Your thoughts on somethin that happened yesterday

[Peurbhoy]

NC-ed for this and will change a few details. Yesterday I was at a sports arena waiting for DC10 to finish their sport. DC came out and sat on the top benches outside the arena and I was helping them take off the gear. Very busy surrounds - lots of kids entering and leaving arena and lots of parents nudging them along/helping etc. I suddenly noticed that DC's footwear had nudged to its side an open cup of drink that had been left by someone on one of the benches. The last bits of what presumably was someone's hot chocolate. To my absolute horror I then saw that there was a pram underneath the bench and inside said pram was a little baby. The dregs of the drink had dripped on to the pram and the baby's forehead. I was horrified - I immediately alerted the mum and put my hand straight into the drink/cup to test the temperature (cool). I apologised profoundly - and it turned out that the drink had been left atop the baby's pram by one of the older kids of the mum/her group. I asked repeatedly if the baby is ok and checked the temperature of the spills over and again.

The mum - very understandably- absolutely lost it at me. Called me "fucking disgusting" about ten times and then started calling DC "fucking horrible". DC burst into tears. I kept apologising, saying I understand, I am a mum myself - I am so sorry. I said It wasnt my drink (it was her older child's drink left there) - and please should we get a staff member with first aid kit to check the baby. The woman kept screaming "fucking idiot" and "fucking cunting disgusting" at DC who was crying by now.

I went over to the reception desk and asked for a team member to please come - and said what had occured and to please bring a first aider to check the baby just in case. I knew the liquid wasnt hot, but I still felt like because of how small the baby is she should at least be seen to. The woman kept screaming "fucking cunting idiot" and once I knew the staff had reached them and baby had been checked (baby was fine) - I left with a terrified DC.

I kept reminding DC - mummies are like dragons, imagine being a new mummy, and seeing the horror of a drink (of unknown temperature) spilling on your baby - you'd be terrified and I know I would be so worried. DC kept asking why did she keep swearing at DC and me despite our efforts - i kept reiterating mums feel fierceley and rightly protective of tiny, vulnerable things.

I cannot get past this replaying in my head. I have shed many tears of shame/remorse/worry about it. DH and a friend both think it wasn't wise of them to leave a baby in a pram under a bench and one of their kids' drinks on said bench - but I cannot get past the horor that I/DC had knocked a drink on to a baby, and the absolute swearing/screaming in a public place that happened to us. And whether I could have done something else that I didn't do?

We have to go back to the arena because 1) DC has lessons in that sport 2) DC's sibling has lessons in anothrer sport same place and 3) they both practice the sport there. DC has also worryingly asked me if they see us again if they will put a drink on DC. I brushed that thought away and said they wouldnt even recognise us but DC piped up with our ethnicity and that we are possibly more easily rememberable (!) in our town. I am sad that such a thought has even crossed DC mind.

Sorry for the essay but I am so shaken/upset/mortified I just wanted some views on what else I could have done.

Not to mention two of my cousins have had newborns of late and really relying on me on whatsapp for BF-ing, post birth queries and support - and I am horrified thinking I could have done this to their newborns, or what they'd think of me if they ever found out.

I don't think it was literally balanced on the pram, she says "atop" which is confusing but she mentioned earlier that it was placed on a bench and had tipped over and dripped through the bench slats.

When you put clothes and things on a bench like that they can slide along as people put other things down or even just move nearby. I'm picturing an empty paper cup with a few dregs left in it, which would be extremely light and easily tipped over by the slightest nudge. Probably the cup was left after OP's children put their things down but before they got nudged to the side.

I'm confused. It was her child's open drink, left on her kid's pram. Why were YOU apologising profusely? Why are you saying it's understandable how she spoke to you?

This is absolutely disgusting. You must have been in such a state of shock. You really need to know that this was 100% on her and her shit parenting. You have literally done nothing wrong here. In fact you were as patient as a saint.

It’s useful for your Ds to know that some people lash out with extreme anger when they are scared or embarrassed. He’ll come across boys who do this as he becomes a young teen. You don’t need to excuse it (people shouldn’t deflect their own emotions into anger at others) but you can explain it.

It was an unfortunate accident, OP; and the other mother is very lucky there wasn't a hot drink in the cup that tipped over. However, you did the right thing apologising, asking if the baby was injured and getting staff and a first aider. There's really nothing more you could have done.

Don't go overboard explaining things to your son. If he hasn't moved on yet, just say, 'sometimes when people are really scared, their fear comes out as anger and we say things we shouldn't. It's understandable this mum was scared her baby was hurt. But we did all we could by saying sorry and getting help.'

Realistically I probably would have pretended not to notice I might even have moved the shoes so it wasn't clear what had caused the drink to be knocked, especially if I knew it wasn't my drink.

In all likelihood if the drink had been hot at any point the baby would have absolutely let everyone know. They probably licked their lips and enjoyed a bit of sibling-led-weaning

OTOH though I can understand panic if you just see a hot drink cup + baby and the instinctive rush to check the baby is OK and alert mum to danger probably overrides common sense about considering whether they would have screamed and/or any selfish avoidance of responsibility.

Are you usually a grovelling, people-pleasing, I hate confrontation sort @Peurbhoy ? Have you lived your life having to kowtow to bullies?

I'm all for apologising for my child being in an accident, but I absolutely will not be standing around grovelling to or justifying the actions of someone verbally abusing me and my child. You must balance your child acknowledging their part in an event and them also standing up for themselves.
You went way overboard with your apologising/seeking help and making excuses for that idiot.

I brushed that thought away and said they wouldnt even recognise us but DC piped up with our ethnicity and that we are possibly more easily rememberable (!) in our town.

I suspect this is why this complete dreg of a woman attacked you, because of your ethnicity. She felt safe to do it.

She is scum, OP.

Honestly, she sounds horrible 😔

She (over)!reacted in the moment, but it wasn’t your fault the drink was there and it wasn’t hot. Accidents happen.

Give yourself some tlc. It was a horrible experience. Hugs coming your way.

She is repulsive! An accident occurred and had she been properly looking after her precious newborn she’d have been able to move them out of the way of any drips.

You apologised but in all honesty, she needs to apologise. Her child left rubbish at their backside and had they not, this whole incident would have been avoided.

I would have apologised and the minute so got so heated she’d have been told if she kept a better eye on her kids it wouldn’t have occurred. Hope she goes home and really thinks about this, although she’ll be basking in her victim mentality that some monster stood and poured hot chocolate on her unsupervised newborn.

Thank you all. It was a little baby though. She was completely helpless - strapped into her pram - if she was held she could have been moved from the drips. A newborn baby

A newborn baby whose PARENT left a cup with liquid in it, on a bench, directly above where her baby was lying. That is HER responsibility and stupidity, not yours. You saw the area was crowded with children. So did she. She chose not to hold her baby or move her child's half drunk drink. Then when the inevitable happened and the drink was spilled, she reacted like a fishwife, screaming and using foul language at a child?

She is entirely in the wrong here, OP. Not you, not your child. What a disgusting woman.

Omg sorry this horrible person talked to you like that. Hopefully she is feeling ashamed of herself.

Of course you have done nothing wrong. We don't know how we react until we're in situations but I'd like to think if I were you then as soon as I knew the liquid wasn't hot and the baby was ok, I would have told that lady to stop talking to me like that, the cup had been placed in a precarious position (not by you) and I would have left to protect my child from her vile behaviour.

I also wouldn't have excused her behaviour to my child. She was a nasty horrible woman and despite being a tired new mum shouldn't treat others so poorly.

Hold your head up high when you go back there. Maybe have a few responses ready if she verbally assault you again and if she does report to the sports centre for anti social behaviour.

I would have walked my child away from her as soon as she started with the abuse. If she's willing to behave like that in public, imagine what she's like behind closed doors. Jeez.

Yeh in this situation I think poor baby as it grows up I bet it gets similar tirades.

The thing is, he WAS verbally abused. Her behaviour was out of proportion to what happened and being a protective mother isn’t an excuse.

I don’t think it would do any harm to say something like this to your son - “I’ve been thinking about yesterday. The woman’s behaviour was completely unacceptable. She shouldn’t have spoken to us like that under any circumstances. If I could do it again I would have left straight after I’d said sorry and checked the baby was ok”.

I’d want him to know that he doesn’t have to take abuse even if he has done something wrong (accidentally or not).

Yes we were verbally abused. Repeatedly. Now I am angry.

The "bench". Yes - i should name the sport I guess - its ice, ice-hockey, ice-skating/ice rink. We are speaking of the seating here - the three one-under-each-other type seating around the rink. DS was sitting on the top bench. Their abandoned drink was on bottom bench - my elbow knocked it over. Pram was on my left just under/in front of bottom bench.

I will speak to DS today after school. I think I was desperate in the moment to not appear shaken/upset.

Thanks everyone.

This is very useful. thank you.

As soon as she started screaming and swearing at my child I would have told her it wasn't my rubbish, I was just kindly alerting her to the fact something was spilling on her baby and walked off. And told dc not that mummys are like dragons but that that mummy was rude. Some people want drama, they love making a scene out of a non-issue or simple interaction. I don't engage.

Please give your child a big hug and make sure they know they haven't done anything wrong here. You don't need to reiterate anything about new mums - she was out of order. Your poor kid.

I really don't understand why you apologised, why you didn't tell her to FO and why you are getting worked about something that didn't happen and wasn't yours or your son's fault?

I agree with everyone saying that you can say to your son that she should not have spoken like that, especially to him. I think your explanation of why mums can get fierce was good for helping him make sense of it, but I think without ‘but it’s not ok to shout and swear at other people who meant no harm’ - he’s probably a bit bewildered. Poor wee guy. I’d also say that the drink shouldn’t have been there and this is why we always put drinks in a safe place etc, to try and prevent accidents.

If you see her again I’d be civil but not put up with any abuse, seek out centre staff if need be.

You gave her far more consideration than I would have. In fact I would have reported her rather than rushing around with first aid etc. as soon as I knew the drink was cold I would have said my sorry and left, went to report her and would have been angry at her behaviour enough to report to the coach of her child. What a disgusting woman to behave this way

you sound like a very kindhearted and caring person and your DC sounds so sweet 💐 so glad the baby is okay but it is an honest mistake and wouldn’t have happened if she had kept an eye as she should have - absolutely not your/your DC fault and it’s a really awful way to speak to you both, you’re right that it’s far more a reflection on her own feelings and not on your actions, but you didn’t deserve that and I hope you both feel better soon🩷

I think you've been too nice. I would've done the same as you initially, alerted mum, checked temp and apologised. I'd have walked away as soon as the shouting and swearing started, possibly after telling her she is overreacting and not to speak like that in front of children. I would've told my DC she was an awful woman who can't control her temper. How was shouting and swearing protecting her child? She just sounds like a thug.

There was open drink on a bench, I assume it was the floor as footwear knocked it over and it went on her baby so how was that your fault you are acting like you poured it over the baby’s head
If her baby was unattended that’s on her she should have been present to notice what is dropping on her child’s head.
iI wouldn’t have apologised profusely and stuck around to be called those names in front of my children.
I would have said there’s open drinks lying around on the floor and it’s dripping on your child.