DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

Please read the OPs follow ups : OP has clarified in later posts that her DH refuses to do it in the evening together because he is gaming. She has also asked him to wake her up (she has insomnia and only sleeps 3 hrs a night- as well as usually sleeps through alarms) and they both can do it in the mornings as well as spend sometime together but he doesn’t do this and only wakes her up just as he is leaving, which she feels is to a mess which she has to tidy up whilst getting both kids ready

The tidying up thing I can't get my head around. So he refuses to spend 20 mins of an evening after the kids have gone to bed having a quick tidy with you because he wants to play his game? But then he was doing it at 5am when he woke up because that was a more "convenient" time for him, but now hes stopped doing that. So you want him to wake you up so you can help him tidy at 5am?! and when he didn't your laying there waiting for him to come and get you, seething, but not actually getting up? Bloody madness from both of you!!

Does he do his fair share of house work or not? because your posts seem to give different versions.

She would wake up in her own time at 7am.

The only solution is to do a final tidy and clean of the downstairs when the children are in bed. I think most people do this. Once that's done you can relax for the evening, and it's all done for the morning. Once you have a routine in place doing that you will see the difference I'm sure. Then you'd be in a position to tackle your husband being distant.

I think posters are thinking he gets up at 5am to clean, but that's not the case. He likes to wake at 5am and sit downstairs until it's nice to go to work.

My husband wouldn't behave like this . . .

DH doesn’t pick the kids up, they come home with me when I finish work.
they play in the living room before dinner, I cook dinner, then it’s pyjamas on and bedtime.

ive never said the house is really messy the following morning, but toys are out, last nights plates and cookwear is on the side ready to load into the dishwasher. It’s not a lot, either of us can do it, but it’s me that has to do it around also getting school stuff ready, making breakfast ect. It’s all a bit of a rush for me after he’s sat around since 5am. I tidy all other times of the day and keep the house relatively in order until the evening comes. I don’t think it’s a huge ask for him to do one period of tidying up a day 😅 if we both had his attitude and approach, nothing would ever get done?

Would I divorce my husband for sitting on his game instead of prioritising his family, normal adult household needs and neglecting any affection or intimacy for his wife?

Yes.. probably.

Sounds as if he has depression. If you’re similarly prone to depression it can add to the mental health of your family sadly.
Maybe he has employment issues and doesn’t want to worry you or as you say a health worry that needs addressing.

It could be a whole manner of issues so, give him some slack, sit down and ask him to see a professional with you.

Why don’t you load the dishwasher in the evening not leave dirty stuff out overnight ?

Why the fuck is anyone getting up at 5am?? 🤣

Tbf I’d like to get up at 6, have a good 30 minutes to have a cup of tea in the quiet before the kids come down with 80 questions and demands 🤣

But she says he has to wake her up on his way out to work.

She needs to take responsibility for managing this herself.

... and then having to do 100% of "household needs" by yourself, still having zero affection and intimacy (or having this complicated story with blended families/boyfriends), having much less money, and I am not even mentioning the effect on the kids having some sort of shared parental arrangements? Still divorce?

I’d rather do 100% of the housework by myself around two children, than do 100% of the housework around two children and a man day on a computer game not helping. 🫣

She'd be doing it for one less person, and in the knowledge that her expectation of help that wasn't happening isn't an issue any more.

I don't like the fact you say he tidies up for you. It's for all of you.

There is obviously more to this than your husband not spending 15 minutes tidying up. That is petty and you're using it to score points but you're focussing on the wrong thing. If the real issue is that he is distant and withdraws affection, focus on that. Forget about the tidying.

Speak to him about it again and if he still says "I don't know" he needs to think harder. You both need to improve the way you communicate.

The thing is, I’m quite good at communicating, but he’s so crap at it it totally blocks me off. I end up going around in circles with him and all I get it “I don’t know” “I’m just relaxing” “I don’t know what you want me to say” “I don’t feel like there is anything wrong”

He’s also started wearing his posh man-perfume (try and make me spell the c word bc I can’t) - his job is a ‘dirty’ job, trying not too be too outing but it’s not a smelly-wearing kind of job, his clothes need washing separately to anyone else’s. He could be wearing it for himself, but it’s a new habit.

Hes not secretive about his phone, I know a lot of people suggested checking his phone but he’s not secretive at all, doesn’t shy away, doesn’t rush to pick it up if the kids or me are near it/touch it.

I think you are feeling hard done by and resentful. I think the fact your dh is not tidying up in the morning is a symptom rather than the problem to solve. I imagine he's feeling the same

The checking out and lack of affection needs to change. Don't throw away a good marriage for something like this.

Honestly, just tidy up in the evening. How long does it honestly take to load the dishwasher and wipe the worktops down? Don't most people do this as a matter of course at the end of dinner?
The kids should absolutely be learning to tidy toys up.

Pre-prep your evening meal in the morning. Get breakfast/lunches ready the night before so that you're not rushing around begore the school run. You need to sort your sleeping out, and your DH should not have to wake you up. That is quite ridiculous.

(I must be a slattern because my floors get mopped once a week if they're lucky. No one has died yet.)

Why can’t your children put their toys away? Make it into a game. Mine all had boxes downstairs and before dinner and bath we set a timer to see who could put things away before the alarm sounded. It sounds like you both have got into a rut of resentment and not communicating

Well, you’ve told him a couple of times you’re leaving. You think he is the type to stay just to see his kids everyday but will always be unhappy and wants to bring you down. You think that you doing a couple of shifts at an afterschool club means it’s his job to tidy at the end of every day/ (or because an early riser) in the morning.

Definitely leave the man.

It has been clear from the start that he isnt getting up early to tidy up. He was getting up early anyway and has always been. So he prefered to tidy up in that time and relax in the evening.

Why have so many people missed this?

Well, husband and I do thank each other for doing the mundane stuff, always have been. He says thank you for dinner and washing up, I say thank you for heating up and deicing the car.... different circumstances.
A lot of talk needed here, I agree.

We haven’t missed it, it’s the fact that OP so clearly seems to EXPECT it of him that people are questioning.

I don’t expect him to do it aline if he doesn’t fancy it, what I do expect is for him to share the load.. if that means waking me up (which he agrees to do, even asking me if he can wake me up to help the night before) but then only wakes me up as he’s leaving for work so he can’t actually help.

I expect help, from him.. my husband in whom we share two children and a house that are both of our responsibility.