Your thoughts on somethin that happened yesterday

[Peurbhoy]

NC-ed for this and will change a few details. Yesterday I was at a sports arena waiting for DC10 to finish their sport. DC came out and sat on the top benches outside the arena and I was helping them take off the gear. Very busy surrounds - lots of kids entering and leaving arena and lots of parents nudging them along/helping etc. I suddenly noticed that DC's footwear had nudged to its side an open cup of drink that had been left by someone on one of the benches. The last bits of what presumably was someone's hot chocolate. To my absolute horror I then saw that there was a pram underneath the bench and inside said pram was a little baby. The dregs of the drink had dripped on to the pram and the baby's forehead. I was horrified - I immediately alerted the mum and put my hand straight into the drink/cup to test the temperature (cool). I apologised profoundly - and it turned out that the drink had been left atop the baby's pram by one of the older kids of the mum/her group. I asked repeatedly if the baby is ok and checked the temperature of the spills over and again.

The mum - very understandably- absolutely lost it at me. Called me "fucking disgusting" about ten times and then started calling DC "fucking horrible". DC burst into tears. I kept apologising, saying I understand, I am a mum myself - I am so sorry. I said It wasnt my drink (it was her older child's drink left there) - and please should we get a staff member with first aid kit to check the baby. The woman kept screaming "fucking idiot" and "fucking cunting disgusting" at DC who was crying by now.

I went over to the reception desk and asked for a team member to please come - and said what had occured and to please bring a first aider to check the baby just in case. I knew the liquid wasnt hot, but I still felt like because of how small the baby is she should at least be seen to. The woman kept screaming "fucking cunting idiot" and once I knew the staff had reached them and baby had been checked (baby was fine) - I left with a terrified DC.

I kept reminding DC - mummies are like dragons, imagine being a new mummy, and seeing the horror of a drink (of unknown temperature) spilling on your baby - you'd be terrified and I know I would be so worried. DC kept asking why did she keep swearing at DC and me despite our efforts - i kept reiterating mums feel fierceley and rightly protective of tiny, vulnerable things.

I cannot get past this replaying in my head. I have shed many tears of shame/remorse/worry about it. DH and a friend both think it wasn't wise of them to leave a baby in a pram under a bench and one of their kids' drinks on said bench - but I cannot get past the horor that I/DC had knocked a drink on to a baby, and the absolute swearing/screaming in a public place that happened to us. And whether I could have done something else that I didn't do?

We have to go back to the arena because 1) DC has lessons in that sport 2) DC's sibling has lessons in anothrer sport same place and 3) they both practice the sport there. DC has also worryingly asked me if they see us again if they will put a drink on DC. I brushed that thought away and said they wouldnt even recognise us but DC piped up with our ethnicity and that we are possibly more easily rememberable (!) in our town. I am sad that such a thought has even crossed DC mind.

Sorry for the essay but I am so shaken/upset/mortified I just wanted some views on what else I could have done.

Not to mention two of my cousins have had newborns of late and really relying on me on whatsapp for BF-ing, post birth queries and support - and I am horrified thinking I could have done this to their newborns, or what they'd think of me if they ever found out.

Your child was verbally abused and you’re trying to explain to them that the mum was somehow justified?

She wasn’t. Not by a long shot. She might have been scared and probably feeling pretty guilty but it was a knocked over piece of rubbish, her child was fine, but she acted like your child deliberately went and poured something on her baby. Please don’t encourage your child to ignore their feelings when they’re attacked in public. It’s ripe for encouraging anxiety rather than alleviating it.

Your only mistake was not walking away the second she started effing and blinding at you

If she is that protective of her baby the baby should be out of its pram and with her. Maybe she was annoyed about the stain from the hot chocolate though? Clutching at straws here!

Nothing warrants that language - especially in front of your daughter! Her response wasn’t remotely proportional. She spoke to you awfully, that’s never justified. I feel so sorry for you and your daughter being exposed to such language and aggression and wish you’d removed yourself from her vicinity faster instead of allowing her to speak to you like that, you did not deserve that and it was not ok.

If anyone was at fault, it sounds like it’s her and her daughter, and I hope once the shock of the aggression shown at you has worn off you see that.

Personally I wouldn’t have justified that mums behaviour, you can be angry and protective but it’s no reason to be so unkind.

Also sorry to hear your daughters concerns that you are more recognisable because of your ethnicity, that must be hard.

This is an important point - try to validate to your daughter that her reaction was right and the way you were both spoken to was not ok or acceptable whatever the reason ❤️

Sounds like a load of fuss over nothing. Baby was fine, didn’t need a first aider, just a wash cloth. Complete overreaction on all parts.

Awful woman. I can't see that you did anything wrong at all. The drink should not have even been there, that was her fault really anyway and her language was shocking.

Honestly what a load of drama around an absolute non event. Check the temperature of the drink, establish it's cold, apologise once, sorry we knocked over this drink that has been left and your baby has some hot chocolate on their face. Goodbye.

The moment she started screaming you should have removed your child from the situation immediately, I have no clue why you tried to placate her or apologise further, she sounds absolutely mental. The baby was fine so you had no reason to remain there. Your child was upset and that is your priority, not some nutty woman's kids who probably have a lot more to worry about than split hot chocolate, with a mother like that

It was 100% her fault. She was mad because she was guilty as anything.

Im thinking stadium type seating where OP was a level above these people putting the baby below.

It came to mind as I was at an event a few months back where I stood up out of my seat quickly and knocked the beer out of the hand of the man sat behind as it was above my head. I apologised and offered to replace it and he laughed and said not to worry and he shouldn’t have been leaning forward with it. A very civilised interaction like the one OP could’ve had with this woman had she not flipped out.

This sums it up perfectly.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 at "....and your baby has some hot chocolate on their face. Goodbye"

This was totally unacceptable and an overreaction from this woman. I agree with those who say she probably lashed out because she realised she should have been more observant and noticed where the drink was left and not left the baby where it was.
The only thing I can think of that might slightly excuse the reaction is, if she has a small baby, could she have PND? Still an overreaction but could be an explanation.

If the first apology isn't accepted, grovelling never helps.

Actually your son is right. Verbal abuse of that nature, especially towards a child, is illegal under the Public Order Act. Unlikely that someone would be prosecuted but you could report it to the police.

It was disgusting of her to swear at you like that. I dare say she was the type who’d have just left that litter there, too. Such types of behaviour often go together.
Please don’t fret yourself about it any more.

Yep this.

Someone said earlier that you need to train yourself to apologise once, fully and sincerely, and then stop - which is good advice.

You also need to train yourself to stop catastrophising. (Sorry, that's probably not a real word, but you know what I mean). Looking at it realistically, a hot drink left outside with the lid off isn't going to remain hot enough to hurt even a new born for very long. You're imagining all sorts of horrible potential outcomes (as only mothers can!), but realistically they are unlikely and you need to stop beating yourself up about it.

And yes, I agree with your later comment that, once it was clear that the baby was ok your focus should have moved to protecting yourself and your DC from the very nasty behaviour directed at you (probably by removing yourselves).

But reassure yourself that it was an accident, that no harm was done (to the baby at least), and that you did the right thing in reporting it to the staff.

The woman was scared and very obviously negligent. If a drink could fall on the baby so could mud or even a shoe. What if someone dropped a full mug of scalding liquid up there rather than dregs. Shame on her.
I think you explain to your child that the woman lost control because she was scared and she’d put her baby somewhere unsafe and then you both try to forget it.

I’d go back as soon as possible and put on your best competent nonchalant face so the kids forget it as soon as possible. My ds had a woman shout outrageously at him once in the supermarket (she was obviously not rational). I stopped taking him for a few weeks and it was a terrible mistake. It took years to undo.

Why on earth did you apologise to her?
It was her own kids drink that had been carelessly discarded. Not your responsibility at all.

You sound like a neurotic parent to be honest.

As soon as the rude woman started losing her shit, you should have got up and walked away instead of pandering to her nonsense.

Sense check
Am I the only one who would have checked the temp of the drink, realised it was cold, furtively wiped any visible bits off the baby, replaced the cup and then hurried from the scene?

Who has a newborn in a pram under benches with a hot (at somepoint) drink on top. She really should pay attention to her surroundings. Especially as it was her child who left the drink.
The language she used is awful . Especially in front of children.
You did everything you could have done. It was an accident.

This. Can’t believe you were so charitable in explaining why she acted the way she did to your child, a dragon indeed, she was just absolutely horrible and I’d have said as much to my child. She sounds utterly unhinged, especially acting that way and using language like that around children. I certainly wouldn’t have hung around apologising and allowing her to act that way towards my child.

I agree with previous posters that you should explain to your DS that you have thought more about what happened and that you should have been clearer to him that the woman's reaction to him was rude, aggressive and unacceptable. And that even if people are upset, shouting and swearing at children isn't ok, and that she was wrong. You should be clear that he did not deserve to be spoken to like that.

The mother knew she had done two stupid things. Leaving the baby's pram under a bench. Allowing her other child (?) to leave a drink above the pram. Oh, and a third, she wasn't watching the pram.
So she shouted at you and your DC out of her own guilt. You did all the right things. The mother was negligent.