DH stopped helping and is acting different

[RichInSpirit]

DH has always been an early riser for as long as I’ve known him. He usually gets up at 5am, enjoys a coffee and tidies downstairs up for me. Recently he’s stopped tidying up, at all.. we’ve got two young children and him doing the tidying in the morning before anyone gets up was really useful because it means I can then get other things done, and clear up after the kids throughout the day.

He’ll usually come wake me up around 7am before he leaves for work, I’ve asked him if he needs help tidying to wake me up when he gets up and we’ll do it together.. but he doesn’t? Which just means I end up going down to a mess and he claims he hasn’t had time to do anything (he literally sits and drinks a coffee and just sits on the sofa for 2 hours) - sometimes he’ll claim that he can’t do it around DC (funny, because I clean up with both kids home all the time you just get on with it)

Today he’s invited his dad round to visit, he said last night he would wake me up early to help clean downstairs.. I know it’s petty but I’ve been up waiting for him to come get me and he hasn’t, I can hear he’s not doing anything.. so I know he’s going to just be sat having his coffee and not tidying anything .. and the kids are still asleep so there’s no excuse.

I’d go down and help him now but I want to prove the point that he is just leaving me with a mess either on purpose or without thinking properly. He never used to do this. He used to put in his fair share of housework 😣

He’s also been very distant, I told him a couple of weeks ago that I feel like he doesn’t put the effort in to show any affection to me, he’s naturally quite introverted but he used to be quite touchy, would put his arm around me, would hug me, hold my hand ect.. but it’s all gone. He said he doesn’t know why and that’s he’s fine, but he hasn’t really tried since that talk either. I’m getting worried because I don’t want my children to grow up watching a loveless marriage from their parents. I always try and be playful, show him affection ect but he literally just stands there and gives nothing back and I’m feeling really rejected. But if I bring up there being an issue he gets really defensive and is adamant he wants to be together and that he loves me. He just doesn’t show it.

I’m at my wits end, I don’t feel loved or appreciated and recently I’m starting to feel really envious of everyone relationships around me.

We are very even when it comes to housework usually. OPs original post

Mine gets up at 5 out of choice, we both start at 7, we both work full time, he normally sticks washing in and tidies up if there is anything left from night before, I finish earlier than him, so i sort washing and I do what else needs doing. I do bathrooms, sometimes he does floors, whoever just does it when it needs doing.

Are you having meaningful conversations about everything? Is there money worries or other concerns he has beyond the health concerns? How is work going? How has the change in income for you going part time effected things? Have you been able to cut costs to match? Has he had to work more? Is he burning out?
Does his work offer some kind of mental health support as a benefit (some have a third party provider)?
You talk about him sitting for two hours in peace, is it that. It could be he is sitting for 2 hours in despair. It could be he is avoiding dealing with a MH issue because he recognises you are suffering but avoids he needs to address something.
The not loading a dishwasher sounds odd. I have never understood how people struggle with this.
You mention him playing a game, has he always done this? Has it increased over any of these periods?
When did you start threatening to leave? How close was it to things changing?
You mention that he has stopped being affectionate. What was sex like before that? Was he instigating and you were rejecting him?
I would agree that this doesn’t sound like cheating, more like him not coping with life and handling that badly. But I wouldn’t rule it out.

Maybe the tidying up every morning while you sleep has become an issue for him?

Sleeping through alarms is NO excuse. I have a deaf child, we adapt around him. You need to find something that works for you! What would happen if he were to leave? Would you never wake up?

Maybe he’s been reading this book: www.waterstones.com/book/the-brain-at-rest/joseph-jebelli/9781804996799

Maybe hes had enough of always having to be the one to just get on with everything whilst youre struggling.
From his point of view - youve gone part time while he still works full time, are awake for hours each night but dont get up and tidy, wont wake up in the morning unless he adds that to the list of chores, expect him to tidy before going to work full time, have the option of laying in bed with flu for a week instead of having to drag yourself up after the first day to get on with a few things.

My DH and I have been in a similar situation recently where he was letting me down and the intimacy had disappeared. I felt like I did everything and was unappreciated and he felt like he did everything and was unappreciated.

I was fed up of him doing barely any housework and needing to remind him multiple times to empty bins, put them out for collection etc. I was fed up of him never prioritising spending time with me. Basically he was working most evenings which meant he had no time for himself or for me. He also would be lazy with parenting and let me pick up the slack constantly.

New rules - he sorts the bins (I will not remind, if he forgets that's his problem) and that has reduced my mental load and resentment. Specific evenings spent together every week as couple time and specific evenings for time to himself and work. He has specific tasks to do for our DS and I won't get involved until it's done.

Find out what makes each of you resent the other and fix it. We made some new rules that helped so much and the intimacy returned as a result! Maybe you need a new rule to tidy up on the evening so you can share the task instead of him doing it. Maybe you need a solution for getting up without him waking you? I like us both getting stuff done until DS is in bed and then it's chill time.

Me too. He’s about to go out and do what is presumably a full days work and you seem to expect him to be cleaning the house at five am before he goes while you lie in bed?

And you say you WOULD help him if he woke you up, but he doesn’t. Can’t you wake yourself up?

Do you not go to work? If not surely you can do the cleaning during the day?

Train the children to tidy up.
Even toddlers can be taught to put their toys in a box.

So you work part time and he works full time. He spends his evenings engaged with the children until they are in bed. He had a health scare recently. You’ve threatened of leaving a few times. He wakes up at five am every day. The house is a mess every morning and he’s expected to tidy rather than having a coffee in peace before going to work.

Erm. If you’ve stopped loving him - he’ll likely feel it and become less affectionate and giving.

I think the checking out would definitely get my alarm bells ringing. The tidying is a red herring. It's not unlikely he is addicted to online interactions of some kind.

Or he’s just tired and fed up?

I’d be annoyed if I was him, especially seeing as you work part-time. It sounds like he gave you a hand and you decided to take the whole arm, so to speak (in the sense of you just expect it to happen). I have no issue with helping, but the entitlement regarding the help would have me resentful soon enough.

Saying that… resentful people do stupid things. I’d be checking his phone. You say he wouldn’t cheat but he might just be cheating online.

Do you ever actually have fun as a family? This sounds like a miserable existence of constant cleaning and expectation.

I get up at 5am for work, my house is quite often messy, and I’d rather go to the beach honestly.

it sounds like your DH has had enough and he can’t or won’t be honest with you about this.

also as an introvert, I would choose two hours of peace and quiet every time.

He wants to early morning time to decompress by the sounds of it and this has led to him not waking you up like you ask.

Could you both sit down together and reassess your expectations? I know I would hate it if there was an expectation to tidy every day like I was an employee. That routine would wear me down - I am more spontaneous and do things when I want. It gets done in my own time. Could your husband be the same?

He is making a silent protest by not being so keen on the housework. Ask him if there are other ways that could work. Or even relax about the housework a bit?

From what she's said since, I'm not seeing even, allowing for her being at home more

'Gave her a hand'?

'Helping'?

He’s addicted to whatever he’s doing on his phone and he doesn’t want to stop or have you around. He likes the peace and quiet and dopamine/coffee. It might be something completely harmless but it’s probably affecting his mood to start each day this way.

Are you just here to pick up on everyone else's posts or just the OPs?

Life sounds miserable for you both @RichInSpirit. When do you ever get out of the house and do something nice together with the children or by yourselves? Could you get out of the house with the youngest a bit more when you are not at work? It’s a cliche but fresh air and exercise helps with sleep. I say that as a lifelong insomniac myself. I realise the weather might be a bit miserable for that at the moment but Spring is coming.
No one ever lay on their deathbed wishing they had done more housework. I hope you manage to resolve things with your DH. I think he is using those two hours in the morning to decompress in some way. Plus we are all on our phones and devices far too much. So maybe some agreement to reduce the time spent on those? I need to take that advice myself. Too much time spent on MN!

Could you agree with him that one of you does DC bath and bed time and the other one tidies up after dinner? That way you both sit down at around the same time and the house is tidy the next morning.
Do you think maybe he is gaming in those 2 hours when he gets up?

All I know about this really odd situation is that some of us won't feel we wasted our lives tidying our house. I couldn't bear that level of tidying.

I think he needs to actually communicate with you.
My husband checked out after 20 years of marriage and behaved like your husband right up until the day he decided to walk out.
I still haven't had an explanation 7 years later. I have no idea why he left really. I can only make guesses. Its infuriating.

This is everything I was thinking. Maybe he needs more encouragement and less negativity....

OP, this pettiness sounds like it's getting to the stage where it's hard to come back from. He's changed his morning routine and doesn't want to discuss why; you're pissed off at the change, but would rather lie awake in bed stewing than actually tell him you're annoyed.

You've explained on here why you need support; but it sounds like your DH needs more support than he's getting, and it would be prudent to discover what the actual issues are and what would make them better. Is he resentful of having to wake you up? Is he still worried about his own health? Is he depressed, as others have suggested? (Getting to the point where you have to eat off paper plates isn't great...)

I'd keep working on getting the kids to clean up their own mess. My rule was, if DS had finished playing with one thing, he had to put it away before getting something else out. (I appreciate that sounds tricky with your 3 year old, but persevere with the expectation. Some people do it all together, some people make it into a game of who can hold the most items in one hand or get the toys to the place they belong the quickest etc.) Also, if they're the type of kids who offer to help (even when 'helping' makes more mess or takes 5 times longer than just doing it yourself), say yes. Let them fill up the washing machine or learn which buttons to push to turn it on, if they find that fun. Lower your standards a bit with cleaning - is it really necessary to vacuum every day? It's not like you have a crawling baby who'll pick anything up and put it in their mouth. If the rug is a problem, get rid of the rug. Find the small flash points and get rid of them.

I agree with another poster that it doesn't sound like you and your DH get much, if any, time to do anything nice with each other, or as a family. It all revolves around everyday drudgery...which does get one down after a while.

I feel for your DP here OP. Your posts come across quite selfish and wholly self-centred: my illness, support for me, help for me. PPs have quite sensibly said you both should tidy before bed, it will only take a few minutes. You say your DP is introvert and so maybe he needs that morning time on his own, I suspect he doesn’t wake you as it spoils that- are you then making that time also about you and your needs? (you mention time to chat for example). I wonder if he is depressed or slipping into depression, his early wake ups and withdrawal are classic symptoms. Maybe time to worry about him a little instead of whinging, I suspect someone else now needs care and treatment as well as you. If you were successful accessing external support, you should be able to help him do the same. Time for less unreasonable resentment and a gentle conversation about him.