"Sorry I can't make it" why is that not enough for some people? or 'no'

[PollyBell]

If someone says this to me I accept it and move on, I would like for people to accept it in return but there are so many examples why people have to turn it into a thing why is it not enough

Yes if I am sat waiting at restaurant at 12 and they text me at 11:50am it would be annoying but I presume they have their reasons

but even for other reasons why is 'no' not enough for people

It’s rude because it immediately shuts down the conversation. It might not be so bad with colleagues or people you barely know but with friends I would be more inclined, even if I wasn’t giving them an excuse, to say something like ‘sorry I can’t make it but what about this date..’. It leaves the person who put out the invite in an awkward position, particularly if they were just putting out a date for a general catch up! If I received that response I then wouldn’t reply, it ends a conversation.

"Sorry I can't make it" in response to an invite is fine.

"Sorry I can't make it" after accepting an invite, but a day or more ahead - I would expect a reason, not necessarily in detail, but out of politeness. It's not rude to decline an invite, but it is rude to cancel plans. But a vague reason is required imo.

"Sorry I can't make it" 10 minutes before, completely unacceptable unless absolutely emergency. Would probably expect the reason to come later once the person had sorted the emergency though, not instantly.

If it's a message to a single person I agree.
I was thinking about a more general invite to a group. "Going out for drinks on Thursday evening, who would like to come?" - totally fine to say "sorry I can't make it"

Exactly this. I feel rejected very easily so I always offer an explanation if I can't make something even if it's that I'm really tired, or already committed to doing something else.

Without an explanation, the assumption for me is that you don't like me/ you don't want to do what I've asked you to/ something else is more important to you than I am. Of course if it's your mum's birthday so you can't come to mine, that's fine, but if it's just that you can't really be bothered to come, then that means you don't really care about me. I would much rather know how important - or not - I am to you, than have to second guess from a' I can't make it' type of message.

That’s a fine response if you don’t want any friends 😁

Oh yeah i know, I would never commit without knowing, I always say something along the lines of what you said there…but I’d just rather they didn’t do it in the first place!

Yes I would actually agree with that, for example a school parents group or something similar. I always worry about coming across rude so I would probably still follow that up with ‘have fun!’ … but that’s definitely a me problem and likely not required!

Incredibly rude to cancel ten minutes before an appointment without an extremely good reason which, yes, I would expect to be told since I’m probably en route to the meeting or even already there. Sorry I can’t make it and nothing else could mean for any reason from the minor and trivial to the catastrophic. If I’m cancelling with such notice I sure as hell want the person to know it was for a good reason.
It is however totally acceptable to decline an invite in advance without giving a reason. I would tend not to do this to people I’m very close to though. Like if I’m declining to attend my sisters birthday party feel I need to give a reason. Work colleagues or people I don’t know too well, not so much.

DO men get on better in life than we do?? I mean, sure they generally earn more money, but they also have higher rates of suicide, loneliness, die younger and widowed men do much worse than widowed women.

I wouldn’t aspire to be more like a man in my social interactions.

Saying sorry you cant make it without explanation in advance is perfectly fine (i would say it depends on you closeness.relationship to the person though)
With 10 minutes notice, i think not giving an explanation that indicates unavoidability is rude because it indicates you don't value the persons time and is very rude.

It’s just common courtesy. If I was waiting for someone who was late/didn’t turn up the least I’d expect is a reason.

I completely agree. It’s plain rude and will quickly ensure you have only equally rude friends.

You have just answered your own question OP. If someone has spent time and money travelling any distance to meet you and 10 mins out its cancelled while they are sitting waiting, they deserve to be given a reason why. Also they would be pretty pissed and rightly so if its a case of just couldn't be bothered, whereas for any of the above reasons most people would understand. The fact you gave a list of reasons that made not turning up acceptable answers your question.x

If you text “sorry I can’t make it” 10 minutes before meeting someone then I think you owe an explanation! You have wasted their time. If you say you can’t make it and decline an invite in advance then saying you can’t make it is fine.

I have declined invitations by apologising and saying “I’m sorry, I cannot make it”, and it’s not often accepted. I get “oh, just come along for a bit”, “I’ll pick you up and we can go together “, “it will be so much fun, why don’t you want to go?” Just accept I can’t go and leave it at that

This used to drive me mad with kids' birthday invitations, from both sides.

'My precious angel can't make it and here's a 10 minute explanation why' - I DON'T CARE.
Or me, with lots of notice: 'Sorry my dd/ds can't make it.' 'But whyyyyyyyyy?' Argh.

I can stay in my house till 1 minute before I pop into my next door neighbour's she could stay in her house until 1 minute before popping into mine. With everyone else, by 10 mins before we meet:

• I've left home and have done a considerable part of the journey to their house
• They've left home and have done a considerable part of the journey to my house
• We've both left home and done a considerable part of the journey towards where we are meeting
• These journeys have likely used fuel, or a bus ticket, or a train ticket, or a taxi fare.

Put simply it is just extremely RUDE to tell a friend they don't need to have spent effort and/or money to see you, AFTER they have already spent that effort or money or both. If you HAVE to cancel, your friend deserves to know that you've HAD no option but to do so. If you don't want them to then it looks likely that you don't value their time, energy and resources at all. If I made it look like that, I would expect them not want to carry on being friends.

You are totally not getting the point.

Really? You must know some awful people.

ive never had a boundary fro anything in my life- I was alwasy building bridges. it all came back to bite me though when I had a truly catastrophic breakdown because id not looked after myself.

Well it depends on the situation doesn’t it?

If you ask someone whether they are free to do something and they say no, then fair enough. No explanation needed.

On the other hand, if you have made plans with someone and are letting them down / inconveniencing them by changing said plan, then it is just basic manners to provide and explanation.

I'm sorry to hear that. My mantra is really balance in all things. I think it's right not to be a martyr or people pleasery but I do see downright selfishness and rudeness advocated on here quite a lot these days and in particular #bekind used as an insult. I don't think we should be throwing the baby out with the bathwater. A bit of kindness and yes, putting yourself out on occasion whether socially or otherwise, makes the world run more smoothly.

I agree! completely. id never want to be like that. I just wish id looked after myself a bit more but that is mostly in my marriage in any case rather than socially

It's all about context: a group meet, then fine.

If it's an invite to a single person, or an important event eg wedding, big birthday, it's normal to provide context why attendance is not possible. If the above was the reply I would assume something was off.

Last minute cancellation, then yes absolutely should be a good reason.

Agree OP, but can see it from both sides.
I'd always give an explanation to close friends and family out of respect.

As others have said, if I got a No. I'd assume they were trying to get rid of our friendship.

I'd say something like, sorry can't make it, but have a great time. Not just a curt No.

I've also learnt not to give reasons to pushers as they will always try and find a solution for me, even if sometimes it's a fake polite reason.