DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

I don’t think I’m a lazy man apologist - I’ve said it sounds ridiculous. However I have also come home from a hard days work and sometimes not had it in me to do anything at all and in those days if my DH can’t deal with it, things don’t get done. OP herself says things were usually split equally and fairly.

I do agree that a whole week is ridiculous and just eating off paper plates is extreme but nobody died no harm, no foul. Sometimes you both can only give 20% and standards have to be dropped for a specific short period. My main point from my post is instead of holding resentment about a one off incident that happened a few weeks ago or being annoyed about 15-20mins worth of tidying up perhaps they should try and reconnect and see if this is actually a symptom of something more serious going on.

If they split the husband would have at least half the week to himself.

But why does he have to do it before he goes out, why can’t you do it when he’s gone to work and you child to school. You only have one three year old to look after not a classroom full. If you use sensible storage most toys can be easily tidied away in less than ten minutes, I just don’t get it.
As for a previous posters comment about ‘it’s not the 1950’s’ no it’s not, we now have home full of labour saving gadgets and all this whining about housework is a joke, I could clean a three bed house in under two hours and that would include changing beds. I just do not understand women who keep whinging on about not sharing the load, if he’s out at work all day and you’re at home every morning I just cannot seethe problem. Stop being a martyr to housework, put aside an hour a day and that’s it, I am so glad I’m not a man, I should think half of them suffer from permanent earache!

tidies downstairs up for me

For me implies it's all your responsibility and he's doing you a favour. That's not how being a functioning adult works.

If I've read correctly, OP works afternoons but DD is in school and DS at childcare two days a week? The children are with her at work though because she works in a school? But then her DH picks them up from school and does their tea? I'm really not following. Surely that means two mornings a week OP is completely childfree?

OP also picks up after the children all day but there is so much mess by the following morning that it needs someone to get up early to clear up/clean so the house is straight? And that should be her DH because a) he gets up early and b) he used to do it?

Have I understand all that correctly?

I agree @Theboymolefoxandhorse
I also wonder how the OP would cope if they split up. She says she cannot wake up to an alarm, so without him there to wake her how will she even get up in the morning.

What is this tidying that needs doing at 5am? Do you mean the kitchen, wiping down the sides, dishwasher needs filling/emptying? Toys put away in front room?

It sounds like a bit of a strange routine. Couldn't the tidying be done before bed by you both?

If his dad is coming then it's up to him to clean up in preparation for that.

Have you asked him how he's feeling? Told him that it feels like he's changed?

I think this is it. How is your sex life sorry to ask?

I’ve just seen your follow up that he has to wake you because you don’t sleep well and therefore sleep through your alarm.

With respect, this is a you thing to sort. If you lived alone you would have to find an alarm loud enough to wake you up even if you hadn’t slept well. I too suffer from insomnia and often get only one or two hours sleep according to my Fitbit, but I HAVE to get up and go to work or I will lose my job and then my home. Simple as that. I have multiple klaxons set.

I suspect that you have retreated into relying on DH to get up early, clean the house, get you up before he leaves, while you just relax and snooze. He’s likely getting tired of having that responsibility on top of his full time job and children.

@RichInSpirit this stood out to me...

You could also have 2 hours to yourself in the morning if you got up earlier - but you don't, because of insomnia.

So don't think that element is your husbands issue - its yours.

That being said - he does sound like he's checked out of the relationship a bit and stopped making an effort. Why he's doing that is something you'll have to get to the bottom of as it will only get worse.. burnt out, got the ick, having an affair, got complacent, just isn't feeling you anymore...you need those conversations to find out what's going on with him and to outline what it is that you need from him (as well as hearing what he needs from you).

Perhaps he is depressed?

Sounds like you are both in a bad place right now, anxiety, panic attacks, insomnia, perhaps other health issues /not clear from your posts but you mentined GP a few times/. You both need some therapy plus a couples counselling. You need to communicate and work as a team, which isnt happening right now. If you can, get some help in for housework.

I’d tell him that you are getting a cleaner in. If he objects to the cost, he can go back to tidying up himself. Otherwise you both share the cleaning load by covering it financially from your salary which makes it even, although it does mean less disposable income for the household.

I don't know what's going on because there is limited information in your post but I don't think it is unreasonable for him to do a bit of tidying in the morning if that was the previous agreement. Also, it sounds like since going back to part time you have decreased child care and have the children on those days? If so, you are working caring for the children. If they were in daycare or school and you had whole days free I could understand he would expect you to do most of it.

However in ANY household where everyone makes a mess and lives there expecting one person to do everything is unreasonable, you are not a maid! Also when you do go back full time, reversing that division of labour is nigh impossible. That has been my experience at least. I also have MH issues (PTSD from serious workplace violence) and am on paid insurance leave from work. I have taken up the majority of tasks, but he does the cat litter and the dishwasher still and often makes the bed in the morning, cooks one night per week.

What housework does he currently actually do? How many hours do you work?

That is so ridiculous, so she gets a cleaner and sits and watches someone else clean her house, it would be totally different if she was at work all day but she’s not, she does three afternoons!

OP said DH refuses to do that tyding, which takes around 20 mins, in the evening together, as he want to relax.

Two thoughts: he’s got a new game and he’s totally addicted to it. Temporarily CBA to tidy up?

He is bored of being tidy all the time. You vacuum twice a day - are you a bit anal or do you have pets? I can’t see how a house needs so much cleaning and tidying.

OP, you don't seem to be taking responsibility for yourself very much. You write as though you have no real agency over anything. This must be extremely frustrating for your DH.

You do both sound depressed. But you are not taking responsibility for very much. Imagine if you are a single parent - wouldn't you be able to find the time and energy to wake up and keep your house tidy?

I hadn’t clocked the hoovering twice a day. Goodness I’m obviously a slattern, I do it once a week.

OP, do you think your standards for cleaning are maybe higher than they need to be? I just can’t fathom otherwise why anyone needs to be cleaning at 5am every day before going to work.

Life is short. There are more important things than your house being 100% spotless 100% of the time.

The OP says they are busy doing other things so presumably and will be doing those things rather than sitting down, doing nothing but observing what the cleaner gets up to.

What is ridiculous is the assumption that unless someone is doing formal paid work that they are idling sitting around doing nothing.

Why would OP be thanking him for his efforts ? He lives there too, presumably contributes to the ‘mess’, and they’re his kids too. He gets up at 5am when there is clearly no need if he has time to drink coffee and tidy round before waking OP at 7am, so how is it giving OP two more hours in bed if there’s no need to get up so early to start with ?

I can understand your concern when there been a change in behaviour in your partner, have you asked him specifically and directly why he no longer does what he used to do?

Clean the house ? OP says it’s a bit of tidying that would take 20 minutes if done in the evenings. And where is the responsibility ? He chooses to get up at 5am it’s not because he has to, so why is it on OP to get up too, especially if she has broken sleep due to insomnia ? They’re a couple and I don’t think it’s too much to ask of a man that he pitch in and does some of what’s necessary - he lives there too and presumably makes a contribution to the ‘mess’.

The only solution I can see is to talk.

You don’t know why he’s changed.
What has caused the change.
What can you both do to solve the issues.
He needs to be honest as to the reasons for the change.
Is it depression? Does he have financial issues?
Until you get to the root of the problem, nothing will be resolved. You Need To Talk.

He's not helping her tidy up, or doing it as a favour for her.

They're his bloody kids, too, and it's his house, too, and therefore it's his mess as well.

Why is everything framed as helping when it's a man cleaning or tidying? I'm sure he eats, drinks, wears clothes that then need washing, etc.

If he lived alone, he'd have to do it all himself.

When you're a partnership, you should be working together as a team, not always 50/50, sometimes 80/20 or 30/70, etc, but together, and picking up the slack for each other as needed.

@RichInSpirit He sounds depressed or/& addicted to his game. I'm really down atm, and I find myself that I'm struggling to keep to the routine I used to have. My phone use had skyrocketed, too, as it stopped me worrying/ thinking about things and kept my hands busy, although I'm now slowly reducing that to more normal levels again.

Would couples therapy help you both talk through what's going on?

I know it’s not the point but try and get your children into good habits tidying up. They are both old enough to help.