"Sorry I can't make it" why is that not enough for some people? or 'no'

[PollyBell]

If someone says this to me I accept it and move on, I would like for people to accept it in return but there are so many examples why people have to turn it into a thing why is it not enough

Yes if I am sat waiting at restaurant at 12 and they text me at 11:50am it would be annoying but I presume they have their reasons

but even for other reasons why is 'no' not enough for people

Yes, the "making up excuse" thing really irks me. Just better to say you can't come, or you don't fancy it this time.

I have a group of friends that I go out with. There is one friend that virtually every time has a "really bad headache" that comes on an hour or so before we meet up. It's totally clear that she just doesn't want to meet with that particular group (she prefers to meet people in ones and twos) so to be honest, we'd all rather she just said that or that she couldn't come than coming up with the "bad headache" excuse (because before we all realised it was an excuse, people were very solicitious about, checking that she was ok etc).

What do you say when you don't want to meet up with someone? The rest of us say 'I'm sorry I can't make it' which is why it is assumed the person doesn't want to meet and therefore you don't push it.

I spent my first 20 Years in the big wide world outside the UK. I now live in London which is the most multicultural place I have ever lived in so I do have some awareness that cultures vary.

It’s a funny thing. I have a friend who, if I say that unfortunately I can’t do XYZ because I’m already doing ABC, will try to reorganise me or convince me that I can do it after all. So I started saying “Unfortunately I won’t be able to make this. I hope you all have a great time” - mainly because it’s more difficult for someone to try to convince you if they don’t know the reason. Although sometimes they will ask.

If I can’t make something, I will quite often say “I already have plans” - I find that a useful phrase. I’d find it really strange if someone asked what the plans are!

If could go, but for some reason I don’t want to see the person or do the thing, how I respond will really depend on the circumstances, the people concerned, whether I might want an invite in future, etc etc. Unless I’m actively trying to freeze someone out of my life, my refusal will be polite, not just “No”.

last minute cancellations I would always give some kind of reason.

that is weird, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this - another case of not reading social cues very well. I probably would do the same as you with someone like this, and be vague if they pressed me on what I was doing.

Well weve all been in the akward situation where someone says something like "What are you doing on saturday" and you worry they are going to blindside you with something you dont want to do. So how do you reply to get out of a request for a bad experience? You can say something like "Well Ive got a few things pending so it depends what your asking me to do". Then if they ask you to help them clean out the garage (or similar) you can reply that you need to keep sayurday open so that will be a no. If they harp on this is the time to state your boundaries. You already said no and resent being harassed. So find a way to end the conversation. Walk away, turn off the phone, or stop texting and block.

See- this is why i always say something like 'I was thinking of going to the farm shop and a dog walk on Saturday- are you free?'. I am a total introvert and hate being ambushed. So i always lay out the details of what it is I am offering.

I also live in a village. Where people fall out with each other very often and you never know who is not speaking to who at any one time. So if i want to invite 3 people to something I will ask the person I want most first, then to the others I will say I've invited Esther and Julia to lunch on Friday. Are you free to join us?'. No surprises. I started doing this after one horrid dinner we got invited to where people had history the hostess was unaware of.

It depends, as others have said a last minute cancellation requires explanation.

If it is still at the making plans stage. If it is something you want to do but can't make that date, then the usual convention is "sorry, can't make the 12th, it's DH's birthday, could we try the following week", but you could always say "that week looks really busy and I'm going to need a quite weekend" even if you don't have a specific clash.

If it is something you don't want to do at all, then saying "sorry, I'd love to see you but paintballing just isn't my thing." That stops them trying to rearrange for a different date.

But then if it's someone you don't want to see at all that's when you just say "no thanks, I can't make it", then they will know not to invite you again.

So generally - if you like the person explain but make it clear whether it's the date or the activity that's the problem. I don't see why you wouldn't offer this courtesy.

Oh yes I hate this! I’ve got a friend who will often text and ask “are you free Sunday?” or “are you free Tuesday 13th?” and I’m always thinking “hmmm…what for?” I want to know what the suggestion is before saying if I’m free or not!

if someone messaged me asking if I was free without saying what it was about, I absolutely would ask for more details before giving my answer. I might be available for a quick coffee but not a long walk. I might be up for a walk with one person but not a meal with six people.

You can answer a question with a question in these circumstances. “what are you planning?” is a totally valid response

In the instance of someone saying "are you free on Sunday, or on May 13th", surely you just ask for clarification, say something like "not sure at the moment, what are you thinking of?". Then if it's something you don't want to do you just say "sorry, it's not my thing" or "sorry, I don't think I can fit that in" or "yes please".

Im not autistic and this would confuse / annoy me too.

needing time to yourself, down time etc is a perfectly valid reason for refusing a casual invitation in my world.

I might be disappointed but I wouldn’t think badly of the person.

people who get the hump are very tiring! As you say friendships and social capacity wax and wane.

I find it helpful to assume such refusals aren’t personal, unless it becomes obvious that they are.

I think ‘sorry I can’t make it’ or just ‘no’ (especially just ‘no’!!) is rather blunt and rude regardless of when you are making plans. I would always give even a vague reason so it didn’t just look like I didn’t want to meet the person. Either of those 10 minutes before being due to meet someone is totally unacceptable.

I know someone who won’t take no for an answer.

Examples have been her adult daughter having a party (a loud raving dance music party which is my idea of hell).

Me: (politely saying) “sorry I can’t make that. Hope you have a good time”.

Her reply: “why can’t you come?”.

Me: “I haven’t got a babysitter”.

Her: “I will tell you who will babysit, Sally will do that”.

Me: “it’s ok, it’s not really my thing anyway.”

Her: “you’re coming and that’s final”.

Another time I politely declined a group meal out (at the time of being asked days before, NOT last minute). She turned up outside my house on her way there demanding I go anyway.

So I know the type you mean, OP.

I think they do it because they are extremely entitled and controlling.

If you cancel an arranged meeting with a friend at the last moment without offering any justification, the message you are sending is 'your time and effort are utterly unimportant to me' which does not tend to nourish the friendship.

After a lifetime of being told that I have to do this and this and this, having any objections quashed I simply didn't know you could just say no and have people respect that. So when people said no to me, I was really confused, and would try to get them to compromise. It's one of the many reasons I'm glad of MN for teaching me that's it's ok to have boundaries and say no.

My SIL did that to me once. She had invited me for brunch at 8 am (she doesn't understand what brunch is). I said no. I struggle to get 2 kids out of the door for 9. She said but it's the weekend. Yes dickhead, that doesn't actually make any difference to my abilities to get out of the door. But she kept going! In the end I told her I didn't love her enough to get out of bed that early. Harsh but true.

“No “is rude ,” sorry I can’t make it “is a reasonable reply to an invite but also extremely rude without further explanation at 11.50 for a 12 restaurant booking

Why is "sorry I can't make it" rude? Surely it's ruder to expect the person to tell you their plans, if they don't want to.

IMO a flat "no" is just rude.

Sorry can't make it ten minutes before lunch deserves an explanation.

Sorry can't make it in advance of an invitation should be accepted and not followed up with "but why?".

To quote a MNism, it's an invitation. Not a summons.

But if you are friends there would usually be no issue saying what your plans are. Even if it's say a medical issue you want to keep private you can just say "oh, I've got an appointment that morning". If I am close enough friends with someone that I'm discussing meeting up I really can't think of any reason other than that why I wouldn't just say, it's just part of the normal interaction between friends.

I mean I don't think you should demand to know why, but it is totally normal for friends to say why unprompted. I would think it a bit stand off-ish otherwise.

That’s the kind of person where No is complete sentence definitely applies.

You don't need to know if people are flaky, selfish and disrespectful of your time?

This. There’s ‘boundaries‘ then there’s just being plain rude. In most cases, an explanation is appropriate whether it be friends, acquaintances or work.