SIL thinks I made her sick :(

[FlappingAboutTheFuture]

SIL and family came round after an activity on Saturday and had dinner with us.

SIL is strictly wheat and gluten free, awaiting testing but already knows she has a severe intolerance. I take that seriously but I know lots of family members don't and SIL is quite sensitised to the idea that someone isn't taking it seriously. Which I understand, so I do my absolute best and have successfully made meals for her in the past and she does, sort of, trust me with food now.

I made a meal of: jacket potatoes, grated cheese, baked beans, houmous, guacamole, and salad.

I checked the ingredients on the beans and houmous, no wheat or gluten. I made the guacamole myself so know what went in it (avocados, lime juice, fresh coriander, fresh chilli, fresh tomato). I even checked the ingredients on the mustard that went into the salad dressing to make sure that was GF (which it was!) - salad dressing was lemon juice, olive oil, fresh garlic, and mustard.

So as far as I could establish the meal was completely wheat and gluten free but apparently SIL spent all of Sunday and yesterday being sick and rang DP past night to quiz him about what was in the meal. Obviously our kitchen isn't really a 100% safe environment as we do eat wheat and I'm an ingredients cook so there could be all sorts of cross contamination, but I did my best and she was the one who said eating here would be fine so long as the actual meal itself didn't have wheat or gluten. I feel terrible now but I'm sure it wasn't my fault but I don't think SIL will ever trust me again...

This. Her allergy, her problem. The OP went to enormous efforts to cater for her SIL, who doesn’t even yet know what her condition is — the SIL needs to accept that she doesn’t eat out, or brings her own food, until she knows what she can and can’t eat.

Pregnant??

She might just be being curious. It’s quite frustrating when you have coeliac’s as you can’t understand why you are getting ill when you are being really careful. So every time you can work out you have eaten gluten, it is a learning opportunity. Most people are dairy intolerant when the they are first diagnosed with coeliac as their gut has been so damaged by eating gluten in the past. This usually lasts for about six months after your diagnosis. Did you cook the potatoes on a shelf in the oven that might have had pizza or bread on it previously? It will be that or most likely the crumbs in the butter. Try not to feel like she’s blaming you. It’s really shit having to eat a gluten-free diet for the rest of your life, especially when you’re still getting ill despite being careful. So she’s probably feeling pretty crap in general.

Well she doesn't get invited for food anymore

I’m coeliac, diagnosed in my 50s - I become more and more sensitive to cross contamination the longer I maintain my gf diet - eg/I could eat where someone was very careful in their kitchen but last couple of times impacted after doing so - it is unfortunate and annoying. But generally I have to accept I take my own or just eat pre packed stuff straight from its pack if they were kind enough to have that in eg/ pepperoni, gf biscuits. It’s not anyone’s fault though - just the way it is.

I’d never say anything to the person trying to accommodate me as I judge that’s my own laxness. However, sometimes I’m not totally sure what sparked a reaction, or if it is a contamination issue, if the reaction is fairly minor, as it could just be a bug instead for example - so I do have to try and investigate at times.

I have also been really bad after making my own cob carefully but then finding I’d bought the wrong ones (long story) when I went back to look at everything so maybe she was just checking on this - it’s easy to make an error.

My guess is the butter tbh and that’s on her and something to learn (many of us have had this learning to our cost I think) or there’s less likely something else - coeliacs are often sensitive to stuff such as gf oats for example or xanthum gum (in many gf products) or sometimes sensitive initially only to such as dairy whilst the stomach is healing.

It’s just a learning curve for her, but I do hope she understands you were careful and tried and it’s just something she may have to accommodate herself by taking her own food. It is frustrating people don’t seem to believe gluten intolerance or coeliac etc is a real thing, but that’s not you, so please don’t feel bad about this - it was really good of you to accommodate the food - I know too that’s not so easy, and hate feeling as if I’m putting it on people.

She isn't diagnosed with anything. Could be a issue with gluten or anything else. I don't understand cutting out gluten unless you need to.

if she does have Coeliac, she's not being nuts. It's an autoimmune disease that does a whole lot more long term damage than just making you fussy about food, and feeling a bit squiffy

If she does have coeliac, she needs to keep eating gluten in order to be diagnosed.

That aside... I'm coeliac and she's being completely OTT. You did your absolute best. It is very common for coeliacs to also be intolerant to dairy so you could suggest that to her but as it sounds like the issue is her not believing or trusting you, I'd just politely say that it's best she only eats places where she does trust the cook.

Please don't feel bad, I would really appreciate the effort you went to.

OP, you bent over backwards to cater to your SIL. I really think some people (like your SIL) live on another planet. If someone made me a nice meal and tried to cater for my intolerances, I would be grateful. I mean sweet Jesus, I’m grateful for hospital food even. It’s an absolute shame she was sick, but you followed her instructions carefully, and it sounds like she might not understand her own intolerances perfectly yet, and needs to speak more to an allergy doc.

I would just say we'll draw a line under it and she can bring her food in future.

Or not bother coming to yours.

Do you enjoy her company or will it be no loss?

Just refuse to feed her again.

I had a very similar thing with my aunt who was a newly diagnosed coeliac (sp?). I did everything I possibly could to ensure that what I fed her was safe for her, but apparently that night she was pretty unwell. Her and her family were very kind about it and suggested it was probably from the ice cream place we'd visited earlier that day (where she had very specific ice cream that was gluten free) but I strongly suspect it's something I fed her or cross contamination in my kitchen. I felt really bad, but everyone accepted it wasn't intentional.

It would be nice if your SIL did the same, as clearly you did your very best and you may not have caused it anyhow

Sounds like it could be the butter but taking butter from a communal butter dish is on her. It makes sense that there would be a higher risk of cross contamination.

Don’t beat yourself up about it because it sounds as if you were very thoughtful of her.
If she’s that sensitive then she should bring her own food that she knows is ‘safe’.

Don’t feel guilty. You did what you could. I wouldn’t have gone to so much trouble. If she’s scared about getting ill in other people’s houses she should bring her own food which is what I’d have suggested.

Cordial? Which one there are some that contain Barley so aren't gluten free.
All you can do is your best.
Dh scrubs the kitchen worktops and all the used utensils goes in the dishwasher each day. It could be something as simple like crumbs in the knife and fork drawer.
All reasons I don't eat at others homes. If I do it's at people who are really good at this stuff.

As a coeliac I do like to check things over if I have been gluttoned. No blame but just for peace of mind.

I think you are reading too much into this. She felt poorly and would feel more confident moving forward if she knew what caused it. I doubt she blames you. You are taking it as blame. She is just fact finding.

I expect she is analsing everything she ate that day not just your meal.

She is not being unreasonable just trying to keep healthy and prevent things happening again.

I have been where you are and its hard not to feel accused. Please try to put that feeling aside and keep things calm. As has already been said, getting a diagnosis will require her to test her intolerance by eating gluten but I understand why she wouldn't want to do that until she is under medical advice. The thing is that she may have other intolerance(s) that she doesn't know about so she can't really be sure what has caused the attack.

She doesn’t know what she is intolerant to, so you can do your best to avoid gluten, but if it’s actually soya, well…🤷🏻‍♀️

But hopefully she has been continuing to eat gluten if that’s what’s being investigated.

Alternatively, there are lots of things that could be causing this. I was investigated for coeliacs. I also got terrible advice from the GP to give up gluten, which is wrong. It turned out to be a non-working pancreas (cause unknown 🤷🏻‍♀️) and not an intolerance at all. Friend also supposedly had a ‘gluten intolerance’ which turned out to be chronic stress that had completely bollocked her digestive track.

That said, if she has coeliacs, then cross contamination will cause these symptoms and she’s eating in kitchens with gluten so it has to be expected, no matter how carefully you are checking ingredients.

I think you were so kind to do all that. I think she was really rude. Maybe as she’s not diagnosed yet it could be something else.
id tell her next time to bring her own food then you cant be blamed.

I am intolerant to anything within the onion family - onions (pickled, spring, shallots), garlic, leeks, chives etc. It sounds to me as if she's possibly intolerant to something, and the sickness is nothing to do with Gluten. I am sick, severe stomach cramps, diarrhoea. Equally, she may be intolerant to mustard! I can't eat it either!!

It does sound like you did your best OP, so do not blame yourself. It could have been a cross contamination issue. Or something else. When you say your SIL is awaiting testing, what is she waiting for? Has she had blood tests? These are ordered through the GP and come back pretty quickly. Where is she at with that?

This thread does sorry me, though. I’m a newly (officially) diagnosed coeliac about to go GF. There are quite a lot of posts on here that are quite unsympathetic. It just adds to my sadness and anxiety about living with a condition that people don’t really understand. (Not aimed at the OP, you sound lovely)

Why wouldn’t you have gone to so much trouble? The OP made a lovely meal without gluten and wheat. Should she have just said “fuck it” and stuck croutons in the salad for the hell if it?!

But since you can’t control what she feels or believes it’s pointless trying to.

What are the consequences of you feeling she doesn’t believe you? Other than a feeling you don’t like? You are creating the feeling!