Your thoughts on somethin that happened yesterday

[Peurbhoy]

NC-ed for this and will change a few details. Yesterday I was at a sports arena waiting for DC10 to finish their sport. DC came out and sat on the top benches outside the arena and I was helping them take off the gear. Very busy surrounds - lots of kids entering and leaving arena and lots of parents nudging them along/helping etc. I suddenly noticed that DC's footwear had nudged to its side an open cup of drink that had been left by someone on one of the benches. The last bits of what presumably was someone's hot chocolate. To my absolute horror I then saw that there was a pram underneath the bench and inside said pram was a little baby. The dregs of the drink had dripped on to the pram and the baby's forehead. I was horrified - I immediately alerted the mum and put my hand straight into the drink/cup to test the temperature (cool). I apologised profoundly - and it turned out that the drink had been left atop the baby's pram by one of the older kids of the mum/her group. I asked repeatedly if the baby is ok and checked the temperature of the spills over and again.

The mum - very understandably- absolutely lost it at me. Called me "fucking disgusting" about ten times and then started calling DC "fucking horrible". DC burst into tears. I kept apologising, saying I understand, I am a mum myself - I am so sorry. I said It wasnt my drink (it was her older child's drink left there) - and please should we get a staff member with first aid kit to check the baby. The woman kept screaming "fucking idiot" and "fucking cunting disgusting" at DC who was crying by now.

I went over to the reception desk and asked for a team member to please come - and said what had occured and to please bring a first aider to check the baby just in case. I knew the liquid wasnt hot, but I still felt like because of how small the baby is she should at least be seen to. The woman kept screaming "fucking cunting idiot" and once I knew the staff had reached them and baby had been checked (baby was fine) - I left with a terrified DC.

I kept reminding DC - mummies are like dragons, imagine being a new mummy, and seeing the horror of a drink (of unknown temperature) spilling on your baby - you'd be terrified and I know I would be so worried. DC kept asking why did she keep swearing at DC and me despite our efforts - i kept reiterating mums feel fierceley and rightly protective of tiny, vulnerable things.

I cannot get past this replaying in my head. I have shed many tears of shame/remorse/worry about it. DH and a friend both think it wasn't wise of them to leave a baby in a pram under a bench and one of their kids' drinks on said bench - but I cannot get past the horor that I/DC had knocked a drink on to a baby, and the absolute swearing/screaming in a public place that happened to us. And whether I could have done something else that I didn't do?

We have to go back to the arena because 1) DC has lessons in that sport 2) DC's sibling has lessons in anothrer sport same place and 3) they both practice the sport there. DC has also worryingly asked me if they see us again if they will put a drink on DC. I brushed that thought away and said they wouldnt even recognise us but DC piped up with our ethnicity and that we are possibly more easily rememberable (!) in our town. I am sad that such a thought has even crossed DC mind.

Sorry for the essay but I am so shaken/upset/mortified I just wanted some views on what else I could have done.

Not to mention two of my cousins have had newborns of late and really relying on me on whatsapp for BF-ing, post birth queries and support - and I am horrified thinking I could have done this to their newborns, or what they'd think of me if they ever found out.

See, even toddlers think she is BU

Thanks everyone. You have really helped. If anything maybe i should have attended to my own DS a bit more when he was crying and asking things like "But is using the F word 5 times illegal? X in school said using the F word more than 4 times is illegal" which is all heartbreakingly sweet but I kept explaining the PoV of the mum to him so that he wouldnt think he'd been verbally abused (i mentioned mums fiercely protective, she didnt know how hot or not, she's just had a baby, must be so tired/so sleep deprived etc). I will speak to him again today.

Why was it your fault. She left her baby under a bench and her kids left the drink there . Not your fault.

The woman behaved really badly. If she’s that fierce how would feel if someone called her child those names.
no excuse and you acted just as you should with no harm. I would’ve just wiped it off my baby and moved on.

If you ever experience anything like this again, and I sincerely hope that you don't, I would say as soon as somebody becomes verbally aggressive, that is the moment to stop interacting with them and prioritise your child's safety by moving them away.

I know in the moment, sometimes that kind of thinking won't occur and we go automatically into apologetic/people pleasing mode, but from my completely detached position, I would think that walking away would be the sensible course of action.

If DC was older, like 15/16 then you might want to go with the more nuanced trying to see mum's side. At 10 it makes sense to keep it more simple - yes the mum had a shock and was upset, no it wasn't OK of her to scream and shout. Absolutely not. That kind of thing is not OK and she was wrong.

But he had been verbally abused. Worried and sleep deprived or not, repeatedly swearing at a child is not acceptable. Don't make excuses for her. Otherwise you're teaching him that you should let bullies walk all over you.

Teach him that what she said was wrong and unfair and he's totally reasonable to feel upset and angry.

Just too much, you don’t need to be verbally abused.

The woman is not a protective mummy dragon, she’s clearly immature and lacks the ability to articulate herself well and resorts to using foul language. probably to hide her embarrassment that her child caused this
problem and she herself was not watching the tiny baby and had to be alerted by someone else that there was a potential danger.

I'm sorry this was such a horrid experience for you but really doesn’t sound like you’re at fault. how can you even know you spilt the drink? Anyone could’ve knocked it over at any time.

I definitely wouldn’t have put up with her speaking like that near my child let alone to my child.

It really isn’t you who should feel ashamed in this situation, hope you and dc can move past this and there are no more interactions with this woman and her kids.

The thing is, while it's nice of you to be understanding you don't want to teach him to be a door mat and make excuses for people's behaviour. They do it at school all the time. X child punched them in the face and they are told x just need to learn how to manage their big feelings. They havent learned not to hit. Me, it's okay to be angry but its not okay to hit people. It's unacceptable behaviour. Don't make excuses for other peoples shit behaviour.

OP sorry but I’m really struggling to picture this. The baby was in a pram under a bench? You thought your daughter’s footwear had knocked a drink on the bench which dripped down but it turned out to be from a drink left on the pram? I don’t see how it’s your mistake at all then? If there’s loads of kids bustling around surely anyone could have knocked it.
The woman sounds unhinged and IMO should be banned from the venue for shouting those obscenities at and around children.
Accidents happen and she clearly wasn’t minding her children properly. Put it out of your mind💐

I kept explaining the PoV of the mum to him so that he wouldnt think he'd been verbally abused

I actually think the opposite would be helpful. He was verbally abused, and it was wrong. It shouldn't have happened, however it did. Pretending that it was OK or justifiable does not make it better, it is actually more confusing and upsetting for him. Remember that your job as a mum is not to prevent anything bad ever happening to your child, and you have not failed because something upsetting happened. Your job is to help him process and move through the experience, and that means acknowledging that it was upsetting.

No idea why you said she behaved “understandably” or told your DC that she was just “being a mummy dragon”. It was cold bit of drink ffs and only where it was due to either her or one of her other kids putting it there.

You should’ve told her to stop with the dramatics past the initial apology and told your DC that some people are just weirdos and that you don’t have to tolerate unwarranted abuse. This weird concept that women don’t have to be accountable for unreasonable behaviour they display when in the company of their children because “they are just a fierce mummy bear!” is absolute nonsense and needs to stop.

I think it was like seating that is on steps so each level is higher than the seats in front.

The woman was out of order. She was probably worried and cross with herself/older child and took it out on you.

Totally missing the point of the thread - but how do you fit a pram under a bench??

Eh, what you feeling shame for? It was her kids drink, she should have been the one watching and she abused you and your kid.

I wouldn't have repeatedly apologised, a heads up and then a rather large fuck off if she carried on like that.

Stop making excuses for her behaviour to your kid. She was out or order and kids need to know that.

It sounds as if the woman spent more time swearing at you than she did checking her baby was OK. What kind of person puts their baby under a bench?

I'd just blank her next time but I'd also stick with other adults who will back you up.

But he has been verbally abused, so don't gaslight him. You could say something along the lines of, "She should not have shouted or used those words, it was very unkind and scary of her. She was upset but she should not have spoken to you like that and made you so frightened. That wasn't nice or fair. We don't attack other people like that, even when we feel sad or angry." Validate your child's feelings, please.

I think her behaviour was absolutely disgusting, OP. First of all, who puts a baby under a bench? Then doesn't watch to see her child put a drink on the bench? But most of all, who speaks like that to anyone, let alone a child? Awful.

Her behaviour was appalling. She's the one who's 'cunting disgusting' for screaming and swearing at an innocent child and in front of loads of other kids.

It was her kid who put a drink on top of the baby's pram so they're the one who was at fault anyway.

You have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. To be honest if the staff witnessed her outburst she may no longer be welcome.

I do find it very sweet your DS thinks its illegal to swear in public. (I know it can be if used to harass etc. I just meant the general "is swearing in public illegal" comment).

But, yea, stop thinking you needed to defend her to your DS. And dont waste any more energy ringing the centre etc. Just forget about the crazy woman and move on.

The words quoted in your first para are totally uncalled for - it's not like you saw a baby in a cot and deliberately tipped a drink on them. The baby wasn't immediately visible, the drink was left right above the baby, it's a busy area, and accidents happen!
The mum sounds like a nightmare - imagine using such foul language around children!
I really feel for you, and your poor 10 yr old DC, having an adult screaming vile abuse at them. If she starts on you again when you're there, report her straight away. She'll probably get banned.
💐

Yes I thought that but if the drink was actually on the pram how does she know her daughters footwear knocked it? Anyone could have nudged the pram causing it to fall? Surely footwear is the most unlikely culprit?

I would think her reaction, which was vile and unacceptable and disproportionate etc etc, was because ultimately it was primarily her error and her responsibility and could have had serious consequences. She may be especially anxious and overwhelmed likely sleep deprived mum of a new baby which might contribute.

Comfort your DC as you did is all you can do.
You were both attacked, her baby was not.
Thank goodness baby was ok.

As far as going back is concerned I would actually take another adult with you for confidence and as a witness incase she attacks you again. Though hopefully we will be contrite once she has calmed down and though about it.

Why on earth did you stick around for so long? Why didn’t you get your dc out of there asap as soon as she showed herself to be a lunatic?? And then you minimise her behaviour to your dc! Your dc knows they were subjected to horrific behaviour, acknowledge that!

Sounds like she realised she fucked up, leaving her baby under a bench and not keeping track of where her child's drink was, so she had to go absolutely nuclear as a total deflection strategy. I'd class this as an accident thankfully one with no harm done, but if I had to blame anyone, I'd blame her. If this sport involved a ball, anything could have been knocked off the bench and the person with the hot drink should make sure it's somewhere safe.

?!