Explaining to small kids that we have a different lifestyle to their cousins amd that's okay?

[Eileen101]

My kids are starting to get envious of their cousins jetset lifestyle, travelling to stunning islands in Asia for example, or for a quick jaunt over to Europe (which would be equivalent to a holiday that I save all year for).
I do try to do really nice things with them, but they don't really compare. It's hard to make "when we go away in grandma's camper, shall we have a packed lunch at the beach or shall we have a bag of chips at the beach shop" sound exotic when their cousin is drinking out of a coconut with a straw on a beautiful island in Thailand on the family WhatsApp.
My 8 year old has a travel wish list of places he wants to go and each time I explain that India for example is a long plane journey and that "perhaps is better when he's older and can enjoy it more".
Our life doesn't really compare and they're starting to notice. I am a single parent with 1 income and topped up by UC but BIL is a high earner (even by mumsnet standards) and can easily afford that sort of thing.
Is there a 'better' way of explaining that isn't realistic for us? Or a few different phrases I can alternate between?

I do get how you feel OP, it's hard to hear about other people's 'amazing' holidays.

But remember that your kids will take their cue from you. If they pick up that you're ashamed, resentful, upset or envious - that's how they'll feel too. If you think that a bag of chips on a British beach is obviously inferior to a drink sipped from a coconut on a south sea island, so will they.

As adults, we know that exotic holidays have zip to do with the happiness or otherwise of a family. And that as a general rule, the more people try to impress, the less confident they are.

But to answer your question, I wouldn't worry too much about the actual words you use to explain things, it's more your tone of voice. "They can afford it, we can't, that's life" can sound brutal spoken one way... or just slightly amused and so what? Shrug it off, keep it lighthearted, and model to your kids that in this family, we value love over 'likes'.

And tell granny to leave off the show-and-tell, for pity's sake...!

What age is your child you did this with? I'm wondering what a good age to start teaching children about saving is!

Why the hate for Granny? She might not be told by the kid they don't like it and she is probably trying to engage with the kid on a topic that she he will like, his cousins!

By all means, ask her to stop doing it but talking to someone and showing pictures of your mutual family does not make you a bad person or a "witch".

Since when has it been snide to give a shit about the environment Leon?

It's snide to say: "kids of affluent people are unappreciative, have nothing to look forward to"

What an odd view! My child is fully aware that she is lucky to go the places she does and is very appreciative. She also has her entire life to look forward to, life is more than holidays. And she could go back a dozen times to some of the places she has already been and see and do something new.

We talked to them about the importance of doing well at school and making good decisions about what they want to do for a job. My dh grew up in poverty with no hot water and slept in a cot bed until he was nine. Now he has a great job and we have four bedrooms with en-suites.

She can't think of anything else to engage the child with other than their cousins constant holidays which they will clearly never be able to do as a child?

It's very thoughtless.

British sand builds far superior sandcastles to that soft stuff you get in Thailand...

The OP didn’t say it’s the only thing she talks to her child about!

I wasn't responding to OP?

You said the granny can’t think of anything else to engage the child with. How do you know? I’m sure the granny also talks to the child about other things.

It was a question responding to pp's comment about granny trying to engage with the child.

It clearly must happen often or it wouldn't be much of an issue.

@GalaxyJam thats what I was going to say!

@Kirbert2 you don’t know that, you’ve assumed. Again, ask her not to but don’t call the woman a witch because if it.

Or condone the calling of the woman a witch.

I never called her a witch. I was responding to you saying that granny is just trying to engage with the child, as you said, there's many, many other things to talk about so it seems like an odd way of engaging with a child to the point OP has started a thread about it. Especially a child who granny will know will never experience the same thing in their childhood.

Maybe it has only happened once and OP immediately started a thread and if I have assumed incorrectly, fair enough but I doubt it.

My DCs did get their exotic holidays. Ask them now what was their best holiday ever? "Camping with gran and grampa!" In Scotland in the rain. Beans and sausages cooked in one pot.

I've really not found that children set a lot of store by expensive things. Fun can be got in so many ways. If you want to see a lot of unhappy, grouchy, tired looking children, take a trip to Disneyworld!

It also doesn't work.

Dm used to do a lot of the "you're such lucky children whose parents care so much that they get you a lovely healthy packed lunch and those poor children who don't care get a unhealthy meal bought at a café. Aren't you so glad you're out here freezing in the rain eating sandwiches squashed from the bottom of the cold box watching the children inside having hot chocolate and ice cream in the warm and dry ."

All it made me feel was that dm was deliberately making a choice I didn't like and I was being mean to wish that I could have something different. I'd have far better heard that we couldn't afford it, and then it wouldn't have felt like it was done deliberately because they thought that was best.

I do think that the replies of how mean granny is being, how nasty the cousins will be and how unfair it is for the brother to talk about what he's doing frustrating.

It's more than possible that the ds is asking to see the photos. When dd2 was about 7 or 8 I picked her and a few friends up from a club. I can't remember why but I told them something from my childhood and after that every week they leapt in the car calling "please tell another story about when you were little". I told the most boring stories at times, and they were absolutely riveted on every one of them. Heck, the story of walking back from Brownies with my dad pushing his bike was one of their favourites - nothing happened!

He may may want to see the photos and just be interested why they don't do these things rather than jealous.

It sounds like the uncle is sharing with granny, not trying to rub it in their faces, so not doing anything wrong.

We've never been abroad. Ds is about to go for the first time with his uni friends. Last time I went abroad was in 1990 for a school trip. When the children were little, the holiday their friends wanted to do and envied was our Butlins trip. They'd gone abroad and staying in posh hotels. They wanted to go to Butlins.

Children don't care about the expense. They care about the fun they can have. It's certainly possible that you might find that the cousins are saying after a trip to Granny's "why don't we ever camp? It's not fair we stay in the boring hotels. I want to stay in a caravan..."

Just tell them you are on a low income so they will have to put up with it, money doesn't grow on trees, if you need UC to top up wages you shouldn't be going on holiday anyway

Im going to sound like a spoilt brat but I was lucky enough to have travelled to gorgeous places as a child but all my friends where taking caravan holidays and going camping. I really really wanted to do all the cool things they talked about rather than playing in a pool or on a beach on my own. Maybe ask them about the holidays their friends take as I bet they will be more normal. Set up a wish list. Crab fishing. Finding the best shell to hear the sea in. Arrange a treasure hunt with a little prize at the end. There will be a site somewhere that has hundreds of ideas for less than a fiver to keep kids entertained on holidays x

My daughter is at Oxford uni. She went to a comp in Toxteth so obviously many of the other people at her college had different holiday experience. She was telling me she was the only one who had ever been to Butlins. She said 'They didn't even have water slides at their shitty villas!" . You can have a good time wherever.

Not even a cheap caravan holiday? Why not if OP can manage her money carefully and afford it?

What an odd point of view. I'm a qualified professional working full time and it's perfectly fine for me to have a cheap holiday. I receive a UC top up for my childcare fees, as the children are in wrap around care whilst I do my full time job. It's very much needed, because whilst I am a working professional, life is expensive, childcare in expensive and I am one person.

Thank you for everyone's insights. I was worrying about just outright saying that we can't afford to do x,y,z travels because we can't afford it and worried that it would be burdening them with adult worries.

Granny is MIL, and she's not malicious at all, quite the contrary. She has a heart of gold and bursts with pride that her GCs are able to experience these things.

Someone asked how my children would know that their cousins were away. We are a close family and they live close by. They'd ask why the car wasn't on the drive.

Thank you everyone, certainly food for thought.

I don’t think ‘we can’t afford it’ is an adult worry (unless you’re talking about not being able to afford food or basic necessities) it’s just a life lesson in that some people earn more than others.

I explained it to my kid in very literal terms about each hour of work earning money and there's so many hours, and some people get more than others. He didn't get stressed about it, he understood. It's great that your kid wants to travel - I would be saying that is something for him to do as he grows up, even help him plan where he wants to go, so he understands it is within reach for him one day if it is something he really wants.

Ha ha so true. I finally took my son to Disney world and while he enjoyed it, he said afterwards that it seemed magical on the telly but not in real life. Mind you he is autistic and wasn’t especially in to Disney beyond Buzz Lightyear at that point. Thank goodness we only went as far as Paris!