Your thoughts on somethin that happened yesterday

[Peurbhoy]

NC-ed for this and will change a few details. Yesterday I was at a sports arena waiting for DC10 to finish their sport. DC came out and sat on the top benches outside the arena and I was helping them take off the gear. Very busy surrounds - lots of kids entering and leaving arena and lots of parents nudging them along/helping etc. I suddenly noticed that DC's footwear had nudged to its side an open cup of drink that had been left by someone on one of the benches. The last bits of what presumably was someone's hot chocolate. To my absolute horror I then saw that there was a pram underneath the bench and inside said pram was a little baby. The dregs of the drink had dripped on to the pram and the baby's forehead. I was horrified - I immediately alerted the mum and put my hand straight into the drink/cup to test the temperature (cool). I apologised profoundly - and it turned out that the drink had been left atop the baby's pram by one of the older kids of the mum/her group. I asked repeatedly if the baby is ok and checked the temperature of the spills over and again.

The mum - very understandably- absolutely lost it at me. Called me "fucking disgusting" about ten times and then started calling DC "fucking horrible". DC burst into tears. I kept apologising, saying I understand, I am a mum myself - I am so sorry. I said It wasnt my drink (it was her older child's drink left there) - and please should we get a staff member with first aid kit to check the baby. The woman kept screaming "fucking idiot" and "fucking cunting disgusting" at DC who was crying by now.

I went over to the reception desk and asked for a team member to please come - and said what had occured and to please bring a first aider to check the baby just in case. I knew the liquid wasnt hot, but I still felt like because of how small the baby is she should at least be seen to. The woman kept screaming "fucking cunting idiot" and once I knew the staff had reached them and baby had been checked (baby was fine) - I left with a terrified DC.

I kept reminding DC - mummies are like dragons, imagine being a new mummy, and seeing the horror of a drink (of unknown temperature) spilling on your baby - you'd be terrified and I know I would be so worried. DC kept asking why did she keep swearing at DC and me despite our efforts - i kept reiterating mums feel fierceley and rightly protective of tiny, vulnerable things.

I cannot get past this replaying in my head. I have shed many tears of shame/remorse/worry about it. DH and a friend both think it wasn't wise of them to leave a baby in a pram under a bench and one of their kids' drinks on said bench - but I cannot get past the horor that I/DC had knocked a drink on to a baby, and the absolute swearing/screaming in a public place that happened to us. And whether I could have done something else that I didn't do?

We have to go back to the arena because 1) DC has lessons in that sport 2) DC's sibling has lessons in anothrer sport same place and 3) they both practice the sport there. DC has also worryingly asked me if they see us again if they will put a drink on DC. I brushed that thought away and said they wouldnt even recognise us but DC piped up with our ethnicity and that we are possibly more easily rememberable (!) in our town. I am sad that such a thought has even crossed DC mind.

Sorry for the essay but I am so shaken/upset/mortified I just wanted some views on what else I could have done.

Not to mention two of my cousins have had newborns of late and really relying on me on whatsapp for BF-ing, post birth queries and support - and I am horrified thinking I could have done this to their newborns, or what they'd think of me if they ever found out.

The woman is clearly a nasty piece of work, and rather than educating your child about protective mums, I’d be telling him that some people are nasty, and that that women is just a nasty foul-mouthed person to be ignored.

It sounds as if the poor baby has bigger things to worry about than a few drops of cold chocolate milk on its face.

She sounds like an idiot and needs to better look after her baby. My money would be on she’s one of those mums who packs a G&T for afternoon sports practice 🙄 and that accounts for the out of proportion, abusive response and the lack of appropriate care for her young baby. I’d be reporting her to the venue and make sure they know the abuse your child experienced.

If it was your elbow that knocked it over why was she calling your DS horrible?

(Assume you saying it was DS that knocked it over is one of the details you changed in your op)

Actually in certain circumstances it is indeed illegal/a crime. Section 5 of the Public Order Act 1986: it is an offence to use threatening, abusive, or disorderly words or behaviour, or display threatening, abusive, or insulting writing/signs, in a public place where someone is likely to be caused harassment, alarm, or distress. I would say this actually meets the criteria as she was using her words to cause your son distress.

Her behaviour sounds appalling and she should have been keeping a closer eye on all of her children.

This. I don't entirely understand why you were so distressed once you'd checked the baby wasn't scalded. It does sound like an insane overreaction by her but I think your son was in a state because you were behaving like this nutter might be in the right and he might have really hurt a baby.

Most of us think that we know how we would react in a situation where we are being attacked like this but survival instincts overwhelm us and we will likely respond with fight/flight/freeze or fawn. These are all ways of protecting ourselves in situations where we perceive ourselves to be in danger. You ‘fawned’ and there is nothing wrong with that, it’s instinct.
Once in a shopping centre a toddler was propelling a light buggy forward at some speed until she slammed in to me and promptly fell backwards and cracked her head, the mother ran forward and her facial expression was suffused with such hatred towards me, it shocked me into absolute freeze! Of course afterwards everyone said that they would have told her that she should have been looking after the child, etc but my instincts perceived danger and rational thought was over ridden. You see this in the animal kingdom all the time.

If you had kicked off too it could have ended very badly, don’t beat yourself up about it and accept that it will play on a loop in your mind for a while but it will pass.
I agree with telling your child that the mother was completely out of order now that you have had time to reflect on it.

The only thing you have done wrong is condone this woman's behaviour to your child.
Rather than mum's are like dragons, I would say 'some people should not be allowed to be mums and she is one of them'.
Disgusting woman. She should not be allowed to be in charge of small children.

See I'm the type to fight fire with fire and I would have spoke to her the same way she spoke to me. They usually back down when you play them at their own game.

Jeez, what a storm in a hot chocolate cup; not only the other woman's egregious swearing over a few drops of non-toxic cool liquid landing on her child but also all the ridiculous "fiercely protective mummy bear mortification" nonsense.

It was a complete non-event (although pretty stupid of anyone to put an open hot drink on top of a pram).

That woman is crazy and I pity her children

How awful for you and DC. You did nothing wrong!! The woman wasn’t alert to where she left baby, or where her other child left its drink, and swore and shouted at you in front of your DC and whoever else was around. She sounds vile! I hope your DC is ok, and you. Yiu did more than enough to check on baby and to own up to the spill. The mother could learn some good parenting tips from you.

In the OP you said your DS's footwear nudged the drink over? But here you've said you elbowed it over?

Either way, it's understandable that she was pissed off but doesn't excuse the language in front of your DS. But I'd just chalk it up and move on.

You were far nicer than I would have been.
The minute she started with the abuse I would have pointed out to her that it was a) her unattended baby, and B) her childs unattended drink.

You were very lovely, and caring, and tolerant of her.

You can't reason with unreasonable, and her reaction was unreasonable.

Your poor DC. I think the only thing I would have done more was to remove DC from the environment once the horrible language started. You apologised, the baby was actually fine, I would have done as you and asked for a first aider and left immediately.

Please put it out of your mind. The baby is fine. Just focus on your DC.

Yeah I think the same as you. It was her child’s drink, she should have been watching her baby and in no way shape or form should she have spoken to you like this. I’d of found it hard to keep my cool, the fact you have said that there may be a racial element involved has made me rage even more for you.

Why the fuck are you feeling shame and remorse? The mother is the "fucking cunting idiot". What a vile woman who needs to take better care of her own children.

Hope your child is ok and telling them that mother's are like dragons wasn't the brightest thing to do. You should have told them they did nothing wrong and the woman is unhinged.

It was an accident. You apologised profusely. The woman behaved like an aggressive pig

I think you would be right to follow this advice. Your boy will have been dwelling on this outburst today, just as you have, as it was shocking. let him know that you too have been thinking about it, and wondering what you should have done differently. This will validate his feelings and also show him that sometimes adults take a while to work out the right way to respond to batshittery. Having discussed it again, you can both decide to draw a line under it and move on.

Right, maybe it was the shock of it all but I don’t think you handled this aspect of it well at all. This mummy dragon stuff is nonsense. She was aggressive and out of control as well as careless and unreasonable.

As a former educator I’ve always noticed it’s the worst parents that create the biggest fuss if they think they can pin an accident on someone else.

I’m struggling to understand how a newborn baby left unattended under a bench which led to their own sibling’s carelessly discarded drink spilling on them could be your fault?

Remember you also have a duty to your DS to stand up for him in that moment and teach him to stand up for himself against unacceptable behaviour. I’d have threatened her with the police and social services if she came at me and my child like that!

You did nothing wrong, she is absolutely batshit and was vying for a fight. You should not have apologised so much. She should have had a better eye on her kid.

This wasn't your fault in any way, and you do need to try to toughen up a bit. She was being insane and needs the chill TF out. Don't give it a second thought.

but DC piped up with our ethnicity and that we are possibly more easily rememberable (!) in our town. I am sad that such a thought has even crossed DC mind.

If you’re a POC sadly you will really need to prepare for this sort of thing. Racism is on the rise and children are seen as fair targets by adult racists. Not saying it necessarily was racism this time but my point is you might find things like this happen more often .

I had a (white) friend who was always very dismissive of the extent of racism in the UK until she had a mixed race child and some drunk men started calling her dancing toddler certain names which I won’t even repeat. I’d say kids get targeted even more sometimes as their easy targets.

Next time move to safety, report (and record if necessary) don’t apologise for something that’s not your fault as that can just be seen as admission of guilt/responsibility - and please don’t minimise to your child.

She sounds absolutely insane and honestly I'd be expecting her to be banned from future events.

She behaved badly, but seriously your 10 year old that upset after the event?

"yes love she swore, that happens in life when you lose control. Its only words, don't waste time on people who don't have the intelligence to use other words / or / people shout when they are scared, and she was probably reacting to what could have happened"

OP it was her own fault really, not your fault at all and she shouldn't have been using that language directed at you/your children. No need to have apologised that much and definitely no need to feel guilty. Hope you are all ok.