"Sorry I can't make it" why is that not enough for some people? or 'no'

[PollyBell]

If someone says this to me I accept it and move on, I would like for people to accept it in return but there are so many examples why people have to turn it into a thing why is it not enough

Yes if I am sat waiting at restaurant at 12 and they text me at 11:50am it would be annoying but I presume they have their reasons

but even for other reasons why is 'no' not enough for people

Perfectly acceptable response to an invitation. 100% unacceptable 10 minutes before you are due to meet someone.

It is in my world. Maybe it's you?

But they could have had an accident, there child was sick, they had a call from their parents care home any number of reasons I don't need to know the reason just they can't make it

I was not asking personally just see it on here mentioned enough that is stands out

Initially saying NO without explanation is enough, yes..

Sometimes offering an explanation is respectful.

It is extremely important that one keeps an agreed appointment and if one has to cancel, gives as much notice as possible, and gives an explanation.
My reasoning is so as to not stuff others around. People make all sorts of adjustments to their day to accommodate a preplanned activity. It is not fair to cause a friend unnecessary expense or to waste their time.

Sorry I can’t make it, as a response to an invitation, is absolutely fine.

Sorry I can’t make it, at 11:50am, when you’re due to meet at 12, is absolutely not fine. Of course you need to explain why in this case!

Giving a bit more detail reassures the other person that you're still interested in social interactions. I think "sorry I can't make it" is fine for work invites but for personal ones, it's rather curt. Most people would add a brief reason like "it's mum's birthday" or whatever. I would stop inviting someone who routinely declined social invitations with just a "no" or "can't make it". It's rude.

And if I cancel any type of appointment, I always give the reason. It's disrespectful of the other person's time to just bin it off without letting them know why.

Of course “no” is often not enough! “Hey-would you like to come out for a drink next Thursday evening?” “No”.

i suppose it depends if you ever want to go anywhere with that person again. If I invited someone out and got that response, I would assume that they didn’t want to spend time with me at all and would not invite them again.

If I invited someone somewhere and they just said “no” I probably wouldn’t bother asking again.

Whereas if they said “ah sorry, that’s not my cup of tea but we could do X” instead?” it’s much more polite and less of a rejection.

If anyone cancelled on me with 10 minutes notice and no explanation I’d probably not bother with them again either - it’s rude.

This.

If I suggest meeting someone and they just say 'I'm sorry I can't make it' then I assume that they don't want to meet me. Which is fine, if that is what they want to convey.

If you do want to meet the person at another time then you need to add a bit of extra info and express a desire to see them when you can make it.

Cancelling an already agreed meet up without a reason is rude.

I think it depends on the relationship too. If I invited close friends to do something and they said 'no' or 'i can't make it' with no further explanation I'd be pretty hurt and perplexed actually. As others have said, I'd assume they don't really have any interest in seeing me. Same for if we'd arranged something and they had to cancel and they just said they couldn't make it.

If it was a work thing or a large group of acquaintances then I don't suppose I'd be bothered as it wouldn't feel remotely personal

“Hey you’re my dearest friend, would you do the honour of coming to my special birthday?”
“No.”

There are many Mumsnet truisms that are utter bollocks. “No is a complete sentence” is high up the list.

This would be an interesting question to ask men. Agree with the cancellation last minute after accepting that needs an explanation but I’ve noticed that men who generally aren’t people pleasing martyrs (well haven’t been socialised to be) are far more sparing with their words and a sorry can’t make it suffices. Similarly the man receiving the can’t make it does not read into that that the person hates them , they assume the other person just can’t make it.

And this is why men get on in life better than we do, they dint tend to overthink as much or need constant reassurance that people like them.

Declining is fine, except at short notice. Also I think phoning up and talking to someone instead of a text or email is better.

I have wondered too. But it tends to be only some people in my world. A woman at my choir who has no sense of personal boundaries. I could not make choir one night because I was working 10 miles away and she simply would not take that as the answer. Among other things she variously offered to pick me up from work so I could get to choir (I had my own car), asked why I could not ask to leave early (ummm ), said that as soon as i arrived home her husband would be on my driveway ready to take me post haste to practice. I kept saying no. Then I got a disappointed text saying 'Marian [choir master] was expecting you and so upset you did not turn up' despite the fact that all the exchanges had taken place on the choir whatsapp so everyone knew I was unable to make it.

It still annoys me. But generally I find that if I say 'I can't make this [social event] due to... [insert excuse] ' it's mostly fine.

Cancelling at 10 mins to the meeting time needs an explanation. Sudden illness/accident/flat tyre etc. esp if the person has had to travel to the meeting point. I’ve had to cancel at fairly short notice a couple of times due to illness and I’ve been extremely apologetic- people know I’m not flaky though.

Saying I can’t make it to initial invite is fine, but it would be more polite to offer an alternative date (depends if you genuinely wanted to meet or not). I would never just say ‘no’ in a blunt manner.

Depends on context.
if it's your best friend and you go out together every week, then probably you need a bit more explanation.

If it's a group of colleagues organising an informal meetup after work - then saying "no" (or probably "no thanks") is perfectly fine.

If it's a guy who's been perving on you asking you out then "no" is perfect.

i think OP is talking about the occasions when there isn't really a need to justify (cancelling 10 minutes before the planned meeting would also be another example where you did need a bit more of an explanation).

Is there a specific person in your life who is bulldozing you?

I don’t have any friends who wouldn’t accept “sorry, I can’t make that”. I do agree with PP that a straight “no” means you don’t want that person to invite you anywhere ever again.

When invited perfectly acceptable.

10 minutes before you meet is like a little more info because unfortunately due to mobile phones I have experienced people who’ve just had a better offer and decided last minute to cancel. Those people will be booted form my life but I wouldn’t want to ditch people with genuine reason either.
I wouldn’t expect a breakdown but “cat won’t start - sorry can’t make it” rather than “won’t be there” is the least someone should offer for a last minute cancellation imo.

Wahaha this! Mumsnet and friendship advice is wild!

then I assume that they don't want to meet me.

Madness

Agree with PP that it demonstrates a lack of care or respect for the other person, and in the 10 mins before scenario it's downright rude. If that's what you're looking to convey then fine I suppose.
What is annoying is when you do provide an explanation but the other person won't accept it and continues to badger. But that doesn't seem to be the kind of scenario the OP is describing.