"Sorry I can't make it" why is that not enough for some people? or 'no'

[PollyBell]

If someone says this to me I accept it and move on, I would like for people to accept it in return but there are so many examples why people have to turn it into a thing why is it not enough

Yes if I am sat waiting at restaurant at 12 and they text me at 11:50am it would be annoying but I presume they have their reasons

but even for other reasons why is 'no' not enough for people

I'd text back "are you ok? can I help?" in those circs.

I agree with this. For me, I wouldn’t be upset at a friend cancelling at the last minute if it was unavoidable and they were apologetic about it. We would just arrange another time. If it kept happening, it would be different obviously, I’d come to the conclusion that they didn’t really want to meet up.

I would always give a reason if I had to turn down an invitation. Why not give a reason after all? Friends talk to each other after all.

I would only say YANBU in the context of a friend refusing to take no for an answer. This is overly pushy and off-putting.

Love this post!! 🙏🙏🙏 I heard someone ask another in a pub "oh why don't you drink?" After they was asked if they wanted to share a bottle of wine?
I gasped, before my brain could stop that from happening and as I was standing next to them but I think it may of inevitably diffused the situation ❤️

If people say they don't drink, just say ok and move on

if people say they can't make just say ok and move on

it's so exhausting

It depends.

Exactly - no is often not a complete sentence

Normally the person having to cancel at such short notice would give an explanation of why they had to cancel.
Would come across rude if they just rang or text to say they could no longer make it.

It's when you say
... I can't make it because... insert reason
And they come up with facilitating suggestions
Urggh

I get what u are saying but if any of these things happened u would just say sorry my child was sick or I had an emergency, I know i would but there are so many shitty people out there that will just not turn up because they don't care that u are sitting there waiting.

A few years ago my sons school friends mum got a job and she asked me to have her 2 boys in the morning before school so she could go to work. We had to get up an hour earlier than usual fir these kids coming round. They came round the first 2 mornings and the 3rd morning they didn't turn up. I text the mum and she said I don't need u today I left the job. It really grates me when someone asks for a favour and u are sitting there waiting to do that favour and she couldn't be bothered to tell me she didn't need me. It's so rude. I consider these people to be takers and don't care if u are inconvenienced.

"I cant make that sorry, but I hope you have a good time" is fine unless you have that person in your life who will try and rearrange your whole life so that you can make it. And wont accept that you may not actually want to tell them the reason, they push and push. I lost my rag with someone like this once (relative) and said "Look, I said I can't go. Why isnt relevant, I am not going so please drop it" all in a perfectly calm voice I didnt get shouty or anything, but I was firm.

They got the massive hump and didnt speak to me for ages (win for me) as she was so massively offended at my perceived "disrespect", especially as she is a generation above me.

😂😂😂😂😂

I mean on Mumsnet just giving clipped no thank you to invitations seems to be fine but so does ignoring your sister ringing the doorbell while you watch TV in full view or sending bank details to someone who ate a Jaffa cake in your house.

Context is everything.

If I invited a good friend to my significant birthday meal out and that's all they sent back then I'd expect they would elaborate at some point. A reply of "oh no, I will be away that night, we will have to do something else to celebrate" or "oh damnit I'm already booked for another friends leaving do, shame - I would have loved to go"

If we had arranged to go to a gig which involved traveling to another city and they cancelled on the day then yes I'd expect an explanation and apology.

But if a colleague said "a few of us are going to the cinema on Thursday if you're interested" then your response would suffice - assuming you don't want to be invited again.

Personally if someone is having to cancel on me at the last moment I'd like the earliest possible notice of that rather than have s long typed explanation that delays the message. And yes, I'd usually expect an explanation later, when that person has dealt with whatever last minute problem caused them to cancel.

I trust my friends to not cancel on me suddenly just on a whim so its prurient to demand more at the time, and it would be arrogant to expect them to waste precious time calling me to explain. I also trust that they haven't known they couldn't come hours before they actually told me.

Similarly, being told "I can't make it, something's come up" adds no extra information - it's kinda self-evident.

As for declining an invitation when it's made, I think it's fine to say "thanks, but that's not for me (this time)". without further explanation. The only time I think an explanation is warranted is if the event itself is unsuitable ("I can't stand golf/art/knitting") and therefore subsequent invitations would always be declined.

This is highly context dependent - including the closeness of the relationship, nature of the invitation and the time of refusal.

Your best friend inviting you to her wedding requires an explanation and a good one if you are refusing it and you want to stay friends

A work acquaintance asking you to group drinks in the pub requires no explanation.

Cancelling on someone at the last minute does require an explanation.

Lots of variables between all of these.

Maybe they just really wanted to see you and are very disappointed. If so, that would make it your fault, being such a wonderful person and all.

Of course you don’t NEED to explain yourself, but context helps oil the wheels of social interactions and friendship.

I agree with this for the most part, but what if it's something private you don't want them to know about? I don't think it's fair you need to divulge your personal business just because someone has asked you to do something. Although in those circumstances I have said 'sorry, I have something else on', which I guess is a bit more of an explanation? But It's never bothered me if someone has said they can't make it with no further details for the reason I mentioned.

Definitely would be rude just to say no!

Yanbu. It’s something I’ve learnt as I’ve got older (and something I teach my kids) - you don’t need to give detailed reasons, a “sorry I can’t make that date” or whatever is fine. Most people aren’t brazen enough to then respond and ask for further explanation.

This.

MN thinks anyone over the age of 10 is entitled/unreasonable/childish/princess-ish for simply remembering they even have a birthday let alone the outrageous cheek of asking others to celebrate with you!! 😃

Please, please, please have a conversation with my sister and explain it is enough.

I will tell my sister that I am on-call and the on call rota is set 3 months in advance so if there are any dates I need free, I have to tell them before they set the rota. My sister keeps organising family events, she invites me and gives me 2 weeks notice, as much as I would love to be there, I cannot. When on call I cannot be more than 30 minutes from the office (I do not drive) and she is 45 minutes away by car.

No is never good enough, we go through the same thing every time, get cover, throw a sicky. Of course if its a funeral, christening etc, I will try and get someone to cover but its a nightmare.

When I was working fulltime and doing a fulltime degree course, my dissertation was due and unlike most fulltime students, I didn't get lots of holidays to do assignments and my dissertation, I had to manage my time to the minute...but no, when sister organised an impromptu BBQ and I declined.....NO, was not a complete sentence in her head, it was a negotiation starting point and she would bombard me with guilt trips etc.

I am an adult, no means no, I maybe just as disappointed as you that I can't attend but its just one of those things. If my attendance is so important to you, check I am free before you set the date!

I agree. A no without explanation to an invitation is absolutely fine. If your wasting someone's time by agreeing and then letting them down on the day they deserve an explanation.

Depends on the situation, an ‘I can’t make it’ to a big birthday a few days before that you’ve previously said you’d be attending is rude. That needs an explanation. To something like a work do then it’s fine.

It is rude af

Totally normal/acceptable when invitation is offered.

Very rude when bailing 10 mins before due to arrive.

I remember when my DC were about 8, thinking many of their friends were lacking in manners and barely used please or thank you between them..... maybe their parents had told them no was a complete sentence...? (I still think its quite rude, in most circumstances!)