"Sorry I can't make it" why is that not enough for some people? or 'no'

[PollyBell]

If someone says this to me I accept it and move on, I would like for people to accept it in return but there are so many examples why people have to turn it into a thing why is it not enough

Yes if I am sat waiting at restaurant at 12 and they text me at 11:50am it would be annoying but I presume they have their reasons

but even for other reasons why is 'no' not enough for people

If someone said to do you fancy seeing the Rocky Horror Show I would just say no thanks. No reflection on the person, it’s just I loathe the show. If another friend regularly turned down invitations that’s different, and seems more personal. I might not say I loathe that show though as it might seem a bit rude to my friend.

Exactly. It doesn’t mean you don’t like the person. Usually just that particular event. Obviously if you regularly turned down invitations from that person it would more likely be the dreaded MN fazing out.

'Their reasons are irrelevant to me' is pretty harsh. Most people that are meeting up socially tend to take even a mild intrest in whats happening in each others lives and actually like each other 🤷‍♀️

Yes it sometimes feels as though there are a lot of people on MN who don’t actually like or want to spend any time with their so called friends.

You dont have to say you "loathe it"- you could just say "no thanks, rocky horror is really not my thing". Or even, "I am not a fan of rocky horror" or even, " I dont like rocky horror, -but you have a great time!"

None of those are offensive and there is always a middle ground between telling someone you loathe their choice or not saying anything at all!

YABU

It would be extremely rude if you let someone down at the 11th hour, and were too ignorant or arrogant to explain why.

I do understand this pov when you’re someone who has a lot of acquaintances and social events then when people decline but continue with profusely apologising and explaining/sob stories - it can be draining and time consuming especially when you feel obligated to respond emotively to said explanation (even if it’s a simple “sorry can’t, mum’s birthday!” I used to feel like it’s was a bit personal information for someone I barely knew, and felt I had to reply with some kind of emotional support, let alone if they said something bad had happened). But I also had social anxiety and am neurodivergent, and the way to deal with this was to maintain comfortable levels of detachment with every person I knew.
I may now just be high masking or I’ve dealt with my avoidant attachment issues, or both, but I agree with other comments that blunt statements of rejection aren’t the way to go. You do need to show that you value the connection in any way at all.

I would assume you just didn’t want to do something with me if you said that. If you want to stay friends you need more.

Yes, I do loathe the Rocky Horror Show and have my reasons for that which are deep in the past but it is DH and DD’s favourite musical, so they have no idea, I just said, “oh, I saw it years ago and I’m not that keen on it” when they suggested going as my reasons are personal to me and shouldn’t spoil their enjoyment. I’d never just say “no thanks” without some explanation whether it is my nearest and dearest or a work colleague or similar.

You could try: thanks for the invitation, it's not my kind of thing but have fun and let's catch up another time.

Sorry I can’t make it, I’ve got something else on is far more polite than a curt no. If cancelling you need more of an explanation

Exactly - I dont know why people are being so weird about this, its really not difficult.

Its perfectly possible to decline things without acting like an arsehole FGS

If you don’t fancy the invited occasional it’s absolutely fine to say it’s not your kind of thing (or cup of tea if you are British) with a let’s catch up soon and do something else. A few extra words turn what sounds abrupt into a polite rebuttal

Well... in my case I think I start with thoughts of 'No big deal, that's ok'.

However, if it's a pattern and repeated a lot, then this does become a hard line, because it gives the message that my time is fine to dick around with, and - it's not. The imbalance became very clear.

I had this in a friendship that was grounded in a job initially. The person would set up meetings and cancel maybe half the time for 'things that came up'. Ok - that's work, and annoying, but comes with the territory. When I saw them for things that were more social than work, I also saw them delay and cancel on other people with the same kind of complacency. It was interesting to see that this was a big habit they weren't concerned about, and did perhaps 'innocently', but it sure did clarify the sense of (dis)respect that I saw in them and it did change what I was willing to put up with.

Basic two way respect, not one way obedient acceptance with no social communication.

You accept a reasonable attempt at letting people know what has happened and why, they give one.

It doesnt have to be detailed, or give things personal. But there is more than can be given than "I can't make it" for every single possible scenario that could ever exist to fulfil this basic two way respect.

If I invite someone to something and they say, "Sorry, I can't make it," then fair enough.

If I've made plans with someone and they then cancel, especially at short notice, I expect a pretty good explanation of why they aren't coming and without one I wouldn't be likely to see them again.

The person might be having a problem with available money so if this happened to me I would understand but not just before meeting up. They might be unwell on the day so letting the friend know as soon as they can would be helpful.

I think it was the op too. She was standing someone up 10 mins before meeting for lunch and her friend had the audacity to ask why and she didn't have an excuse ready 🤣

At the stage of an initial invitation it’s acceptable to say, sorry I can’t make it.A brief explanation is polite but depending on the nature of the invitation probably not absolutely necessary . Anyone who questions this or argues is being rude. It is however extremely rude to cancel the same day without explanation and I would expect it to be an emergency like a broken down car or sick child.

Ive just had a real life example. Ds1 (aged 16) is going on a half term school trip tomorrow.

'Friend' who is always a bit pushy texted earlier suggesting she and her DH and I am my DH get together for a Valentines brunch. I said no, we we are driving DS to the airport to meet his class and suggested she and I meet next week for coffee. Her response was that how about she and her DH drive us all to the airport (at 6 in the morning) and as we would not doubt be so upset they'd then take us to brunch on the way home at some whatever equivalent of Little Chef there is about nowadays. I texted back and said it was very kind, but at that time it was better if DH, DS2 and I just take DS1 and waved him off. We'd be back much later and suggested again that she and I meet next week. The friend has texted now (I have not answered) saying she could not POSSIBLY let us wave off DS1 on our own, she knew we'd be DISTRAUGHT and they'd take us and we would not have to worry about driving. Now, we are not worried about driving, and the last thing any of us need is to be picked up and transported by a third party who wails and waves at the airport. She's got form for this and I have had to be firm in the past, but it's fucking annoying and exhausting and I very often want to say to her 'I already said no. What do you not understand about that?'. A couple of years ago I had to travel to a private hospital to get results for a possible cancer diagnosis. I wanted to go on my own and eave DH to deal with the needs of the DCs. She was grabbing my hands and sobbing and saying she could never in good conscience leave me to face it alone. I'd not known her that long at that point and my internal response was 'Please just leave me alone, stop inserting yourself'. I promised her I really did want to just go and sort things myself and ended up promising to give her a blow by blow account as to whatever my diagnosis would be as she 'would not rest' until she knew.

Rant over.

I think it depends really.
If someone is arranging a get together with a large group and you respond ‘sorry can’t make it’ … I think that is reasonable !

But if your close friend asks you out, I think ‘can’t make it’ is a bit blunt / rude!

That sounds awful but why are you suggesting meeting for coffee? She sounds like one for a straight “no thanks” and no further encouragement to meet again ever.

Don’t forget, OP has lived in “multiple countries “ so knows what’s what.

It’s not rude to just basically “poser un lapin” at the 11th hour… get with the programme, everyone!

😜

Yes completely concur with you, sincere soul - I believe it's just common decency & respect for others feelings & time -
Also I've generally noticed, it's those souls who do bother to take just a little time, to respectfully give reasons, who are, on the whole more successful in their lives /have lives which run more smoothly -
It's just relational respect & treating others how we'd like to be treated -
Yes, some might not care less about the reasons why plans fall through, but I prefer to err on caution, because not everyone is thick skinned
💚

Why on earth would your friend think you’d be “distraught”, AfternoonTeaAddict? A 16 year old can go away with school for a week without much drama - it isn’t as though he’s going off to war.