"Sorry I can't make it" why is that not enough for some people? or 'no'

[PollyBell]

If someone says this to me I accept it and move on, I would like for people to accept it in return but there are so many examples why people have to turn it into a thing why is it not enough

Yes if I am sat waiting at restaurant at 12 and they text me at 11:50am it would be annoying but I presume they have their reasons

but even for other reasons why is 'no' not enough for people

I had an event recently, one friend said she can’t make it and didn’t explain why. I didn’t probe further and didn’t think badly of her, but generally my friends and I do provide reasons.

Regarding last minute cancellations why would someone not give an explanation if they couldn’t come? I don’t understand that. Even if they don’t want to be too specific they can say they had an emergency at home for example.

But to not offer any explanation at all about why you have wasted your friends time and money by cancelling last minute is disrespectful and mean-spirited.

I had one friend not show up to meet me for a birthday dinner in my 20s, and when I texted her she said her kids were sick. It was a poor excuse since she had the whole day to text me if that was the case. I just replied to say ok and then I never saw her again.

I rightly assumed she was holding some kind of resentment against me and didn’t reach out any further. I think my assumption was correct as she eventually deleted me from socials that same year. It was actually the second time she had flaked on me while I was waiting for her. I should have taken the hint the first time. To this day I don’t know what her issue was with me but I’m glad she removed herself from my life if she couldn’t face raising it with me.

The point I’m making is last minute cancellations with no or poor reasons given sends a certain message out about how you feel about that person.

So if you don’t want your friend to think you dislike them you should respect their time and effort and give a proper reason.

I would accept it so long as I had been given fair warning and would not expect a reason (there are a variety of reasons ) I would merely reply- no worries, hope you are OK

10 mins, NO! That is rude

Unless of course accident on the way !

Like @AfternoonTeaAddict i find there are some people who can never accept a ‘sorry can’t make it’ and if you do give them the reasons why you can’t, will try anything to get you to change things at your end so you can fit in with their arrangements. In general most people do accept the simple ‘can’t make it’ when initially invited, but it soon becomes obvious who the queen bees are that expect you to rearrange your life to fit in with their arrangements.

I do have a friend who doesn't take my "nos" very well sometimes. If I'm sick and can't make it, she still tries to convince me to come anyway but for a shorter time. If she wants my kids to do something with hers but another child is visiting them, she'll push to see if that child can go home early or come along as well. My husband was also recently sick so I visited her & her DH without him and got quizzed endlessly about what was wrong with him and couldn't he just come anyway. I felt like I was on trial or as if they didn't believe me that he was ill.

It's quite exhausting and I've realised that sometimes instead of trying to say a gentle no, I just have to be blunt. Some people will really push you if you leave any wiggle room at all.

I would accept “sorry I can’t make it” from someone. I mean it would be nice if they added on “but hopefully catch up soon, shall we get a date next month?” but fair enough if not.

I would struggle to just accept “no” from a friend though. Sorry but that is just rude to me. If I text a friend saying “hey do you fancy a catch up next week, are you free Tuesday night for dinner?” and they just replied saying “no” I would be rather put out. And not ashamed to admit it!

It is absolutely a complete sentence in SOME situations. If the person asking you is some creepy bloke who makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up, then it's completely sufficient. If it is an old friend, then some detail is polite, even if it's "Can't explain now, will fill you in later".

Disclaimer: Am very likely autistic myself so that might factor in here.

What i find confusing is is when Jane invites Sarah to something, Sarah says she cannot make it, then Jane gets the hump because she thinks Sarah has just given her a bit of a rubbish excuse.
Ive seen it on here where people go 'how can Sarah not possibly have an hour free for a coffee the next 3 weekends?'

• Why would you want someone to meet up with you when they dont want to??
• Why would you want to cram a meetup into your friends busy or exhausting schedule when you could just.. wait until they are free?

I have noticed that these people will also track what their friend is doing like 'they have time to do x and y but not time for me'

• If they are busy doing x and y id assume that the rest of the time they are busy doing life stuff, cleaning, diy, shopping... all stuff that still needs doing?

I have noticed that some excuses are seen as 'not acceptable' like 'I am tired and need a weekend to myself'.
This seems to be fine with some people, but others will go 'too knackered for me, but they went on a night out with xx person'

• Those plans might have already been in place, and having downtime around those plans was needed to get through the plans!

Obviously there are sometimes repeat patterns etc that are indicating your friend is being a shit friend or doesnt want to hang out with you, but friendships wax and wane a bit, people have varying capacity for socialising at different points, thats part of life. I get a bit confused at reading active rudeness or an 'issue' into things unless you've had other indicators over a long time.

I just assume no-one wants to hang out with me, so am pleased when they do, and that might sound sad but it weirdly seems to bring me less stress!

If I was waiting for someone for 12 and they text at 11.50 simply saying, "I can't make it.", I'd immediately respond, "Is all OK?".

Depending on circumstances, of course you can't respond to an invite or arrangement with "no". Don't be silly.

If I proposed an arrangement in advance and someone said, "I can't make it.", then of course that's fine. I'd expect a bit more chat from someone I'm close to but I probably wouldn't push it. Bit curt, but ok.

Yeah I agree.

The problem is when people treat their friends in the same manner they reserve for a random stranger or a weird guy they don’t want around.

The example you give is really not the sort of situation Mumsnetters usually mean when they recommend the usage!

I know, absolutely god awful. I have ditched people who do this and always would. Friendship is about mutual respect and trust. Some people are so insecure and controlling they want to know everything about every minute of their so called friends lives. Utterly off putting. Shudder..

If they didn’t give me an explanation, they’d no longer be a friend of mine.

Your friend is a weirdo, it would be the last time I'd see her. She is actually not a friend, she uses you and your family for her own emotional needs.

Oh this, I see this all the time. This forum is nuts really. In no ones real world is that sort of thing appropriate communication. Its nonsense.

She is a weirdo but also has some very lovely qualities and a generous, giving spirit. She has a lot of childhood trauma and controlling outcomes seems to be a way she soothes herself. She also currently has a major health issue that has worsened her behaviour, so I'm giving her a bit of grace at the moment. I do need to sit down with her and have a serious chat about boundaries, but I'm waiting until she has recovered from major surgery she is undergoing today.

I think there are also ways to say no that give a person the idea that there's still a possibility. Humming and hawing and saying ooh that doesn't quite work because of this and this is not as decisive as sorry, I can't make it. I do tend to feel bad about saying no to things which encourages others to be pushy, and I'm working on learning to say no without qualifications! So in that respect, I see where OP is coming from.

"Sorry I can't make it" and no explanation with 10 minutes notice is not acceptable in the circles I move in.

Im not needy at all. But it is rude to not offer a friend an explanation. It's just weird. And makes me think that people who do this don't really have any good, close friends.

This absolutely depends on the circumstances.

If it's a group meetup, one person saying "sorry I can't make it" is totally fine. They don't need to give a reason. Or even have one.

If it's an invitation offered to a single person, who is someone you like, it would be normal to offer an alternative, or explanation as to why you couldn't in the short term.

I think OP is talking about the group meetup scenario, where not being able to make it is literally the reason that you're not coming.

I would strongly disagree with this. My husband is retired so makes a lot of social arrangements that involve 45 minutes or so of travel each way to meet up with a sibling or friend from work/ uni/ school for an event that lasts a whole day. If he suggested a date for meeting up and received " No" or "Sorry can't make it" reply he'd think this was very odd. The normal response woukd be " Sorry I can't make that one, how about x y z." A 'no' response would just never happen ( unless they'd had a terminal fall out).
If he was about to set out for the meeting none of his friends would ever send a 'Sorry can't make it' without an added explanation of " need to take Dawn to the hospital " " think the day for letting go of the dog has sadly come, so sorry not to make it".
My husband's sister is very ND. She drives him up the wall when they're all trying to organise a sibling get together by sending texts like " No can't do Monday 3rd". No further addition of " but I could do 4th, 5th, 9th". Are you ND Op. Pauline replies to the question you've asked without nuance .Is that why you think it's okay

its true that social conventions vary, but being used to a different social convention, or preferring social conventions that make you feel comfortable, does not mean you are ‘needy’ or a ‘control freak’

And yet you're wrong in your deductions, probably due to a bit of rigid black and white thinking.

Each to their own?

But sometimes the reason you can’t make it might be something I can accommodate.
A friend and I often meet up on a Friday for a coffee at 2pm. She can’t make this week as she is waiting in for a tradesperson. So I’m going to her house at 1.30 instead as that means I can see her and still get to the thing I need to be at at 3pm.
Years back, I invited someone to DD’s party in Yr1 and the girl couldn’t make it, Fine, I hadn’t seen her at many parties and just thought perhaps she didn’t enjoy them or something. I didn’t think anything of it. Until I saw the mum a few days later and she mentioned that both she & her partner worked weekends so the children were at her mother in law’s and she didn’t like to impose on her. The grandmother only lived in the next village so I not only collected her & dropped her home for DD’s party but for many other parties over the next few years.

Agree but I think women are often the ones who go to stuff that they don’t want to as they daren’t say no, or say yes to stuff and then have to think of elaborate ways to say they can’t make it.

I am not advocating just saying the word no as a sentence and being rude. But there is nothing wrong with just saying oh I can’t make it this time but have fun.

i find that in a lot of the posts on this site it is people with no boundaries or people who overthink things and get themselves into a pickle.

Hi OP Do you mean if you politely say ‘Really sorry but I can’t make that or do that’ to an invitation or a request the other person bombards you with questions and turns it into a big thing in order to try and change your answer?

If so, then yes this has become a thing! In my experience. I run my own business and I have customers who will literally try and reorganise my day or come up with ridiculous suggestions just so they can be fitted in. Me saying ‘ I’m so sorry I’m fully booked or can’t do that’ goes straight over their heads. Equally social invitations I have similar experiences. ‘I’m really sorry I can’t make that day’ gets met with ‘oh can’t you rearrange, go there and then follow on after etc etc’ I definitely find more and more people will not take NO for an answer and will bulldoze you if you let them.

It's actually really liberating to be able to say "that's not for me this time" AND have friends that appreciate and respect that.

Obviously a bit different if they're asking who wants to go bungee jumping vs who wants to come to my birthday party though!