DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

He's "depressed" because he can't play his game all the time.

You mentioned that you currently work part time. How many hours per week do you work? Have the two of you adjusted your contributions to housework based on your change from full time to part time work?

Although you don’t think your DH is depressed, he may well be. His anxiety might be more intense than you know as well. It can also be extremely stressful to be the main breadwinner.

I think division of labour is one thing, and you should make sure you are both happy with this. Essentially you should both have the same amount of free time after chores and work are factored in.

With the affection, I would say about how you feel and ask why the sudden change. Possibly in a letter. Ask if there is anything you can do to help.

It sounds complicated but for now I would treat the issues as separate. I would also seriously consider if he is addicted to his game.

How's he giving her two extra hours if the kids aren't up then?

Because he does nothing at night because he wants to sit and game? How much more nothing do you think he should get to do?

I am not suggesting he doesn't take his fair share or that he isn't expected to pull his weight. OP has been clear that he pitches in and they have a good division of labour for some things.

I am addressing the very specific and fraught scenarios discussed.

They do not need to be the big deal they are being made it to be.

Because she’s in bed? If he just stayed in bed while she slept would that be ok?

Do people lack reading comprehension or are you all just this downtrodden? A man voluntarily getting up at 5 is not spending two hours picking up before going to work, maybe 20 minutes to get the downstairs shipshape? But now he's not because he CBA, and he also "can't manage" when the children are up?

I don't have an answer for you OP, but if it was me, I'd just be asking why he's decided he doesn't need to pull his weight as one half of the adults in the family.

@RichInSpirit , do you show affection to your husband? Do you hug and compliment him? Are you in a good mood when he is aroun? Do you want to spend evenings with him together?

Your empty threats of 'you're leaving' break the trust and engagement. You are showing that whatever housework that is not done is way more important for you in a bigger picture that what you have now - home together, kids together, each other. Everyone would feel devalued and will start questioning his position and his wife's feelings towards him even after the first threat. After a second one anyone will start to check out to protect their mental health. Divorce with small kids and all the upheaval connected with it is huge, you don't threaten with it unless there is absolutely no other way.

I am not telling that it is not OK to show your dissatisfaction. In a way it is much better to have a scandal and shout at each other, then just go nuclear out of nowhere and telling 'I'm leaving' without actually meaning it.

Misses the point of the thread entirely, but…)

“He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me.”

FOR ME? No no, for the family and the home.

You know what I meant, but yes it’s obviously a shared activity as both are adults and live there.

However it seems clear that OP was fine with both of them skipping evening tidying up on the assumption he’d do it in the morning.

I think you should edit your very first post to include this as it's an important clarification that people are missing. You should include the comments about paper plates too. I'm sorry OP, I hope having a chat with him will help you work things through. Resentment is hard.

Also agree with this! It was the first thing I noticed. For "us" is fine.

No, OP was going to tidy in the morning with him. He just needed to wake her up. I've suggested she edits her post.

I’m responding to the fact that she said she would get up and do it with him if he woke her up early but he doesn’t. I’m trying to say that if she really wants to get up and help she could maybe take responsibility for waking herself.

And if it really is only 20 minutes work why can’t she do it later once he’s gone to work?She only works three afternoons a week, surely she can fit in twenty minutes.

And mine too. If I was getting up at 5 am and setting off for work at 7 am I might tidy round a bit but I would hate it to become an expectation. You’re both in the house at that time so both should be helping to tidy, not one lying in bed whilst the other slaves away!! I’d become resentful at this too.

Would you divorce your husband over this? Seriously? After few weeks of this kind of behaviour?

Could he be depressed?

Honestly this whole pattern sounds exhausting for everyone. I know you say you sleep through alarms but you need to address this. You’re an adult and he’s not your parent he’s not responsible to wake you up in the morning. If you want to get up before the kids you need to figure out a way to do this. If it’s 15-20 minutes worth of tidying surely you’d just do it in the evening. Sit down and tell him the current system isn’t working for you and you both need a new plan. Either you both do it in the evening or you both do it in the morning which suits better?

we have similar aged kids and every night someone runs round and does the evening tidy, the other does bath pjs and books with the kids, we take turns about so each of us have that time with the kids. It’s not hard and it means everything is done for the morning.

This, but also..

"He tidies up downstairs for me"

For YOU? Is it not HIS downstairs too???? Why is it FOR YOU?

It doesn’t sound like he’s that engaged with the children - the OP says:

“Then I go to work in the afternoon, come home, he’s already home, I cook dinner, play with the kids while he sits on his game, then we both out the kids to bed, he goes back to him game and I either have to tidy up on my own, again”

So on the days she works, she leaves the house mid-afternoon with the 3 year old and keeps the 6 year old with her at work (after school care type job?), comes home and her DH is already home but hasn’t started dinner, and spends the evening gaming apart from doing the bedtime routine. He sounds obsessed with gaming, and I wonder if that’s what he’s doing in the morning as well?

Ok I think that needs to be rectified. Doing last night's washing up at 5am sounds godawful.

They must just force themselves to do it in the evening.

What do you mean he tidies up 'for you'? It's his house too he can tidy it up for himself

Perhaps he's finally got pissed off with getting up two hours early and doing the tidying, while OP has a nice lie-in?

Exactly my thoughts.

Why was he getting up so early to tidy around the house while you stayed in bed? Could you do the tidying together for 30 mins in an evening after the kids have gone to bed so nobody has to wake up to the mess?