"Sorry I can't make it" why is that not enough for some people? or 'no'

[PollyBell]

If someone says this to me I accept it and move on, I would like for people to accept it in return but there are so many examples why people have to turn it into a thing why is it not enough

Yes if I am sat waiting at restaurant at 12 and they text me at 11:50am it would be annoying but I presume they have their reasons

but even for other reasons why is 'no' not enough for people

That's choirs for you, attracts strange, strange people. Not everyone, of course, but it's a magnet for control freaks for some reason.

It isn't madness. It is completely standard social convention and if you don't know that you haven't picked up on social norms.

It entirely depends on the recipient. For close friends I’d always feel they deserve an explanation, for people who’d use the information to pick holes in your non attendance I don’t give an explanation. I think it is entirely reflective of the relationship with the person

If it's a friend, it's rude - you need to offer some explanation. If it's colleagues / acquaintances then it's fine.

@6pluseleven to be honest.....

My New Year's Resolution is actually to quit it. Partly because of this woman overtsepping boundaries constantly and inserting herself into people's lives inappropriately.

because just no is rude. despite what MN says. it’s very big of you to “assume people have their reasons” but to me just “no” or not turning up is very rude

It's not madness. It's social etiquette; unwritten social rules. I find that a lot of autistic people seem to do this and think it's ok which makes sense really as social rules are complex.

In material terms yes but men report higher rates of loneliness and social isolation so maybe they have something to learn about building friendships. "I can't make it" is the equivalent of "I'm washing my hair" - a brush off, and could be a bit hurtful depending on the context. Why not provide an explanation, if there is one other than "I just don't want to". Otherwise you might as well just say you don't want to.

I sometimes think people are so obsessed with maintaining boundaries they forget to build bridges.

I say no if I don’t want to meet up, no is a full sentence is mumsnet world. I don’t need to explain myself. However i wouldnt leave it to the last ten minutes unless there was an emergency.

It may also be why men rarely have any close friends. And there's a male loneliness epidemic.

It's only polite to give some reason if only sorry I can't make it family disaster, or car won't start. You may not need to know the exact reason but it's nice to know they didn't just dump you because they got a better offer or couldn't be arsed.

If it was a very casual arrangement say coffee at someone's house, can't make it after all is good enough if they are going out of their way to meet you and do a specific thing (lunch or dinner out, cinema, theatre) then not saying why you can't make it is pretty rude.

If I was refusing an invitation, whether I just said ‘Sorry, can’t make it’, explained the reason or suggested another time would depend on who it was & how I felt.

If I was cancelling something I’d already accepted, then I’d give an explanation whatever the circumstances, so it was clear that I wasn’t just picking a better option.

Cancelling on the same day would have to be a major emergency & would definitely call for an apology & explanation.

If it was a friend rather than an acquaintance I'd find a plain "no" rather blunt and rude. "I already have plans" would be fine, I don't need to know what the plans are. But "no" would feel a bit like "I don't want to see you". Maybe I'm over sensitive!

If it was a very casual arrangement say coffee at someone's house, can't make it after all is good enough if they are going out of their way to meet you and do a specific thing (lunch or dinner out, cinema, theatre) then not saying why you can't make it is pretty rude.

But if they’ve arranged to be free, & got cakes or nice biscuits in, it’s still not on to just cancel at the last minute without explaining.

This!

It is completely standard social convention
In your experience.

However the world is a big wide place and norms and cultures vary. There can be situations where it's absolutely ok not to provide an explanation for not being available or not suggesting an alternative date there and then and good friends who trust each other and are not control freaks totally accept that. Not everyone is needy.
edited for typos

If it’s friends then it’s actually quite strange to say no or can’t make it to an invitation with no other explanation.
People who think and say no is a complete sentence mustn’t have many friends tbh.
If it’s an acquaintance then sorry I can’t make it is generally fine
You may not mind that someone cancels when you’re already sitting in the restaurant but the majority of people would unless it was an emergency and it does need an explanation, saying sorry I can’t make it and that’s it , in this instance is incredibly rude.

Sorry I can’t make it is fine if there is plenty of advanced noticed or before the day out is set in stone, but to cancel with 10 minutes to go with the same phrase is just plain rude!

I kind of agree. I wouldn’t just say no or that I can’t make it if I was cancelling plans, I think it’s abrupt/rude and I would be more apologetic. But if you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do or something unreasonable then people should accept the answer.
It’s common to hear “no is a complete sentence”. But if you’re in a situation where you need to hear that, then you’re probably dealing with someone who won’t take no for an answer. Then you get the “Why?” And the “Oh but…”. So you have to give a reason or make something up

It is rude if you have already accepted the invitation and, as in your example, the other person is sat waiting for you. They are owed more than a dismissive sounding sorry, I couldnt make it.

Sorry, I cant make it is what you say when you are first invited somewhere, or with reasonable notice after you said yes.

It would polite in that situation to say 'sorry , I have a family emergency and can't make it'. Why would you NOT do that?

I love this! I can’t drive so I might start telling people my cat won’t start.

But they could have had an accident, there child was sick, they had a call from their parents care home

If your friend has had an accident it would be weird to think "I don't need to know that, just tell me you're not coming" imo!

Yes. How is this hard for anyone to grasp?

Yep and it doesn’t just have to be ten minutes before for the latter.