unpunished" and in my experience that expression is usually true. Personally, having checked the temperature of the drink, I would have left well alone. Especially as it had absolutely nothing to do with me. There's more abusive weirdos around these days than ever before.

It wasn't your fault or DC's . Someone was careless with a drink and a mum put her baby where she wouldn't be easily seen and an accident happened. The mum sounds deranged.

She over reacted, and was a complete dick.
You apologised. It was an accident, non of it your fault.
Frankly I would have defended my child

Wow she’s very aggressive for her own DC’s drink being spilt on her baby. As you’ll stand out and you’re probably bound to see her again. Perhaps think of something to say defend yourself if she was to lose it at you next time you see them. Point out she’s equally at fault and negligent and if she abuses you like that again you will get her banned from the venue.

She was verbally abusive to your son and that needs to be recognised and acknowledged, because simplh saying she was being a mummy dragon is falling short, frankly.

She was out of order.