SIL thinks I made her sick :(

[FlappingAboutTheFuture]

SIL and family came round after an activity on Saturday and had dinner with us.

SIL is strictly wheat and gluten free, awaiting testing but already knows she has a severe intolerance. I take that seriously but I know lots of family members don't and SIL is quite sensitised to the idea that someone isn't taking it seriously. Which I understand, so I do my absolute best and have successfully made meals for her in the past and she does, sort of, trust me with food now.

I made a meal of: jacket potatoes, grated cheese, baked beans, houmous, guacamole, and salad.

I checked the ingredients on the beans and houmous, no wheat or gluten. I made the guacamole myself so know what went in it (avocados, lime juice, fresh coriander, fresh chilli, fresh tomato). I even checked the ingredients on the mustard that went into the salad dressing to make sure that was GF (which it was!) - salad dressing was lemon juice, olive oil, fresh garlic, and mustard.

So as far as I could establish the meal was completely wheat and gluten free but apparently SIL spent all of Sunday and yesterday being sick and rang DP past night to quiz him about what was in the meal. Obviously our kitchen isn't really a 100% safe environment as we do eat wheat and I'm an ingredients cook so there could be all sorts of cross contamination, but I did my best and she was the one who said eating here would be fine so long as the actual meal itself didn't have wheat or gluten. I feel terrible now but I'm sure it wasn't my fault but I don't think SIL will ever trust me again...

I would have made a lovely meal and asked the SIL to bring her own food. Better safe than sorry eh?

Was the cheese pre-grated? Some have added starch to keep the pieces separate and those may have gluten.

I have a friend who was diagnosed coeliac and it's so hard. You bent over backwards to accommodate her, you did what you could and now you feel she's being accusatory. That's a horrible feeling and I'm sorry, its not fair on you.

However, these types of things are horrible. I'm off some food because i'm breastfeeding and the baby is reacting. Its temporary and of course I'll do it but it's not fun or easy. Suddenly the rest of her life is restricted and in such a scary way because of how sick she gets. You already said that some people in the family don't take her seriously so she may already be fearful and defensive. Added to that, you had built her trust with food which was a deeply kind thing. She felt safe with you when she doesn't in so many places. Now you did nothing to break that trust but something happened and she was sick and she doesn't know why so that's another door closed.

Yes, you would be within your rights to say, fuck it, I bent over backwards, did everything I could and now youre pointing fingers. Next time bring your own food. But this is a forum so my two cents would be to call her. Open with empathy, I'm so sorry you got sick, it's awful you're going through this, I want my house to be safe for you so let's go through everything together. Reassure her of the steps you took and say in hindsight you think it's the butter dish (sounds likely). Next time you can have an unopened pack of butter. If she feels safest bringing her own food you won't be offended and can provide boiled and cleaned plates and cutlery.

Your empathy and support might mean more to her than you know. Approach it believing the best in her, she's reacting from fear and anger at how unfair it all is, not at you.

She could be allergic to mustard as well.

Wooden chopping boards and wooden spoons can hold gluten and cause cross contamination.

OP has answered all of these questions already about the food and drink served.

It sounds like you took all due care OP. If SIL is generally a decent person then hopefully this is just her feeling ill and worried and casting about for an explanation. That said I’d be having a very firm conversation with her about what is and isn’t possible before having her over for a meal again.

Something else she's allergic to, something she ate at home, a random stomach bug, could be anything. I wouldn't invite her to eat again though unless she brings her own food, too much effort and drama!

Did she have that cordial made from barley? If she is gluten-free that includes avoiding barley, wheat, rye and some people can't also eat oats (I am a ceoliac who can't eat oats).

Mustard is one I was told to avoid but I can't remember why - did it have malt in it? Malt is made from wheat and therefore not gluten-free.

Did you put butter or marg on the baked potatoes? Sometimes there are gluten-crumbs in these.

With cross-contamination people mean well - but they don't consider things like chopping something on a board which might not have been fully cleaned from gluten - or using a knife or spoon that was dipped into something not gluten-free and then used. I've lost touch with how many times I have seen this happen in cafes when preparing my food.

It sounds like she is very sensitive so best she brings her own food. I really think if she gets this sick she needs to stop expecting people to provide for her and provide for herself.

I had a blood test that showed I was eating gluten but I could not for the life of me work out how - it was in those strepsal cough soothers.

She needs to bring her own food.
I couldn't be entertaining such drama after hosting.

For those saying they wouldn't have bothered or gone to so much trouble - it wasn't really that much trouble at all! It was a fairly standard meal for us, I didn't do anything that different other than read the packets - and as it turned out everything I would normally have served was fine according to the labels. I do actually like SIL and want to accommodate her needs.

I just feel a bit got at, maybe unfairly, but they'd been to an activity and eaten out earlier in the day so it's as likely to be from that as anything else surely.

This!
She could have picked up a bug from work
or something.

Was it a new jar of mustard or one that was already opened that people had dipped knives into previously?

If she doesn't trust you with food going forward it sounds like a win.

She's not even diagnosed with anything. If her Drs doing know what's setting her off how are you supposed to predict it?

For me it would be the garlic in the salad dressing.

I'm not celiac but definitely have a low level sensitivity to both, alongside a massive garlic, mild onion intolerance. Unfortunately she may have more sensitivities than she is aware of.

Ahhhh she had eaten out prior to coming to you! Set that guilt aside OP.

For coeliac but not intolerances. I'm not coeliac but have food intolerances diagnosed through an elimination diet with a dietician and get food poisoning type symptoms (similar to what was explained her SIL had) if I was to consume those foods. Not everyone who has to avoid wheat or gluten is coeliac and the symptoms experienced will vary in severity.

As well as gluten crumbs from your kitchen, which it might well be, you've said the ingredients of everything didn't contain gluten.

That's not the same as gluten free. The houmous or mustard or whatever could have been made in a factory that also handles gluten and been contaminated there.

gluten intolerance gives you bad stomach and youre on the loo. you dont throw up with it

My friend and her Ds are both diagnosed coeliac so her Dh eats GF by default. She has been diagnosed for 16 years. She was incredibly ill in her own home and she said had she had eaten anywhere other than her home she would have assumed she had been glutened.

Turned it just good old norovirus. But her immediate thought was gluten.

I think your SIL is being very unfair to you. She could have chosen to bring her own food which is what my friend does.

The issue here is that she isn’t officially diagnosed with anything so no one really knows what could have caused the sickness. One of the mums at the school has DC who are coeliac and I remember she had an awful time before the first child was diagnosed trying to figure out what was wrong, she felt like she was going insane as her dc were never 100% well so I totally empathise with your sil but you did absolutely nothing wrong.

YANBU, and I'd also pass on the diet and testing advice to your SIL

For example "You should include gluten in your diet when the blood test is done because avoiding it could lead to an inaccurate result."

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/coeliac-disease/diagnosis/

We entertained a coeliac this weekend. I used two brands of grated cheese (I'm not grating cheese for 25 people!!) and checked them both carefully. Both used potato starch to prevent caking so both perfectly safe for coeliacs.

this

It sounds like you tried really hard and it's just a very difficult situation for everyone.

Food allergies suck. Some people get offended if you won't eat their food, offended if you ask questions about how the food was prepared, annoyed that you are the source of trouble and stress for the cook. You get to choose between being labelled as neurotic and playing medical episode roulette every time you eat away from home.

My mate who's coeliac was much ruder and tightly wound when first diagnosed, she was rude in restaurants which was mortifying (cue me and another friend doing a lot of covert apologising and explaining to staff who were very lovely and accommodating).

We know it's hard to guarantee in a kitchen that has gluten used in it and cross contamination can happen but we always do our best to mitigate this on holidays and at our homes - like using those toasty pouches in the toaster, having her butter stored in a separate container, planning GF meals for everyone makes it easier.

It sounds like you did everything mindfully and considerately. It's a shame that she doesn't believe you but rise above, it'll be coming from a place of anxiety and frustration. It's unfortunate and unfair that you're taking the brunt.

I can't remember if you already mentioned that you'd sent her the ingredients list but if not, that could be helpful. Also any preparation that you did e.g. washing all bowls, serving dishes etc so they were all fresh before her visit. Other than that, don't worry, you've not done anything wrong.