"Sorry I can't make it" why is that not enough for some people? or 'no'

[PollyBell]

If someone says this to me I accept it and move on, I would like for people to accept it in return but there are so many examples why people have to turn it into a thing why is it not enough

Yes if I am sat waiting at restaurant at 12 and they text me at 11:50am it would be annoying but I presume they have their reasons

but even for other reasons why is 'no' not enough for people

I think there is difference between declining an invitation and letting someone down at short notice if you have already agreed to meet.

How I handle things very much depends on the person. My friends are pretty respectful so if we're trying to make arrangements neither party feels the need to be secretive about existing plans because, "I can't do Tuesday; the car is in for a service" doesn't result in "can't you book it in for another day". We just move on and try to find a mutually convenient date. With pushy people I just say I'm not available, if they ask why I tell them I'm already busy. They usually give up after three evasive responses.

"I can't make it" without further explanation, 10 minutes before you are due to meet someone is just rude.

I think it depends a lot on the nature of the relationship and the catch up. If I'm seeing a work connection on a working day and they cancel last minute I don't expect anything more than ' somethings come up'. But if a friend cancels on a non working day then I'm worried and of course want to see if there is anything I can do to help them out because my friends don't cancel unless something has gone wrong!

You’re sounding quite confused and all over the place.

Surely you can see the difference between your two scenarios and the need, in the second case, to offer a proper apology and explanation?

How much experience do you have carving out a social life for yourself?

If I had to cancel something ten minutes beforehand I would absolutely explain why so yes, I would expect to be given a reason the other way around as well. If they didn't want to give one that's their prerogative but I wouldn't be pretending everything was cool.

All good here, having lived in multible countries I would say pretty good

You can't care about your friends much if their reasons for cancelling at short notice are irrelevant to you.

I'd be very concerned an emergency had come up and want to check they're okay.

But I can't think of any time a friend has cancelled at such short notice (less than an hour). Usually if plans change you have a couple of hours as a heads up.

Depends on context.

If I invite someone and they decline with that, fine. Absolutely fine.

If they accept and then change their mind I do sometimes follow up with "oh no, how come?" Because were friends, we had a commitment and generally my friends are reliable and id worry if we had plans and they just said "sorry I cant make it."

Terry Wogan's "subsequent engagement"...

Are you my friend? She has become increasingly like this. We have a small whats app group - quite close and known each other for a long time.
i realised the other day that after several quite rude and abrupt refusals we tend to not use the whats app & text each other. I guess this is what happens in most scenarios.

As many have said, if someone answers my invitation with 'Sorry, I can't make it' and no further explanation, and no offer to do something else/ meet another time, I would understand they don't want to see me, and would not invite them again. As for cancelling an already established meeting/date without an explanation is very. very rude.

I mean you can decline as many invitations as you like but you can't really expect to have friends for long if you're going to be so rude that you cancel an arrangement 10 minutes before you were meant to meet and won't even explain yourself.

People seem to think it's cool and 'edgy' to be so dismissive of their friends/family. 'Oooo look at me I'm setting boundaries' 🙄 when really you're just being antisocial and self absorbed. The thing is you aren't the queen and other people have lives. They have jobs and families and their time is valuable too. If you don't have a mutual respect for this then you might as well admit that there is no friendship there.

I have a VERY unreliable friend. I swear she waits to see how she feels and how her day is going. She won’t commit to anything and I find it really frustrating. I decided to be similar with her. But I give days notice unlike herself who decides on the day. I have only flaked on her twice and she gives me the third degree. Needs to know why. Needs details. It’s annoying considering she bails 9/10 times on me.

I had to cancel on my friend last night because the path was flooded, I didn't know that and to go back on myself and walk through the town centre would have taken nearly an hour. She dropped off my dinner instead, but I phoned her to explain the (ridiculous) situation. It was dark as well, so I couldn't really see where I was going, otherwise I'd have just got my feet wet!

To be fair, this person has written something sensible, posh or not.

The problem is that the inviter is usually someone I like a lot but what they want to do isn’t my thing. If I know them well I can sensibly (nicely) say “I’m sorry but I don’t want to do naked skydiving. It just isn’t for me” and most people are okay with that. A few try to persuade me though and it gets annoying. So a “Unfortunately I can’t make that. I hope you all have a great time!” will almost always be to someone I like and want to see - just not that.

How on earth is that posh?!

Saying "one" is simpler than saying "you" in a sentence such as "You should decline an invitation in good time". The "you" sounds accusative to the other person. Whereas "One should decline an invitation in good time" is merely stating a fact about good manners.

That you think its posh says more about YOU than YOU think.

This. Personally I think if someone's being messed about, the 'messer' owes the 'messee' some kind of explanation, it's basic common courtesy.

Is this really what it's come to nowadays, that using correct English is becoming viewed as 'posh'? What a depressing thought.

If someone says "Can I punch you in the gob?" or "Can I put my hand up your skirt?" then No definitely is a complete sentence. You're not going to give them an explanation as to why not, are you?

Shame OP didn’t switch on voting.

Sounds to me as if she has some growing up to do…

Same here. It would be completely out of character for one of my friends to cancel 10 mins prior to meeting up with me because they aren't dickheads so if they did, I would know they had a genuine emergency and would be concerned about them and wanting to know if I could help in any way.

Some of us do actually care about the people in our lives 😆honestly, the way people talk about out their own friends on here is laughable - as if they care more about a piece of dirt in their shoe than their actual friends

I remember a person (many years ago) who posted in her OP that she thought it was rude not to get a reason when declining an invitation. After quite a lot of chat, she said that the person she’d invited had said “I’m sorry but we have plans then”. When people said that was a reason and what more did she want, she said that if she’d been told what the plans were, she could have suggested ways to make it work regardless.

You're arguing against yourself here: If it is an accepted social convention in some cultures (Britain, at the very least) then it's not actually madness then is it?

I don’t think no in this context is what MN is talking about. It’s almost always to shut down CFs or people who will try to argue you out of your reason. In those situations it’s quite useful to be curt as you don’t particularly want them to repeat their request (summons).

It certainly doesn’t apply to the kind of scenario where you leave someone waiting to meet you for a pre-arranged night out or for a special event. In those situations an apology and some kind of explanation is essential. I’ve never heard ‘no is a complete sentence’ suggested for that.

Exactly this.
I receny turned down a work social with sorry I cant make it.
But if its a friend I would have said I would have loved to but I cant because Ive got x